By Nadine Briggs & Donna Shea

For people who struggle with anxiety, they can routinely experience what we refer to as “hair on fire” moments. This week at my social skills center, a little 6-year-old boy began to panic when the foam fort he was building was about to collapse.

I could hear the anxiety in his voice gaining steam. It was easy to see that without an intervention, this could escalate quickly into something behavioral. If his anxiety was allowed to grow into near panic, he would have lost all reasoning skills and the ability to solve the issue at hand.

In that moment, I said, “I see what’s happening here. What do you think we could do to solve this problem?” By getting him into problem-solving mode, my intent was to solve the problem, of course, but also to shift his thinking from the worry center of his brain to the logical center of his brain. He didn’t answer with a potential solution so I offered one. “If it falls, you know what we’ll do? We’ll just fix it! Easy peasy!” So we did. We secured the walls and put the fort right again. Afterward, we always want to “close the loop” so to speak. So I then pointed out, “it’s a good thing we didn’t get too upset over that. It made it so we could just fix it and keep playing and having fun.”

These short lessons, delivered in the exact moment when a problem occurs, are precisely what this little guy needs in order to feel like he’s in control of what goes on around him. He’s on his way to learning how to put out his own “hair on fire” moments.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

During a social group a few weeks ago, I watched one of my tween girls shut down in a conversation, as though someone had hit an “off” switch. She was talking about her sadness in having to change schools and how she was going to miss all of her friends at her old school. Right away, I observed that the other gals involved in the conversation began telling her not to worry about it and that she would make new friends. They told her some things she could do to make new friends. They told her not to be sad about it and to focus on being excited about the new school. They were trying really hard to help make her feel better. I watched her face grow sadder and eventually, she just stopped talking about it and began to draw.

I sat next to her and said, “Tell me, who you are going to miss the most?” She told me. I asked her to tell me why, and she did. I then said, “it has to be really hard to leave friends that you know and a little scary at the thought of meeting new people and teachers.” She said it was. I watched her turn the switch back to “on” in our conversation. After a few minutes of talking about the friends she was going to miss, she was ready to hear some suggestions about making new ones.

In trying to help our kids and teens and even our adult peers, when we jump right into problem-solving when they really just want us to listen, we inadvertently turn that switch to “off” and then don’t understand why they don’t want our help. Empathy is the “on” switch.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

On April 30th of this year, I (Nadine) wrote a blog (http://www.howtomakeandkeepfriends.com/kids-come-bonus-features/) about some recent struggles that my daughter was having recently. She is 20 and has Down syndrome. She has a “bonus feature” that popped up and grew into a potentially life-altering challenge. In order to help her, we worried about it, sought out professionals and connected with experts to do everything we could to give her the best chance to overcome this latest challenge. We put in a lot of effort but it was nothing compared to the hard work she has had to do. My daughter is gritty. She learns about grit at the school she attends but she learned about what it meant to persevere much earlier than that. As her mom, I knew that her life would be obviously harder. She has an extra chromosome that makes certain things in life much more difficult. I knew that I would need to teach her to not give up. Not ever. She learned the lesson well and is now one of the grittiest people you will ever meet. When there are wellness challenges at her school, not only is she the captain of her team but she wins every single time. When she attends a public BBQ, she finds her way into volleyball games, Frisbee, and other group sports with people she has never met. She is competitive almost to a fault but I embrace that part of her and am grateful that it exists. The times during childhood when we would play trains, I would make that train fall back down the hill over and over and over again and tell her that the train must not give up. It might be sweaty, tired, hungry, angry and discouraged but it will, against all odds, get up that hill. It must be gritty. She was 3 years old at the time.

Fast forward to today. My daughter knows that this latest challenge has the potential to hinder her future. She knows that her hopes and dreams were dependent on her being able to overcome this. I am not being dramatic. As I mentioned in the first blog about this challenge, I will not reveal the details to protect her privacy but it is an enormous obstacle. Well my girl is doing it. She is being her grittiest self and is kicking this thing to the curb. It has been hard. She has struggled. She has been sweaty, tired, hungry, angry and discouraged but she has plowed through. She is not done yet but she is close. Every victory is celebrated and the future is beginning to get its shine back. She is working hard and is undeterred. Gritty is most definitely good.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

There are three ways that we fail at friendship. We may or may not be aware of the fact that we are engaging in, or are a victim of, one or more friendship dealbreakers.

