By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

We both find ourselves in the midst of several different crises happening at the same time to our family or close friends. Anytime life throws us these incredibly difficult times, it causes us to feel sad, angry, guilty, terrified and/or powerless.

We humans all struggle to cope in the best ways we know how. Some of us turn stoic and it’s hard to tell if we are feeling anything at all. Some of us cry and others get angry. Some of us seem to minimize what is happening to protect our hearts. There are others of us who search for the “what if I had only” or something or someone to blame.

When we teach kids about managing anxiety and strong feelings, we share that worrying is mostly a waste of time, since a high percentage of things we worry about, never happen. But sometimes they do happen. And what if something bad affects our children? How do we manage as parents? No matter what happens, we should all strive to move past blaming ourselves or anyone else and keep our support system or “village” intact and strong. It’s hard when our hearts are wounded. We need to exercise damage control strategies such as:

• Not everyone is going to know the right thing to say, and sometimes best intentions come out wrong. Forgive people who make awkward comments.
• Remind yourself that when accidents or unfortunate incidents occur, it is not helpful to try to place blame on someone. When emotions run high, blame can destroy relationships.
• Let each other talk it out. Talking about bad situations can help everyone process what has occurred and help give the feeling that you are all in it together. Humor, oddly enough, can feel awkward or even morbid but can serve as a relief valve during a crisis.  When something awful has happened, it is okay to acknowledge the awful.

Try to embrace any normalcy that remains during the crisis. For me (Donna), this morning it was baking the regular batch of cookies that I make every Tuesday for a class that I teach. There was soothing to be found in the act of not only doing something but sticking with a small piece of a routine. Our children watch how we cope with crises. They should see us sad, angry, and scared. But they should also see our strength.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Being smashed in the face with anything is not usually a cause for celebration and I certainly don’t want to encourage more face smashing in the future. This particular incident needs further explanation. Many of the teens we work with are ridiculously hard on themselves. Mistakes are met with rapid fire “I’m sorry” repeated for emphasis. They will often recoil from an error that they have to leave the room or they delve into self-loathing with comments about being a bad person. Mistakes are a part of life and forgiving yourself should be an equal part but it is not for our guys. One such teen, who honestly has literally the biggest heart around, was playing with a beach ball that I had made into a chat ball. I tossed it into his space and it surprised him. He took it good-naturedly as he does but attempted to get revenge on me. So he smashed the ball at me from very close range, right in my face. If this had been anything except a super soft beach ball, he would have really hurt me but it was not. He did the repeated apology and then he let the error go. He LET THE ERROR GO. I had to capitalize for emphasis because he had never done that before. Historically, he would hate on himself and leave the room in anger at himself and shame for what he had done. This is one of those goose bump moments when we know that our coaching is working. This teen was able to make a mistake, laugh about it and move on without self-torment making being smashed in the face with a beach ball literally the best thing ever.

This is a question that I (Donna) asked the kids in my social groups. We came up with a list:

• Tests and getting bad grades;
• What people think about you;
• Friendship and who to play or sit with;
• 1st day/1st time situations;
• Losing things;
• Scary things such as horror movies, the dark, and imaginary things;
• Bad events such as school shootings and natural disasters;
• Death or a family tragedy;
• Animals (fear of dogs, etc.);
• Siblings;
• Tattletales and liars;
• Being teased; and
• Doctors, dentists, and getting a shot.

Managing anxiety when worried thoughts pop into your head is done through replacing your worried thought with a coping thought. Here are some ideas for coping thoughts:

1. The number one coping thought that you can use is that 95% of the things we worry about never actually happen. The ones that do happen, are usually not as bad as we imagined they were going to be.
2. Remind children to focus on the facts that they have people who love them and will help them.
3. Have kids tell themselves that it is just a worrying thought and not real. You can choose not to keep those thoughts in your brain. Think of them moving in and out of your brain like a train coming in and out of a train station, or a visitor that isn’t going to stay.
4. Ask your child to tell you the answers to these questions: What is the worst thing that might happen? What is the best thing that could happen? What is the most likely thing that will happen?

When children agree to  try strategies to manage their anxiety, they can learn a lifelong emotion management skills and can find true empowerment.

Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem. – Virginia Satir

Light It Up Blue or Red Instead?

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Lately, I have been talking to several teenage boys who have a diagnosis of high functioning autism about autism awareness. In this month of April, many are paying tribute to Autism Awareness and Acceptance by lighting up blue. The teen boys in my social groups do not support the light it up blue celebrations. They prefer the Red Instead movement. Does the color really matter? No, but the messaging matters and these teens had a lot to say on the matter. The blue messaging makes them feel like there is something inherently wrong with them. The blue movement historically did not have people with autism on the board of directors which brought on the phrase “Nothing About Us Without Us”. As I researched this issue, I saw articles stating that the Light It Up Blue movement is trying to improve its focus. As teens, they are not necessarily fully aware of the full messages of both movements, but they know enough to know that they want to be represented by people who are autistic and in a way that shows their value to society.

