By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Not long ago, I (Donna) was out doing some shopping at a local store. As I was waiting in line, I noticed a very elderly cashier. She was moving very slowly, taking the time to wipe down the counter and perform some other tasks. I also noticed that she was going to be the cashier that checked me out. I was feeling tired, hangry and growing impatient.

As I stood there waiting for her to finish tidying her work space and to be called to check out, I did what I teach the kids at my center to do, stop and think. Try to look at things from another perspective. Download your patience app into your brain. As I continued to stand there, I shifted my thinking from myself, onto the cashier. I surmised that she was working at her advanced age for one of two reasons. Either she had to work, which suggested financial or other difficulties in her life, or she wanted to work to be out engaging with people so as not to be lonely. In either case, she certainly did not deserve my impatience or an attitude to ruin her day.

I was at last called to check out. I gave her a smile and a friendly hello. I helped remove the clothes I was purchasing from their hangers while we chatted about this and that. It ended up being a very pleasant exchange for both of us. I am very glad that I stopped to choose patience.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Children and teens who have social challenges have difficulty with understanding which type of language to use in various settings. They might try to gain attention from others by inserting “edgy” comments into conversations. What they don’t realize, though, is that this attention-getting strategy may frequently offend the very people they are trying to impress. Most people won’t express their discomfort if someone mentions an uncomfortable topic and they might even laugh to mask that discomfort. Here is a guideline we created to help children and teens understand some of the conversation pitfalls that they should avoid.

Note: For all of these topics, having a respectful conversation in the appropriate setting is fine. We are referring to “jokes” or flippant comments regarding these topics in a casual social environment.

Creepy Talk – we coined this term for comments that include guns, fights, wars, or aspects of our lives that are generally deemed sacred (cemeteries, death, etc.), alarming news topics, killings, or school shootings.

Topics to Avoid – Politics, political affiliation, money, religion, physical appearance, disability, LBGTQ, adoption.

Harsh/Offensive Language – Sucks, stupid, idiot, shut up, swearing, the r-word or any derogatory comments about those who are different from them, some slang.

Attention Seeking Comments – Inappropriate content or “locker room” talk, any crazy story that you make bigger to impress others, use of drugs, drinking, smoking, vaping.

Humor that Insults – Comments that disparage others, putting others down for entertainment, and laughing at others rather than with them.

This guide is a framework for those with social challenges to be  used within the context of differing situations. As an example, hanging out with your teen friends versus meeting your girlfriend or boyfriend’s parents for the first time, are very different scenarios. For those who have trouble discerning when to use a certain type of language in a given social situation, it is best to err on the side of caution, so as not to offend potential friends.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I found this blog post that I had written back in 2017 (Donna), and since yesterday was Superbowl Sunday, football will definitely be a topic of conversation today. I realized that I had also just chatted with a child in one of my groups about this idea within the last couple of weeks. I know many kids who will always agree to play with another child or join in when they are asked or invited to, but they rarely, if ever, initiate a social interaction on their own. These kids are good receivers of friendship overtures, but they aren’t making the initial play.

I got to thinking that teaching kids initiation skills is similar to football. If you are always a receiver, you may or may not be the one that the football gets passed to. The odds are a great deal less the ball will come your way. However, a quarterback gets to call the plays and pass the ball. He has a 100% chance of interaction. So, it makes some sense to teach the kids how to be a quarterback and call the friendship plays. How do you coach a child to change their position from receiver to quarterback? Encourage them to:

• Go up to someone at recess and say, “I’d like to play with you. What are you playing?”
• Call a classmate for a play date or have a parent help you make the call.
• If you are a teen, send the text to suggest a plan for Friday night. A concrete plan. Lots of teens are sitting home waiting on that football to come their way. Be the one who throws the ball.

The eventual pay-off of being a good quarterback is that a child or teen will also be a more frequently invited receiver and the back-and-forth of friendship will become a natural series of initiation and response. Friendship touchdowns are sure to happen if you throw the ball enough times!

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

When disasters occur, we often are encouraged to look for the helpers. Those who help sandbag when flood waters rise or pick up the fallen walls of homes after a tornado. But do we notice or acknowledge those who help for the little things?

Last week, my (Nadine’s) son left for Italy to study for a semester. To prepare him for this experience, he needed money, medicine and physical therapy for his body to be prepared to run his first marathon while there. I mention these 3 things, even though the preparations were a much longer list because all of them went wrong. I mean went wrong to a ridiculous level. The words “oh, come ON!” were said more often than they should have been given the tasks.

