By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Conversation skills are absolutely critical for making a friendship connection with another person. The nuances of conversations are subtle and can be tricky for people who don’t pick up on social cues. Here is a “flow chart” of sorts to help with understanding how to start a conversation and when to stop trying to talk to someone if they are not interested in continuing the conversation.
Step 1: Comment – Start a conversation with a comment – this doesn’t require a response. (ex.” Oh man, I hope this math test isn’t as hard as the last one.”). At this step, if the person responds, then move on to step 2. If not, ask yourself if the person heard you, did they look at you or or nod or in any way acknowledge you? If so, then consider moving to step 2. If not, consider leaving it as is.

Step 2: Question – If the person responds, then follow up with a question. (ex. “Have you started studying yet?”) In this step, you are taking a bit of a risk since you are asking a direct question. If they don’t respond at this step, then stop trying for now. If they respond, you can feel comfortable moving to step 3 as long as their response was positive or even neutral. If they rolled their eyes at you or turned away, then stop trying for now.
Step 3: Reflection – Mention how you are feeling about the topic (be sure to stay humble) (ex. “I’m thinking that I’ll do all the practice problems to prepare.”). This is another step that does not require a response but it’s always nice if the other person does continue the conversation at this point. Avoid saying anything that would seem like a brag such as “I always ace these tests” even if it’s true.

Step 4: Invitation – If the person is actively engaging with you, and you have developed a friendship, you can consider an invitation. (ex. “Would you want to meet me in the library after school to study?”) This step is a fairly big one since you are definitely opening yourself up for possible rejection. If you’re just getting to know someone, this step can be skipped.
Not all conversations will follow this process but this gives a basic outline for those who struggle with how to know when to keep trying to talk to someone and when to stop. The best success for making great conversation with others is to be genuine, humble and interested in others. That’s how aquaintences can become friends.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

We all know what a love triangle is (who hasn’t read a good romance book?) There are other types of triangles that human beings can get caught up in. I’ve been aware that I’ve been caught up in a few of them myself recently.

Triangulation in one definition, occurs when two people are using a third party to communicate instead of speaking directly to each other. You may see this among family members, particularly siblings. It can also happen between in-laws, parents and children, and a host of other complex human interactions.

But why does it have to be so complex? Why can’t the two parties who need to communicate do so? They might be trying to diminish the level of conflict through the use of a “middle man”. One way to force more direct communication is for the “middle man” to recognize what is going on and to inform the other two sides of the triangle that they no longer want to be the person in the middle. This may worsen the interaction between the other two parties and escalate whatever conflict is happening and this might be what they were afraid of in the first place. However, it is hardly fair to loop in someone else into a conflict even though the two sides that are arguing might not have the communication skills or willingness to apologize/forgive. And in some instances, certain people enjoy drama and it’s creation.

Kids will triangulate themselves into a parents’ argument to stop their parents from arguing and yelling. You may see kids act up and misbehave for just this purpose. Kids are a barometer for tension a family.

Another aspect of triangulation is when you see kids playing together. Two kids on a play date or at recess will usually play with each other quite nicely. Add a third, and watch what happens. Inevitably, someone gets left out or has their feelings hurt. It’s much better to have play dates in even numbers.