1. Flip Flop Friends are people who come in and out of the friendship relationship as it pleases them. For kids, it may be the friend who wants to spend time together on the weekend, but ignore you on the bus. For adults, it could be a friend who calls you every day when they need an ear or someone to listen, but then you don’t hear from them for long periods when things are going well. Flip Flop Friends can also be “users” of the friendship. Maybe you see a lot of them in the summer if you have a pool, but not so much in the winter. For kids, maybe it’s because the flip-flop friend wants to come over to play the latest and greatest video game that you just got but never invites you back. Dealing with a flip-flopper is best done by calling the friend out on the behavior. You don’t have to confront your friend in a mean way. Something to the effect of, “Jen, we need to have a bit of uncomfortable conversation. I notice that our friendship frequently goes on and off. You can correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that I only hear from you when you need me for something. I’m not mad, just wanted to let you what’s been on my mind.” Flip Flop Friends can still be real friends as long as you are okay with how they are interacting with you.
2. Frenemies are people in your life that you believe are your friends but aren’t really. They are good at giving the appearance of friendship and caring about you. But instead, that “caring” is in actuality, criticism, designed to make the friend feel better about his or herself by making you feel worse about yourself. Frenemies are toxic and can cause you lots of angst and inner turmoil. They might cause you to question yourself, and you might find yourself working hard to please them to keep the friendship or to meet their expectations. We guarantee that if you have a frenemy in your life, he or she is saying nasty things behind your back. Think about it. This person is probably also saying mean things about other people to you. If he or she does it to someone else, they are doing it to everyone, including you. Frenemies are bullies in disguise. Once you identify a frenemy in your life, it’s best to work towards ending the relationship. If you don’t want to do that suddenly, winding down a friendship includes being unavailable when the friend wants to get together, having less time to spare for that friend, cutting back on calls and texts, and possibly finding a new hobby or activity that you can tell this person you are busy learning or doing.
3. Friends by Force or Fear are not friends. These are bullies. If you have given up the power in a relationship with a friend where you are afraid of what he or she thinks about you, or if you feel you need to do what this person tells you to do, (especially if it is something you are uncomfortable doing or will try to keep this relationship at any cost), then this is an unhealthy relationship. If you are verbally or physically threatened or hurt by this person (or in other cases, a boyfriend or girlfriend), this is an abusive relationship. Ending a bullying relationship can be difficult and may require you to access a therapist or outside counseling to do so.

If you see yourself, or someone you call a friend, in one of these descriptions, you are not alone. It is important to understand that as a person, you deserve to be treated respectfully. If we all lived by the Golden Rule, treat others the way you want to be treated, both in person and online, our relationships would flourish healthily. We could all earn an “A” for achievement in being the best friends that we can be to each other.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Summer is a time to enjoy the warmer weather and take a little time off from work. As a business owner, taking true time off is rare for me (Nadine). Even when I have time “off”, I tend to use that time to catch up on work tasks that I couldn’t get to. Clearly, I have an issue with knowing when to relax. I’m a work in progress on this front, but last week I took an actual vacation. My son, who is my youngest, graduated from high school. Our gift to him was to take him on a vacation. We went to the White Mountains of New Hampshire and stayed at a beautiful resort. The stunning scenery with majestic mountains all around helped me to completely unplug from the work for the week.

