By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Most people who experience difficulty creating lasting friendships with others struggle with being able to see or a different point of view. Understanding another person’s perspective is critical to maintaining a close connection. Friends genuinely understand each other’s lives.

When we talk to people about working with others, whether it be children, teens, or adults, we frequently ask them to take another’s perspective. We want others to at least attempt to understand what it is like to “walk in another’s shoes.” If adults are going to interject advice or feedback into the lives of other individuals, they should stop and check their understanding of another’s point of view. At this point in our world, with the upset and challenges we are globally facing, it is critical and non-negotiable that we are all willing and capable of doing what we ask of others. It is not fair or reasonable to do anything else. If an adult does not understand the perspective of a child or teen, I implore you to ask them. Have a respectful and nonjudgmental conversation with them. Forgot what you read about in the news, or what research article you might be able to cite but toss your knowledge of the topic aside and listen with an open mind and open heart.

We live in a world of constant, global challenging trials. Open your mind and let in the opinions and thoughts and perspectives of others that may be different from your own.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I’m sitting here running a Zoom Room activity where the kids are playing Roblox together. We also have scheduled times when they play Minecraft. Over and over, the same issues come up in these multi-player platforms. Inevitably, someone destroys someone else’s creation or takes items that belong to other players.

The fun is disrupted by repeated loud cries of “Stop!” frequently followed by a player becoming upset to tears. And I watch the infringing player ignore the pleas to stop. This is one of the biggest barriers to having friends that I see among kids.

These games that the kids love to play so much are a den of social difficulty. For children who struggle with boundaries, empathy, fair play, taking turns, and putting their own self-amusement over developing and keeping friendships, multi-player platforms are fraught with social negotiations that are difficult for them to do.

Each time this happens, I remind the kids that one of the biggest favors they can do for themselves if they want to make friends is to stop when someone tells them to stop. Once. One and done. I reinforce for them that the natural consequences of ignoring someone’s request to stop will be they quickly find themselves with no one who wants to play with them.

Stopping upon request is a skill for some kids that will take multiple reminders and practice, not a one and done.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

As social coaches, we have a front-row seat in observing how children, teens, and their families are all managing these unprecedented times. There are some kids and teens who are, thankfully, going with the flow, and a few who are screaming out for help. The rest have good days and bad days and the bad days might include tremendous frustration or ugly crying.

I (Nadine) had a teen girl in our online group who was experiencing tremendous anxiety. She couldn’t contain her frustration, stating, “I want this to be over!” and “I want things to go back to normal!” Make no mistake about it; this situation is taking a toll on the mental health of young people. She needed understanding, empathy, and compassion at that moment. She also needed strategies to calm down, which we did together.

Then she asked me, “Miss Nadine, how are you doing handling quarantine?” Her asking that question is a big deal. She is not one to ask about how other people are doing, but it was an opportunity to share a slice of my life. She followed up with, “do you find it hard?” So we talked, she stayed after group to talk even more. I shared how I handle quarantine, and we developed a plan for how she might handle it as well. We agreed that this is a tough situation, but we can also focus on the things that are going well. We discussed that we were grateful for the technology so we could still see each other weekly. I shared that I play Word with Friends with my sister and son. I have a hobby that I try to keep up with even if I’m not always in the mood. I told her that I like to do random acts of kindness, and I try to stay in touch with my friends. We discussed going for walks and finding things that make us happy, such as cheerful music played loudly. Everyone has their way of coping, but a key component is sharing, discussing, and leaning on each other. That is exactly how we “keep on keeping on”, even when every day feels like Blursday.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Our world has always been comprised of heroes and villains. There are people who strive to do good and those that, for whatever reason, choose dark and hurtful words and actions. For those people who are working to make the world a better place, we pose the question of what color cape do you wear? A red cape person battles bad things and the green cape crusader seeks to improve the good.

Maybe there hadn’t been much thought about what color cape we might choose as we struggle to get through the days and the current national unrest and worldwide stress. This idea of the capes comes from the basic tenants of positive psychology (we both have specializations in this) and what we can do to combat the “bad” and/or increase the “good.” For example, what would we like to remove from our world? That may include racism, violence, injustice, bullying, and anything else that we deem to be wrong. The red cape (if we should choose it) allows us to focus on and decrease the things we don’t want. The red cape is necessary but can be worn peacefully and still be effective.