So, as I become aware of the triangles I’ve been caught up in, I thought this blog idea might help other people to recognize when triangulation is happening in their own interactions. We tend to get triangulated when we are trying to help. When caught in a triangle, ask yourself which two sides of the triangle own the problem, and then allow them the practice of solving it themselves.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Reading the intent of another person during social interaction can be tricky. The children, teens, and young adults who attend our centers have a tough time understanding interactions. The most innocuous conversations can feel like exclusion. Awkward moments cab lead to more awkward moments to such a degree that peers, who might otherwise be friends, are just too confused by the actions of the other.
This past week, we had a few revelations that highlight this challenge. One teen felt that if people at the lunch table were talking about a topic, they knew he wasn’t interested in that they were excluding him. The result was him huffing off and the other teens at the table being confused as to why he left. Just because the rest of the group is talking about something that one person has no interest in, it does not mean that they are deliberately excluding that person. In this case, it was likely innocent, and his reaction was over the top and confusing to the group. I didn’t observe this personally, so there was a possibility that there may have been exclusion happening, but I doubt it.
In another instance, a tween loaned something to another tween at school. If someone loans out a pen to a person, that person expects to have use of that pen for the day. In this case, the loaner asked for the item back at a random part of the day. The reaction of the person who needed the pen was surprise and confusion, which was then interpreted by the loaner as selfish behavior. Maybe the person was truly mad, I can’t say for sure since I wasn’t there but the interaction was likely awkward.
Another teen felt as though he had to put on a different persona, depending on where he was. His perception was that he needed to be a certain way in specific settings to be accepted. The result, though, was feeling exhausted by trying to be someone he is not. It’s also possible that this teen’s peers don’t feel like they know the real person.
When we hear these stories, it can get messy since we don’t know the intent of the other person. We can only help them to decipher based on history with the people involved and the expression and tone of voice as reported by the possible “misperceiver.” It’s a messy situation that can be further complicated by the “misperceiver,” insisting that there is only one way to read the interaction.

The bottom line is that those who accuse others inaccurately of being unkind or even mean are going to lose the opportunity to be friends with those people. Being genuine, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and considering that there are many ways to interpret interactions can help to clear up the messiness.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

When I (Donna) was 5-years-old, I got caught shoplifting. We were at a local vegetable and fruit stand and I saw one of those big carpenter pencils. I wanted it to draw with, and I took it. I knew what I was doing was wrong, because I hid it. Back in the car, I took it out to admire it and my mother saw me with it.

She immediately knew what I had done, and turned the car around. She walked me back into the store and, through my tears, had me confess, apologize, and promise to never to it again. And guess what? I haven’t. A life of crime was not for me.

Kids can be naughty. And they can be naughty on purpose. My mom made no excuses for my behavior and I felt ashamed that day. Not shamed in the way we use the term in the more current culture, but embarrassed by the knowledge that my own choices had caused that consequence that day.

There are two occasions that I remember working with kids that this concept of a healthy amount of shame came up, with different outcomes. In one instance, one of the kids had been targeting another during group with mean behavior. When the conflict escalated and the second child tried to defend themself, that first child tried to blame the second one. Since I had witnessed the entire situation, I wasn’t buying it and told the first child that I had seen it, I wanted it to stop, and that she had asked for and deserved the response she had received. I then left her to think about it, and you could see the struggle with a small dose of understanding that she had done wrong. After a time, she rejoined the session and we continued from where we had left off. The mean moments ended.

On another occasion, a child deliberately destroyed something in my office that was important to the people who were working on it. When I firmly called them to the carpet about that choice, there were tears. I explained that the feeling they were having was something called shame. It was okay to feel it, and should be felt when we do something that we know is wrong. Unfortunately, the story that the parent got about the incident was that it was an accident, and the parent took the child’s untruth as truth. What does that teach? That you can get away with things and people will make excuses for your choices.

I’m not talking at all about shaming children who struggle with symptoms of ADHD or have other challenges. I’m talking about the deliberate naughtiness that all children are capable of. Shame is an emotion that all humans feel.  Negative emotions exist for a reason. A healthy dose of shame is part of our moral compass. When we do something we know is wrong, shame helps us find our way back to right.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Our (Nadine’s) family has a few birthdays that we celebrate in January. My husband’s birthday is today, with mine being on Thursday. As I enter this “birthday celebration week,” it occurred to me that birthdays at any age can be fun and pleasant or filled with pressure and anxiety.