Not only is time off a chance to recharge your batteries but it is a time to focus energy and attention on only what is around you and not what you left back home. It is a time to focus on the positive. During the week, I did an exercise in positive psychology called Three Good Things (also called The Three Blessings). Each night, I wrote down 3 positive things that happened that day and why they happened. This exercise is not just a nice idea. It is an important element to learning to be more optimistic and resilient. It’s based on solid research and has been proven to enhance well-being. For more visit authentichappiness.org or read the book, Flourish by Martin Seligman (https://www.amazon.com/Flourish-Visionary-Understanding-Happiness-Well-being/dp/1439190763)

As I wrote down my Three Good Things each day, I found that I was noting things that I generally take for granted. For example, one of my entries was that my husband makes me laugh. He’s funny every day so I don’t give it much thought but when you think about it, how awesome is that? To live with someone that makes you laugh so hard you spit your coffee. It deserves to be written down and appreciated. It’s also interesting that when I first began the project, I had to think for a bit about what to put down but eventually found myself deciding on only 3 things from a large list in my mind. I even found myself thinking about the list during the day as good things happened. Focusing on good things lifts your mood and channels your thoughts in a positive direction.

I encourage you to give the Three Good Things exercise a try. Maybe even do it as a family. Do it every night before bed for one week. What can it hurt to jot a few notes each night if it might brighten your state of mind? Take some time to reflect on the good, the heartwarming, the small nice moments and the things that make you happy.

By Donna Shea and Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) have personally dealt with anxiety most of my life. I was born with an anxious wiring system. It has ebbed and flowed over the years and is exacerbated by hormonal changes. The worst of it being through puberty, after having children (that time it included severe postpartum depression) and now, menopause.

Up until last year, I pretty much just lived with it. I used a lot of cognitive behavioral strategies and was able to manage it.

And then, I couldn’t overcome it anymore. The anxiety became so bad, that I spent every day Googling the physical systems I was having, mostly around heart palpitations and feeling as though I was going to have a heart attack and die. Every little thing was amplified to the point where I was spending an exorbitant amount of time worrying about my health. I wasn’t feeling good, I was tired all of the time, gaining weight and afraid this was how the rest of life was going to be like and just the way life changed after the change of life. I pushed through for six more months after the doctor reassured me things were fine, but the symptoms kept coming. Panic attacks occurred in the shower every morning and out of the blue throughout the day. It was just…awful.

It started to impact the positive things that I do to manage it. My person, Mike, and I are hikers. I have always been afraid of heights and falling. By planning our excursions around that, I was okay doing a variety of hikes, but never the ones that Mike wanted to do. I would have panic attacks on the mountains when it got too high or too steep or near an edge. Then I became afraid to even be out on easy trails last summer because my heart would do “funny” things, then I would feel nauseous and fearful I was going to collapse out on a trail in the middle of nowhere.

I finally gave up trying to just get by with managing it. I was not only anxious, I recognized that I was growing depressed and losing interest in things that bring me happiness. So, I talked to my doctor again who gave me a prescription for Lexapro. At 5 mg to start, in a couple of days, I was feeling better. She advised me to go to 10 mg after a few days. I tried that the night before a day off because I was not sure how it would work. I’m glad I did that because I slept until 11:00 AM and felt overmedicated.  I gave her a call and decided to stay at 5 mg. I have been on that dose since last September. I don’t feel any “different” being on the medication and fortunately, have not experienced any side effects. I can’t describe it except that I just feel “normal” or “right.”

Life has changed completely. I have my energy back and I can shrug off small things and better cope with big things (because life does still hand you big things). I haven’t Googled symptoms since because I haven’t had any. The things that anxiety can physically do to you amaze me. Your brain, continuously causing that overdose of adrenaline to course through your system, can cause you to believe you are truly sick. I just had an insurance physical that put me in the Ultra Preferred health class at age 52. So, um. Yeah. Nothing wrong with me. Thanks, brain.

Here’s an added bonus I wasn’t expecting. We’ve been on a few hikes this season already, and all of them at a level I never expected I would ever accomplish. This past weekend, I climbed up a cliff face, down some vertical ladders and shimmied through caves. And I felt GREAT. My brain didn’t freeze up and tell me I was going to die. It said instead, “You’ve got this. You just need to figure out where to put your foot.” Not only has the medication given me my life back, it has given me more. I felt fearless on that mountain, and I am ready for more adventures.

So why am I sharing this personal info? Because mental health struggles are real and nothing to be ashamed of. Because our brains are organs that have their own issues sometimes and may need medication, much like a diabetic needs insulin. So, let’s be careful not to judge parents who decide to try medication to help their child better function and be able to do the work of being a child without fear or sadness. Let’s also not judge the ones who choose not to. It’s a big choice. I do hope that my sharing this experience gives a little insight to how in some instances, it may be the right choice for a person. The quality of life matters.