Let’s say we decide to choose the green cape. The power of this cape is to increase the things we DO want. Peace, justice, kindness. It allows us to focus on opportunities to add good things to our world.

Is one cape better than the other? Not necessarily. There are clearly issues that we need to battle in our world that require wearing red capes – such as wrongful death and the virus that is causing the worldwide pandemic. We may need to take a strong stand against the many hurtful and painful ways in which human beings hurt each other or things (such as the virus) that attack us as a whole.

But, let’s not lose sight of the green cape. Because eliminating what hurts us doesn’t necessarily help us to flourish (in positive psychology terms). Just taking away the bad doesn’t increase the good. Wearing a reversible cape allows us to take a stand when we need to, and fill the space of the bad that we conquered with more good, leaving it better than we found it.

Sometimes it can feel difficult to pick up the cape and put it on, no matter which color we need or choose. The problems we face may seem so huge and insurmountable that we may want to leave our cape in the closet. But, our superhero assignment just needs to be what feels right for each of us in our own conscience. We don’t need to feel like we can single-handedly “fix” the huge problematic picture but we can each do what we can. We can put on either color cape and do something in our own small corner. Do you want to decrease something happening in your neighborhood or town? What would be a step toward that? Or, do you want to increase something that would enhance the quality of human connection in your circle of neighbors and friends?

The power of either cape starts with putting it on.

Original source: https://www.coursera.org/lecture/positive-psychology-applications/2-1-revisit-reversible-cape-NvILE

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Fairy: Tammy Fannon
Photo Credit: Mackenzie Fannon

During times like these, we all have to make a choice. Sometimes the crisis has a direct impact on us, or those we love and care about, and the choice is obvious. We need to focus on those who need us most. But those among us who are doing our best day to day to make it through with our jobs, families and sanity intact, we have a choice to make. We can choose to focus on the undeniable crisis and immerse ourselves for several hours of the day in its catastrophic nature or read news stories about things like murder hornets (do yourself a favor, you do not want to look those things up!) or we can choose to spend some hours of each day focus on the kindness that is around us.

In my (Nadine’s) social circle, there are those who are sewing masks or making medical shields n 3D printers. There are those who check in with a short text “how is everyone doing” and opening themselves up for a chat if that’s what their friends need. There are groups online that have the sole purpose of brightening someone’s day such as wine fairies who deliver a bag with wine and chocolates or whatever nice surprise that they can gather during these hard shopping times. They sometimes get caught in their delivery and some have borrowed fairy wings from their child’s dress-up box. They laugh and enjoy the experience for what it is, a chance to bring levity and happiness to another.

We can hope that when this is behind us, and it will be behind us, that we will all be kinder, nicer, and more appreciative of social time together.

Forget about the murder hornets and bring on the wine fairies.

Special thanks to Tammon Fannon and Mackenzie Fannon for granting permission to use their photo.

By Donna Shea and Nadine Briggs

It’s all okay. No matter what feeling you have right now, at this moment. It’s okay.

Is it anger? It’s alright to feel anger at the current situation that we’ve all been thrust into. It’s unfair.

Is it anxiety? Being worried about work, loved ones, and your own health is expected given the circumstances. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Is it grief? Are you grieving the loss of someone or something that you loved to do and can’t do anymore? Are you grieving that the world may never be the same again, or at least, not for a long time? Go ahead and allow yourself the sadness over whatever it is.

Is it happiness? I’ve been talking to kids and teens that are much happier learning and being at home than they are having to go to school. Kids are happy being home with their mom and dad. Being happy is still okay. When you find happiness, go for it.

Everyone is processing the pandemic differently. You may even have a range of these feelings on a daily basis. No one is wrong. Feelings are just that. Feelings. They might pass quickly, or they may stay awhile. No matter what your personal process is, it’s okay.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Note: A version of this article was originally published in the MGH Down Syndrome  Program newsletter, COVID-19: Self-Care Saturdays on May 2, 2020.