It seems like for adults; it starts at age 29 when young adults are saying goodbye to their 20’s and are concerned about what their relationship status is at that point in their lives. Are they married? Is the biological clock ticking to start a family? They can feel the pressure that they have not achieved whatever internal goals they had set for themselves. Does this hinder the celebratory aspect of such a birthday?

For those turning the “legal adult” age of 18, they tell me that they are somewhat afraid of what adulthood means and if they are ready for that. I think the band AJR says it best in their song:

Don’t Throw Out My Legos:

“Oh no, don’t throw out my Legos
What if I can’t let go
What if I come back home, back home
Oh no, don’t throw out my Legos
What if I can’t let go
What if I come back home, back home
Can we keep my Legos at home?
‘Cause I wanna move out
I don’t wanna move on”

We coach teens and young adults on this very subject by explaining they will do or achieve whatever it is that they are ready for at that age. Everyone is on a different path, so follow your own and don’t concern yourself with the journey of others.
For kids, they will wake up on their actual birthday expecting to feel different and older somehow. They get super excited about whatever celebration their family has planned, and the expectations can become enormous. Sometimes, a small thing will go wrong, and they’ll blow up and meltdown because they had such high hope of the perfect day.
With our birthday week upon us, we have decided to celebrate. We are where we are in life, and we have done our best along the way with no regrets. We will have a no-pressure celebration and enjoy the fact that we are aging, hopefully gracefully, together.

By Donna Shea and Nadine Briggs

Most adults would fill in that blank with “so.” “Because I said so” is a phrase that kids hear pretty frequently. In my experience, when I am in the “because I said so” mode with kids, they either ignore my request in its demand form or increase the times they push up against that “so” and behavior increases rather than decreases.

Children are a pretty savvy group of people these days. If you think about it, it’s a good thing not to be a blind follower of what someone tells you to do. But how are we, as parents or adults who work with kids, get them to follow the rules or do as we ask?

It occurred to me one day running a group that maybe kids would do better if I explained the reasoning behind the request or the demand I was making. As an example, my group room has a slippery laminate floor, so we have a rule about not running and sliding in stockinged feet. Over and over, my staff and I found ourselves being on kids for doing precisely what we asked them not to do. “Because I said so” wasn’t working. I sat them all down, and I said that I wanted to try something different. I explained that I realized that many times, grownups said, “because I said so” about something and never told kids why. I noted that grown-ups don’t make up rules to be mean or to stop kids from having fun. So I said from now on, I would tell them “why” I had a specific rule or made a particular request.

In the example above, I told the kids that the rule about not sliding around in their stockinged feet was first and foremost to keep them safe from falling and hurting themselves on a hard and unforgiving surface. The second was to keep the walls of our group room from getting damaged. It happened three times when sliding feet turned into knees through the wall. I keep one of those holes unrepaired and covered by a bookshelf as an example of the “why” I have that rule, and I show it to kids who need to see it to understand.

I promised the kids that from now on, I would work hard to say “because I said and why” instead of “because I said so” and that they were allowed to ask me “why” if I should forget. One of the boys breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Miss Donna, why can’t all adults do that?” Well, maybe this idea might catch on, and this guy’s wish will come true. It only takes a minute to give a child a “why.”

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

January is a time for resolutions and promises of fresh starts in the new year. It can also be a great time to let go of grudges from the past. For some people, forgiving is easy. As soon as they realize that someone is genuinely sorry, or even before an apology comes, they are ready to forgive and move on. But other people hang onto grudges, and some also are proud of how deep their grudge is and how long they’ve held onto it. Grudges are not something to be proud of and should be smudged out of your conscious whenever possible.

For the people we social coach, grudges are common, and forgiveness can be difficult. For those who have social challenges, it’s even possible that they are holding a grudge for something that they misperceived. Kids who work so hard to get friends will cut them loose at the smallest infraction. However, if the scenario flips, those same people want forgiveness from others. They don’t see the hypocrisy in that, though, even when it’s pointed out to them.