The Sweetest Thing Ever

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea with guest contributor Jesse Lowe.

Both Donna and Nadine hosted events for the kids and teens who attend their centers this spring that were as heartwarming as they were fun.

Awesome Night at Simply Social Kids (Nadine)

A special thank you to Jesse Lowe for guest blogging this section.

A child in a dinosaur costume, several teen boys, a few tween girls, and a couple of their younger siblings all spontaneously dance to a well-known pop song together at the front of the big room at Simply Social Kids. As this group dances the “Nae Nae” together, the mood in the room could be described as “joyful abandon.” It’s Awesome Night at Simply Social Kids, a night for any child or teen involved in our program to bring some contribution to a unique talent show. Many of our group members bring their pets to share. Some come just to take in the show and cheer on their group mates. A soft-spoken 6-year-old brings a single magic trick to share. After he has finished the trick, he looks out unblinkingly to a warm wave of applause from the room and smiles, a warm recognition of the support of the entire room.

Awesome Night welcomes kids to share something, truly anything that they feel awesome about. Here they choose to try the things that require them to be brave. Simply Social Kids is a place that provides complete acceptance. Our group members learn to step into their “awesome” by hanging out with friends who have things to learn from and, share with, them. If there was ever a place where kids could feel like they can perform and have it be cheered, it’s here.

At the end of the night, encores are asked for and given. Parents and grandparents come up to us coaches and share how important this place has been for their child. Comments such as “He’s finally found a place where the other kids appreciate what he brings” and “It’s amazing to see her coming out of her shell” are common. I feel incredibly fortunate to get to be a part of a community in which everyone’s awesome is not just included, but actively valued.

So when a spontaneous dance party erupts at the end of Awesome Night, and kids run up to the stage one by one to join in, it is absolutely the sweetest thing ever.

Prom at The Peter Pan Center for Social and Emotional Growth (Donna and the Center’s team of staff and the teen parents)

Decorations in Harry Potter theme set the stage for a teen prom unlike any other. The social skills center was transformed with twinkle lights, decorations, floating candles and it set the stage for a magical evening. Teens have been anticipating this night knowing that this prom would not have the social difficulties that their school prom would likely have. The night was phenomenal.

The teens were social coached throughout the evening. Almost everyone joined in with the popular line dances, YMCA, Chicken Dance, etc. Donna, who also teaches dance classes, taught the girls how to dance in a circle and have each girl take a turn in the middle. They even stopped the music and did a lesson on slow dancing.

• How to move your feet.
• How to hold your partner (around the neck if it was a boyfriend/girlfriend, regular dance hold if it was a friend or someone you didn’t know well)
• How to ask someone to dance
• How to refuse a dance (be polite, offer to do something else like getting a snack, and don’t dance with another partner to that same song)
• And from Donna’s past experience as a teen, she made sure that everyone received the message that dancing a slow dance with someone just means they are your partner for that song and do not magically become your boyfriend or girlfriend

The prom was awesome, and several of the boys got the girls out slow dancing. The sweetest thing ever.

 

 

 

 

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Anxiety is the root cause of many of the struggles that I see the kids experience each week in group. Some of what I observe is clearly anxiety, but in many instances, we adults need to look deeper to see the anxiety beneath a behavior or an interaction. There are as many different ways that anxiety exhibits itself as there are children. Here are examples of what anxiety has looked like in social groups:

• A child who needs to have his mom sit in the hallway instead of the waiting room for the first few weeks.
• The child who doesn’t respond to an invitation to play and just shrugs his shoulders and looks at the floor.
• A child who repeatedly states that he is in first grade, but is supposed to be in second grade, to the point where you begin to realize that this is a big source of concern for him.
• The tween who feels overwhelmed by something that happened at school and can’t let go of the thoughts.
• Kids who can’t let go of thoughts in general. A child who appears stuck or rigid may be anxious.
• A child who screams at another child for coming too close to something he is building and takes the other child by surprise.
• The child who over-explains, needs permission to make a decision or apologizes too much is likely experiencing the fear of making a mistake.