In mid-March, the pandemic resulted in our physical social skills businesses, Simply Social Kids and the Peter Pan Center for Social & Emotional Growth, having to close. Both programs have since moved online. It felt like there was a tsunami headed our way and we were standing on the beach. What types of life saving devices do these kids need? How will we be able to provide life boats or even arm swimmies through Zoom? One thing was clear, they were going to need to be resilient and our training in resiliency coaching was going to guide us for weeks to come.
Tip #1 – Check In: The first step is to read what they need. Children and teens do not have the same thoughts as adults and if we assume that they do, we can inadvertently put our worries onto them. Ask your child to rate their happiness level on a scale from 1-10 with 1 = not happy and 10 = a really happy a few times a week. This is a great way to assess how things are going over time. If your child is reporting a 9 each day and then reports that they are a 7, you know that something influenced the points drop. This gives you an opportunity to discuss cause the 2 point drop. If a 10 point scale is too challenging for them, you can use a smaller scale or they can give you a thumber, a thumbs up, thumbs down or sideways so you have a sense of how they’re doing.
Tip #2 – Finding Calm – Being able to calm yourself is a skill that takes practice. There are many mindfulness apps, videos and podcasts that people can access to begin this daily practice. My favorite for children is the Mindful Powers app https://mindfulpowersforkids.com/. For adults, I suggest binaural beats music which can be found on YouTube https://youtu.be/66rm3suq-ks . Deep breathing, when practiced, can be a very effective tool for finding calm.
Here are some videos for:
Children:
Nelly mindful minute 1:07 https://tinyurl.com/yx5txkng
Power of one breath :47 https://tinyurl.com/yx5txkng
Progressive muscle relaxation 7:06 ttps://tinyurl.com/tkdh7bt

Teens:
Happify 2:49 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FulTaDhEtDY
Wellcast 5:05 https://tinyurl.com/p33xp68
Headspace 1:37 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyj8l9miy4w

Tip #3: Fun and Laughter – Taking time for fun and even laughing with family and friends (even if online) can be a tremendous stress reliever. Certainly children need play but so do stressed adults. Here are some fun ways to socialize while physical distancing.

• Netflix Party
• Multi Player Games
• Group chats/Texting/FaceTime
• Tabletopia
• Steam Jackbox Games
• Virtual Game nights
• Online dance/karaoke parties
• Social Media
• Discord
• Doodle challenges (Mo Willems)
• Online book groups
• Online arts & crafts clubs
• Dungeons and Dragons
• Scavenger Hunts
• Mafia Night
• Tabletop Simulator
• Game Pigeon (Apple phone only)
• Make up your own creative game
• House Party

Tip #4: Circle of Control – When the world feels out of control, re-focusing on what we have control over and what we don’t can give us clarity. We can control how we think about and react to the situation. We need to allow ourselves to have sad and mad moments but then we need to move beyond those feelings. Knowing that we can’t single handedly solve this problem gives us the freedom focus to on how handle our daily lives. Ultimately, we all have to accept what is and figure out what that looks like for our family.

For more on how to be resilient, get along better with others and handle strong feelings, check out the How to Make and Keep Friends book series on Amazon.com. https://tinyurl.com/y9awxoz3

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

It’s been quite a while since you have heard from us. We have all had to adjust and respond to the medical emergency we face in our communities, states, countries, and the world. We have all had to hit the pause button on what was our daily life. While we all may feel differently about the pandemic, and be struggling with it in different ways, we are the same in that we are still people, trying to carry on while on pause. Work is on pause for some and school for others. Social interactions are paused for those who do not have access technology, especially for the elderly. For others, we have learned new ways to virtually socialize.

We speak a lot about anxiety – how it manifests and how to manage it. As the crisis hit the play button so quickly, we had to pause our blog. We had to freeze to catch our breath. Then we had to figure out how to build a virtual place for the children, teens, and young adults we support for our social skills centers. We might feel as anxious as the rest of the world but we also know that we can help those need us the most. We are able to coach others on how to build resiliency because of our training and our own resilient natures. While we have temporarily paused use of our physical spaces, we are still helping with friendship skills and resiliency and have hit “play” again in virtual ways.