Sometimes people hold onto family grudges. If a family repeatedly brings up a past grievance, kids will take on that grievance even if there was resolution long ago, or if they have no memory of what happened.

Holding onto grievances can be a substantial social barrier, and it’s essential to learn how to let go. Our favorite way of letting go is to do a grudge smudge. A grudge smudge is a simple task of writing down the grudge on a piece of paper or card stock and shredding it. If done by hand, card stock is more satisfying. I use a hand crank shredder to get the job done. Once the grudge is smudged, that means no more revisiting that grudge. Shredding it symbolizes being completely done with it, and it’s cleansing to release all that negativity.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

It’s a high-anxiety time of year for kids. Let’s think about it from their standpoint. Many of them are being watched by an Elf on the Shelf who reports back to Santa. Some kids may be receiving threats from parents that if they don’t behave, Santa won’t bring them anything but coal for their stocking. Santa’s naughty or nice list is VERY real for children whose families have Santa as part of their season.

Over the last two weeks, the kids in social groups have demonstrated that anxiety through INCREASED behavior manifestations, not less. Anxiety in children exacerbates irritability, moodiness, defiance, and the ability to self-regulate. Kids who already struggle with self-regulation are finding it nearly impossible. Besides excitement, there is a great deal of fear. The fear creates increased “naughtiness.” Kids become even more anxious that they won’t make the cut on Santa’s list, and their perceived misbehavior continues at a higher rate. It’s a vicious cycle.

What to do? I tell the kids that effort is all that Santa is really looking for. If you try your best and make mistakes, Santa understands that. You can help decrease a child’s anxiety around this by praising their efforts. Maybe have the Elf-on-the-Shelf leave stickers that say “great effort” or “I know that you are trying!” While I wish that Santa was unconditional, the story surrounding how he watches for naughty and nice is part of the picture. Let’s have Santa also watch for effort and give our little people a chance to relax a little more around this time of year.

We both wish you and your families a joyful, peaceful, and wonderful holiday season.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Within our families and friend groups, various needs pop up for different people. It can feel a bit like playing “whack-a-mole” as we do our best to give everyone what they need. Sometimes some situations need your attention no matter what everyone else is asking from you.

Recently, my (Nadine’s) circle has been struck with several cancer diagnoses. From ages 15 – 60 years old, so it has run the gamut from “likely curable with treatment” to “get your affairs in order.” Speaking as someone whose own family has dealt with cancer for many years, here are some tips on what to do from my perspective. The level and type of support will vary somewhat depending on how close you are to the person struggling, so please consider that as you review the list.

Don’t forget the caregiver – the person who has the diagnosis is undoubtedly scared and needs support, but so does the caregiver. That person is equally afraid but has to put on a brave face for their loved one. They sometimes handle all the appointments, insurance, medication refills, and disbursement, and they are the ones who are there during the patient’s darkest moments. Care for them – they need you even when they say they don’t (which they will).

Pop Over with a Gift Bag – the fact that you are thinking of them during a trying time can give them the support they need to feel like they will be okay. For the teen, a journal to write down her thoughts and things that she is grateful for during her treatment. A bag of knitting supplies for the friend who is going to be recovering after surgery. For the dear friend who’s husband is terminal, a bracelet that says “just breathe” and little note cards sent randomly to brighten her day. Cash and gift cards are also super helpful. Daily treatments mean daily parking fees.

Understanding – they might not be able to do the same things they used to do. The person who has slowed down by the fight needs to know that your friendship will be solid no matter what he or she can do.

Don’t ignore it – ignoring that your friend’s diagnosis with cancer shows your level of discomfort with them. The person fighting cancer is not able to ignore its reality, and you might find that he or she might even mention it around you to show you it is okay to discuss it. If he or she feels that you are uncomfortable around them, they might not want to spend as much time with you. He or she will not want to make you uncomfortable.