These are just a few examples. My view as a social coach and behavior specialist is to assume anxiety is in play when something isn’t going well for a child. If he or she seems defiant, rigid or does things repetitively, ask your child if he or she is worried about something. Sometimes kids don’t understand what that means, so you could also phrase it by asking if your child has a concern about something, or maybe has a thought that he or she keeps thinking and can’t make go away.

It is also important to let your child or teen know that no worry is “too weird” and that he or she should never feel that they have to worry alone. Sometimes a good strategy for anxiety is just to name and acknowledge what it is that is weighing you down.

By Nadine Briggs

On the day that I became a mom, my daughter, Megan, was born after an uneventful pregnancy. As she entered this world, she did not cry as is expected when a newborn takes her first gulps of air. My daughter was not able to breathe on her own at birth and had a blueish and alarming color to her skin.

Crowds of people entered the birthing room and surrounded her in an attempt to diagnose why she was having difficulty breathing and to provide oxygen to her lungs. My increasing louder question of “what’s wrong with my baby?” was not immediately answered. This was not the birth experience that I had envisioned. Within 20 minutes, the nurse told us that Megan most likely had Down syndrome, a genetic difference where she has an extra chromosome hard-wired into her whole being, resulting in global developmental delays. Megan was brought to our bedside for a quick kiss on the cheek and then taken away. We were not able to hold her at that time because she needed immediate medical attention. She was brought to the neonatal intensive care unit known as the NICU.

I had a very limited knowledge about Down syndrome and certainly had no understanding what it meant for her life and ours as a family. As I processed the news over the next several hours, my husband and I learned that the reason why she was not able to breathe on her own was due to a very serious heart defect. She had two very large holes in her heart that if not repaired, would be fatal. She was going to need open heart surgery at some point prior to her first birthday. Her medical state was so delicate that a common cold would likely result in death.

Our goal as her parents from that point on was laser-focused. She needed to grow strong enough to endure heart surgery. Her heart was defective to the point where at rest, it was pumping as though she were running a marathon. She could not sustain this level of effort for the long term. She needed to gain weight and strength. Despite our efforts to teach her how to drink from a bottle so we could increase the caloric intake with formula, at 3 1/2 months old, Megan was in failure-to-thrive and had open heart surgery to repair the holes. Thankfully, the surgery was a success and she began to thrive and grow.

As these events unfolded within the first few months as a mom, I began to change. I was thrown into motherhood in a way that I could never have anticipated. I began to grasp medical terms, learned to ask questions, take the time to process the answers and then ask them again if needed. I learned sign language, more acronyms than I care to mention and how to advocate as a mom. Clumsily at first, I’m sure, but I learned. I learned and I grew along with Megan. I made a ton of mistakes and probably cried just as many happy tears as I did sad ones. On this Mother’s Day, I can look back and see that this journey has shaped us all and for that, I am truly grateful.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I was talking to a neuropsychologist on the phone about one of our mutual clients the other day. I mentioned how Billy would always agree to play with another child or join in when he was asked, but he rarely, if ever, initiated a social interaction. Billy is a great receiver of friendship overtures, but he isn’t making the initial play.

I got to thinking that teaching kids initiation skills is similar to football. If you are always a receiver, you may or may not be the one that the football gets passed to. The odds are fewer that the ball will come your way. However, a quarterback gets to call the plays and pass the ball. He has a 100% chance of interaction. So, I am teaching the kids how to be a quarterback and call the friendship plays. How do we coach a child to change their position from receiver to quarterback?

• Go up to someone at recess and say, “I’d like to play with you. What are you playing?”
• Call a classmate for a play date or have a parent help you make the call.
• If you are a teen, send the text to suggest a plan for Friday night. A concrete plan. Lots of teens are sitting home waiting on that football to come their way. Be the one who throws the ball.

The eventual pay-off of being a good quarterback, is that a child or teen will also be a more frequently invited receiver and the back-and-forth of friendship will become a natural series of initiation and response.