They also support movements to support differences in general, such as transgender rights. They do wish, though, that their schools would do more to create an understanding of high functioning autism. They know that they can come across as awkward in social situations and they work with our coaches to help them learn those skills. However, they think that others would be more understanding if more was done to educate peers. They know that people with more obvious challenges are cut some slack for their difficulties but their social challenges are more often met with rejection of even ridicule when they are not understood.
Teen boys in general are not exactly known for opening up about their feelings but this particular group of boys wants you all to know, they prefer Red Instead (#redinstead). They want people to be aware that just because they can be a bit socially awkward at times, they are worth getting to know and are definitely worthy of friendship.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Ghosting: the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. (Source, Google Dictionary)

While the term “ghosting” has been used predominantly for dating and other personal relationships, where someone you thought was interested in or cared about you suddenly just stops contacting you, there is also such a thing as being a victim of professional ghosting.

Over this past weekend at our Easter family dinner, my (Donna’s) brother relayed a story of how one of his employees just stopped showing up for work one day and didn’t respond to voicemails, emails, or text messages. He ended up creatively creating an issue with her last paycheck that forced her to call. Her explanation? “I found another job.” It would have been nice to know that.

I’ve been professionally “ghosted” once or twice. In following up on projects that were supposed to occur, or contracts that were fulfilled, I have had the people on the other end just simply not acknowledge my communication. I always send a cheery second one, just to make that the email to go off into cyberspace, so when the second communication also goes ignored, I know that I am experiencing professional ghosting.

The young adults in my life (most right around 30 years old) are so frustrated by being treated as disposable. Dating is hard enough. Online meeting of people is even harder because, for some reason, the fact that there is another human being on the other side of that email or text message (or lack thereof) doesn’t seem to matter.

Any type of ghosting is rude. It brings to mind the title of an old Don Knotts movie, called the Ghost and Mr. Chicken. It’s easy to be a chicken now when it comes to personal or professional issues or conflict. We simply stop responding. If you have been the victim of ghosting, it can cause a feeling of failure. It may help to re-frame failure. Maybe you did fail at something, we all do. Failed to deliver what the customer wanted, or failed to meet the “criteria” of the person whom you met online. Sure, it would be really helpful for the other party to communicate with you about what it was that didn’t or won’t work, but our new reality is different. You can tell yourself that you did the best you could. You can move on to the next project. You can wait for the right person to come along.

There are times when we do need to stop communicating with someone. Maybe even abruptly. This can be due to toxic or abusive relationships, friendships or other relationships that we have tried to work on or out, but have become unhealthy for us. Those scenarios, in my opinion, are not a form of ghosting but involve the need for self-care and preservation.

The type of ghosting that is rude is the kind where we simply decide to deliberately drop the ball on our communication responsibilities. Letting a person know that we have moved on in the dating community, that a project was put on the back burner, that we decided to take on a new job, or that we are confused by an email or text correspondence, are all simple ways to decide to use our online manners.

I just had to do that, this morning. I was receiving out-of-the-blue private FB messages from someone I knew a long time ago, growing up. It felt slightly awkward, so I slept on what to do about it. I didn’t want to be rude, but I also didn’t want to engage. So I messaged back the truth, that my significant other and I have a relationship rule about private messaging other people of the opposite sex. Public comments on posts and pictures are not a problem. I said my family was fine and hoped his was too and received a polite response back. It’s not that hard to be truthful and kind. I for one, and I wonder if I speak for many of us, would prefer to know the truth, rather than be left wondering and creating imaginary scenarios about where we might have fallen short or failed.

 

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Lately I have been talking with a lot parents and teens about anxiety. I had one teen boy recently pull me aside during social group and say “Miss Nadine, I need help with my anxiety.” I proceeded to tell him several steps he could take to lessen his anxiety and he smirked at me. He did not want to hear what I had to tell him.

The message was that if you want to lessen your anxiety and be happier, then there are things you can do to achieve that. The part he didn’t like was that HE had to do those things. I truly believe that he wanted me to do it for him. Maybe sprinkle some magic dust or something. He had a huge case of what we call the “yeah, buts…”. People with anxiety will give all kinds of reasons as to why they shouldn’t do anything to lessen their anxiety. Halfhearted attempts aren’t enough to make change. There needs to be a commitment to make life better by the person who wants the better life. No amount of coaching, therapy or any type of intervention will improve someone’s quality of life if they refuse to make changes for themselves.

The good things in life take effort. Nothing worth having is easy to come by. I could type so many different cliché-type phrases here and all would be true. You and you alone are in charge of you and nothing changes if nothing is changed. Kick the “yeah, buts…” to the curb and strive for happiness. No one has ever regretted managing their lives better but many regret the time lost when they don’t.

