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The Value of Venting

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pexels-andrea-piacquadio-3799830By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Today’s youth are dealing with a tremendous amount of frustration and even fear during the pandemic. Their lives are completely different now in so many ways. Many kids and teens who have social challenges strive for a high level of control and when have we ever been in less control than we are right now? This is a recipe for a whole lot of upset and it has become very apparent that kids need an outlet for those feelings.

We coach kids to avoid touchy topics of conversation but even so, it is clear that children and teens are very in tune with global events. In our social programs, we work with many highly intelligent kids and teens who can have very strong opinions. They don’t always have a safe place to talk about these very strong opinions and feelings.

Last week, the kids really needed to vent. They were incredibly frustrated by the pandemic and people who don’t follow distancing guidelines. When considering how severely their lives have been impacted by distancing guidelines, it’s certainly understandable that they feel angry. They are not able to socialize and have a normal life because of guidelines they are forced to follow yet they see adults being held to a different standard. Some of them know and care about people who don’t wear masks and have caught the virus. They find themselves caught between concern and a righteousness. Our groups allow the venting and even the ranting. We are a safe place for those feelings and opinions. They need someone and someplace to let it out so vent on, clear out some of the angst and anger. There is a cathartic cleansing that can come with giving voice to these huge feelings. Having others listen, even if they might disagree can be a valuable outlet. There is most definitely value in venting.

Company Does Not Want Misery

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Complaints Key Showing Complaining Or Moaning Online

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) mentioned the title of this blog to a kid who came to his social group in a grouchy mood. He was miserable. Crabby and out of sorts. He was complaining about everything and everyone. He didn’t feel like playing anything and he was really being a downer. It was taking down the mood of the rest of us, and he was not interested or invested in working with me towards participating.

Do you have people in your life that complain a lot? Are you a person who others think complains a lot? Complaining can very easily become habitual. The more you complain and focus on the negative, the more you will find you have things to complain about. This is why we work with kids using positive psychology. You can train your brain to move from focusing on the negative to looking for the positive.

We all know that saying that misery loves company. The company generally does not want misery, complaints, gossip, and all those things that draw a social situation down to a complaint session, however easy it seems to go there.

We all have those days when we’re irritable or feeling low. And, as an important point, I would never say this to a person who is depressed or sad for very good reasons. More generally, if we’re having a bad or an off day, it’s more beneficial to our social relationships if we change our plan to what we need to do for ourselves in terms of self-care then to spread our grouchy mood.

Patience is a Virtue, and a Choice

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Happy young woman looking at dressmaker in tailoring-shop

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Not long ago, I (Donna) was out doing some shopping at a local store. As I was waiting in line, I noticed a very elderly cashier. She was moving very slowly, taking the time to wipe down the counter and perform some other tasks. I also noticed that she was going to be the cashier that checked me out. I was feeling tired, hangry and growing impatient.

As I stood there waiting for her to finish tidying her work space and to be called to check out, I did what I teach the kids at my center to do, stop and think. Try to look at things from another perspective. Download your patience app into your brain. As I continued to stand there, I shifted my thinking from myself, onto the cashier. I surmised that she was working at her advanced age for one of two reasons. Either she had to work, which suggested financial or other difficulties in her life, or she wanted to work to be out engaging with people so as not to be lonely. In either case, she certainly did not deserve my impatience or an attitude to ruin her day.

I was at last called to check out. I gave her a smile and a friendly hello. I helped remove the clothes I was purchasing from their hangers while we chatted about this and that. It ended up being a very pleasant exchange for both of us. I am very glad that I stopped to choose patience.

Parents Need to Press Pause Too

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angry-copyBy Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Parents come to us all the time asking for help with their kids who are rigid, have anger issues, are unforgiving, or unable too see another’s point of view. We work with those kids to teach them to press that pause button, take a deep breath, accept that the other person may need to apologize and help them to accept that apology. We help them understand the “intent” of the other person so they know that the actions weren’t meant to be nefarious.

So you can imagine how we feel when a parent of such a child becomes angry with us for something that was unintentional. It probably doesn’t surprise loyal readers of our blog that we are not in this for the money. Social coaches are not known for the size of their yachts. We love what we do and we care very much about every child we meet. As much as we try to please all who come to us for social skills help, we know that occasionally we will make someone unhappy. It’s part of owning a business and working with hundreds of people each month.

Our naive natures, though, are always surprised when adults exhibit red hot quick anger without a respectful dialogue. Some people’s go-to response is a “I’ll show you!” then proceed to create a great big, angry “harumpf!!” moment. We totally understand that people get angry when misunderstandings happen. That’s normal and even expected, but we become thrown off our game when parents won’t listen to another view or if they even refuse to accept an apology that they were rightly due. We are left thinking, “Wow, what was up with that?” We’re also left thinking, “…but their child was learning and doing well and he was making friends!” It is beyond sad for us to have these moments, and thankfully, they happen very rarely.

There’s nothing we can do to coach a parent in the ways that we would coach a child. We can only acknowledge that they are upset, restate our intention and apologize for whatever role we had in causing their upset feelings. We wish we could point out that such a parent is asking their child to do something that they, themselves, are unable to do.

It’s important for everyone, kids and adults alike, to press the the pause button in those heated moments, consider another view, accept the repair and apology made and then make a positive move forward.