None of us are sure what the next weeks and months are going to bring. However, we are sure that we will need to continue to use coping and resilience skills, as will everyone. We have reserves in our tanks and we can share our skills with you.

As we hit “unpause” for our blogs and books, we keep all our readers close in our hearts. Friendship isn’t paused. Kindness isn’t paused. Love isn’t paused. They are very much still at play.

Note: Donna and Nadine are both running online social skills, resiliency groups, parent support programs, and professional development workshops. We are here for you.

 

 

 

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Conversation skills are absolutely critical for making a friendship connection with another person. The nuances of conversations are subtle and can be tricky for people who don’t pick up on social cues. Here is a “flow chart” of sorts to help with understanding how to start a conversation and when to stop trying to talk to someone if they are not interested in continuing the conversation.
Step 1: Comment – Start a conversation with a comment – this doesn’t require a response. (ex.” Oh man, I hope this math test isn’t as hard as the last one.”). At this step, if the person responds, then move on to step 2. If not, ask yourself if the person heard you, did they look at you or or nod or in any way acknowledge you? If so, then consider moving to step 2. If not, consider leaving it as is.

Step 2: Question – If the person responds, then follow up with a question. (ex. “Have you started studying yet?”) In this step, you are taking a bit of a risk since you are asking a direct question. If they don’t respond at this step, then stop trying for now. If they respond, you can feel comfortable moving to step 3 as long as their response was positive or even neutral. If they rolled their eyes at you or turned away, then stop trying for now.
Step 3: Reflection – Mention how you are feeling about the topic (be sure to stay humble) (ex. “I’m thinking that I’ll do all the practice problems to prepare.”). This is another step that does not require a response but it’s always nice if the other person does continue the conversation at this point. Avoid saying anything that would seem like a brag such as “I always ace these tests” even if it’s true.

Step 4: Invitation – If the person is actively engaging with you, and you have developed a friendship, you can consider an invitation. (ex. “Would you want to meet me in the library after school to study?”) This step is a fairly big one since you are definitely opening yourself up for possible rejection. If you’re just getting to know someone, this step can be skipped.
Not all conversations will follow this process but this gives a basic outline for those who struggle with how to know when to keep trying to talk to someone and when to stop. The best success for making great conversation with others is to be genuine, humble and interested in others. That’s how aquaintences can become friends.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

We all know what a love triangle is (who hasn’t read a good romance book?) There are other types of triangles that human beings can get caught up in. I’ve been aware that I’ve been caught up in a few of them myself recently.

Triangulation in one definition, occurs when two people are using a third party to communicate instead of speaking directly to each other. You may see this among family members, particularly siblings. It can also happen between in-laws, parents and children, and a host of other complex human interactions.

But why does it have to be so complex? Why can’t the two parties who need to communicate do so? They might be trying to diminish the level of conflict through the use of a “middle man”. One way to force more direct communication is for the “middle man” to recognize what is going on and to inform the other two sides of the triangle that they no longer want to be the person in the middle. This may worsen the interaction between the other two parties and escalate whatever conflict is happening and this might be what they were afraid of in the first place. However, it is hardly fair to loop in someone else into a conflict even though the two sides that are arguing might not have the communication skills or willingness to apologize/forgive. And in some instances, certain people enjoy drama and it’s creation.

Kids will triangulate themselves into a parents’ argument to stop their parents from arguing and yelling. You may see kids act up and misbehave for just this purpose. Kids are a barometer for tension a family.

Another aspect of triangulation is when you see kids playing together. Two kids on a play date or at recess will usually play with each other quite nicely. Add a third, and watch what happens. Inevitably, someone gets left out or has their feelings hurt. It’s much better to have play dates in even numbers.

So, as I become aware of the triangles I’ve been caught up in, I thought this blog idea might help other people to recognize when triangulation is happening in their own interactions. We tend to get triangulated when we are trying to help. When caught in a triangle, ask yourself which two sides of the triangle own the problem, and then allow them the practice of solving it themselves.