By Donna Shea

Nadine has been away on a trip of a lifetime, in Italy. She’s on her way back home now, and I am so excited she and her husband had this opportunity for travel.

While she’s been gone, I have contemplated how our friends can be great motivators in our lives. Either they are there with a gentle nudge, push, or hold us accountable in some way to our goals. We started this blog back in 2015, and keep each other on track as to who’s turn it is.

It was my turn last week, and I completely forgot. This week, I haven’t forgotten, but I haven’t felt any great urges to write. I haven’t been able to come up with a topic that says “Oh, that’s a good one! I have to write about that!.” I messed around with trying to find an old one to renew, but that hasn’t worked either. It may be that my friend isn’t around to bounce ideas off of. It could be that I’m just crazy busy, and she’s not here, so I’m doing a little procrastinating on this end of things.

We all need a friend or friends that help keep us on track. Whether it’s a goal that you have in common, cheering us on through a crazy patch, or just to know they are around and have the expectation that we will do what we said.

So, I sit here writing a blog-less blog, so that when she gets home, I can say that I did my job, but I really missed her.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Finding the right tone to strike when defending a belief can be tricky and, quite honestly, takes a lot of practice. If the topic is a hot button for you, it can be hard to keep anger in check when someone offends you. Or if you tend to be very averse to any kind of confrontation, you might be tempted to just let it go and not defend your belief.

I (Nadine) feel that striking a balance between the two approaches is a goal that will satisfy both the desire to defend but not to argue. As the mom of a daughter with Down syndrome, I have had to defend her on countless occasions. Sometimes I have done it awkwardly and probably ineffectively and other times I have been able to strike the right balance. I do know one thing for sure; not defending her is not an option. I would rather live with others disliking me than me disliking myself.

In working with teenagers, they inevitably are going to use the r-word now and again. Since I have had to address the use of this particular version of hate speech so often that, sadly, I am quite experienced. So when it was said just last week, it was routine for me. We sit down on a bean bag and I explain. I don’t get angry but I am also crystal clear. This is my center, that language offends me and it will not be allowed here and let me tell you why. I pull out my phone and show a photo of my beautiful daughter. She is why it is not allowed and she is why my social skills center exists. I always tell the teen that if they should ever be so lucky to meet my daughter, the words that they should say to her are “thank you.”

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) mentioned the title of this blog to a kid who came to his social group in a grouchy mood. He was miserable. Crabby and out of sorts. He was complaining about everything and everyone. He didn’t feel like playing anything and he was really being a downer. It was taking down the mood of the rest of us, and he was not interested or invested in working with me towards participating.

Do you have people in your life that complain a lot? Are you a person who others think complains a lot? Complaining can very easily become habitual. The more you complain and focus on the negative, the more you will find you have things to complain about. This is why we work with kids using positive psychology. You can train your brain to move from focusing on the negative to looking for the positive.

We all know that saying that misery loves company. The company generally does not want misery, complaints, gossip, and all those things that draw a social situation down to a complaint session, however easy it seems to go there.

We all have those days when we’re irritable or feeling low. And, as an important point, I would never say this to a person who is depressed or sad for very good reasons. More generally, if we’re having a bad or an off day, it’s more beneficial to our social relationships if we change our plan to what we need to do for ourselves in terms of self-care then to spread our grouchy mood.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

When I talk to clients about issues that they are having with their children, they tell me about how he or she is not connecting with peers, eats alone at lunch, feels like no one like them and so on. Those problems are not small issues to address and will take time and effort to begin to resolve. Sometimes, when I talk to people, they start to “pile on” more and more problems during the course of our conversation. I might hear “and there are layoffs at my work and my car broke and my mom might have dementia and…” on and on. All those are important and concerning things and all will need to be addressed at some point. The thing is, all of those problems cannot be addressed all at once. Even trying to think about them all at the same time is going to cause overwhelm and worry. Here are some tips for when problems seem to pile up.

1. Tackle the most urgent one first. You might not be able to address them all at the same time.
2. Try not to stress about the ones you can’t control. If you are not in control, let it go. There is nothing you can do about it.
3. Take proactive steps so you are ready should something occur. For example, if there is a possibility that you might lose your job, update your resume and start to throw out some feelers.
4. Delegate problems to others if you can. Perhaps a significant other or a family member could help with one of the problems you are facing. Maybe a sibling can help with an ailing parent, for example.
5. Take time for self-care. Exercising to de-stress or taking time to get you nails done can give you a small break.
6. Leave it up to the professionals. If your child is not connecting or making friends, enroll him or her into a social skills group and let the professional do what they are trained to do.
7. Don’t think too far into the future if you don’t have to. If your child is in a grade lower than a junior in high school, now is not the time to think about what will happen after high school. This is a thought that you can save for when life is less overwhelming.

Life can seem unfair at times and situations can arise all at the same time. It’s not possible to avoid dealing with them but hopefully you can start to manage better by implementing these tips.