Please, please, please, no pity – pity is the worst. Seriously, do not pity anyone. Ever.

Randomly text them – if you don’t know what to say, text that you are thinking of them, text something funny you found on Facebook, or just a heart emoji.

Don’t add to their stress – sometimes people do this without meaning to, but some people tend to think more about themselves than others. Don’t be that person. Their experience isn’t about you.

The bottom line is to be there unconditionally no matter what else is going on in your own life.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

This is a true story about flexible thinking, a skill that is one of the hardest ones for many of the kids at our centers. It can be difficult for adults, too. Back on November 29th, the day after Thanksgiving, I (Donna) and my significant other Mike had made some plans. The plan included dropping off a vehicle that we use as an extra family “rental” car because there were problems with the brakes, even after my son had replaced them. It also needed a safety inspection sticker, and the emergency brake wasn’t working either. We found a Midas Muffler near where we also wanted to go hiking that day while they were working on the car. We had, what we thought, as a solid plan for the day.

We picked up the vehicle as scheduled, and drove it around the corner to the car wash for a wash and a vacuum. The car had no gas in it, and we discovered four pretty much flat tires. We found that the air pump at the car wash had something jammed in it so that we couldn’t fill them there. I knew there was a gas station not that far away, so we went there to put fuel in the tank and air in the tires. Mike was driving the vehicle that needed repair, and I was following him around in our car. He was pushing the brake pedal to the floor and praying each time that he would be able to stop.

We got to Midas Muffler only to find that it closed. Now, that was disappointing, as their website had allowed me to schedule an appointment. There was a sign on the door saying they were closed for the holiday. We just looked at each other and said, okay, what do we do next? Mike wondered aloud if putting some brake fluid in might help and there was an Autozone right there. So we drove to that parking lot. Just for fun, Mike checked all the fluids to find that that the car was running on empty, everything empty.  So we went into Autozone every kind of liquid the car could take. Still no luck with the brakes, and he was not wanting to keep driving it if we didn’t have to.

The next idea was a Chevy dealership that was close by. We pulled in there and asked if they could help. They said, sure. We can take it in next Wednesday. We were like, um, nope, but thanks anyway. So now what? By this time, we figured that our hiking plan was off the table.

Mike mentioned that we had passed a Munroe Muffler on our travels that were open, so we gingerly drove the vehicle there. They were very accommodating and happy to take a look at it. Even though it was 1:00 in the afternoon by then, we decided to go off and do the hike we had planned since were still weren’t that far away. It ended up being a beautiful day for it.

Once back at Munroe Muffler, we discovered they didn’t bleed the brake lines as planned as they were afraid it would cause to much pressure and other parts to break. We were told that the emergency brake system was non-existent. It is still a mystery as to what happened, and no one is talking. We thanked them and then decided that the ever-evolving plan now included taking the car home, having a nightcap, and dealing with it by taking it to the local mechanic up the street on Monday. On Monday, we had over 2 feet of snow here, so the car didn’t move until Wednesday, where it still sits as of this writing the mechanic’s shop, and I wait for word.

So why tell this story? Because over the course of the day, and many times in our day-to-day lives, Mike and I work with what we call the ever-evolving plan. It is what we call it when we need to use our most flexible thinking, but curveballs and roadblocks can somedays come non-stop. It also helps us shift our thinking from being stuck and frustrated to adapting and moving forward to another step. It is a lot better to laugh together over all the changes in plan than to get angry and upset, which solves nothing.

This type of flexible thinking is challenging for some people. Many of the children who come to our centers struggle significantly in this area. Once the first need to adapt shows up, some people may give up and shut down.  It is also a hard concept to teach, but stories like this can be a tool. You can also try books where kids need to make different choices along the way to adapt to the story and change the outcome. When kids can learn life itself is an ever-evolving plan, we can give them the tools they need to adapt and overcome those abrupt or frustrating changes of plans.