The biggest struggle was being caught in a loop trying to get him 3 months of medication. We’d call the insurance company, they would approve it, call the doctor, they would approve it and then the pharmacy said they would not fill the prescription. We were told it was against federal law. We were told that he had reached his limit on the medications that could be filled.  On and on it went with reasons why he could not get his meds. Meanwhile, time is running out and there is no possibility of shipping the medication once he gets there, due to significant delays getting it to clear customs.

It seemed like after our third round of the insurance, doctor, pharmacy loop that we would not be able to make this happen. That was until Colleen from CVS Pharmacy took hold of the situation. She was the only reasonable person who figured that, when you really think about it, this should not be that big of a deal. She called the insurance company, called the government, and researched it until she got the right answer. She figured out the whole mess. I was so relieved to have at least one person take this on and do what needed to be done to make it happen.

I decided that instead of feeling angry for the wasted weeks and toward all of the people who got it wrong, I would focus on the one who got it right. I wanted her to know how truly grateful I was for taking the initiative and helping us. I wrote two thank you notes to deliver when I picked up the medication, one for Colleen and one for her manager. That shift away from feeling anger and toward feeling grateful does not always come naturally, but it does feel so much better for the mind and soul.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Our work has become infused with positive psychology. A few years back, Nadine would tell me things about positive psychology and mindfulness and my brain would jump to judgement of  that “new-age” thinking. I didn’t really get it, and it is such human nature to pooh-pooh what we don’t understand. She was way ahead of the curve. Fortunately, she was tenacious enough to keep those conversations going, and I finally decided to delve in and explore what it was all about.

And all I can say is, wow. Positive psychology is powerful stuff. What amazes me more, is that it really, really works, especially for me as a person who runs on anxiety. It isn’t about always being happy and positive. Crap happens. What I have found through using its tenets, is that it is MUCH easier for me cope with things are tough. It’s because, through the use of positive psychology, you can (and this is scientifically proven) strengthen the positive “muscles” in your brain. Literally, rewire it.

Positive psychology, when paired with cognitive behavioral science (we have certifications in both), takes our social coaching of children and teens to a dimension that brings relief and hope to many of them. I’m no longer a skeptic, I’m a believer.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Recently I (Nadine) was asked “what do you do for self care”? It’s a question that I had not been asked before, but I do think it’s important to consider if we as parents are focusing on our own health and well-being. I’ll be honest with you and admit that my personal self care ebbs and flows, but I do always get it back on track when I fall off. And I do fall off a lot! I will share what mine looks like and the mentality I maintain. I would love to hear from all of you as well and maybe we can inspire each other.

Workouts:
When I work out, which I try to do 3 times a week, I focus on the calories burned rather than the time spent or the activity that I do. For example, this morning I used my treadmill and my goal was 300 calories. I did a combination of running and walking on an incline. In my mind, I tell myself that it doesn’t matter how I get to the 300 calories as long as I do.

Motivation:
I listen to music that gets me going. Without it, I am sure I would slog along. A good song with a good beat can kick me from walking into a run.

Nutrition:
I try to eat as clean as I can. By clean, I mean that I try to eat pure foods and avoid preservatives or chemicals. For example, if I need grated cheese, I will grate my own rather than buy the pre-shredded bags that have anticoagulants chemicals in them so that the cheese doesn’t clump. I drink giant cups of water all day. I don’t like flat water so I drink sparkling because I enjoy the fizz. I used to be a huge soda drinker but have not had a soda in probably 3 years.

Sleep:
I strive to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. If I don’t I might have 15 minute mini nap in the late afternoon before I go run groups until 8:00 pm. I listen to an app with a recording of ocean waves to help me sleep. I imagine that I have fallen asleep in hammock on the beach. It calms my mind and readies my mind to shut down for a while.

Calm:
We all need to find times during the day for calm. I might wall my dog, watch TV with my husband or crochet a scarf that I definitely don’t need. Whatever it is for you, find time to just recharge and ready yourself for the next day.

Optimism:
Life can be hard at times and it is easy to fall into a trap of negative thinking. Should you find yourself stuck in a loop of negativity, try writing it all down or venting to a friend to free yourself from it. Then focus on all that is right with your life and feel gratitude for the things that are going well.

Fun:
It should not be surprising that as a social coach, I am a very social person! I love to hang with my friends and have fun. Our house is the main house in our very large neighborhood where the parties happen. Whether it’s a game night or our usual Monday girl’s night, we get together with friends often. Your fun might be a more introverted variety and that’s fine too. Life is to be enjoyed in any way that works for you.

Share your self care with us! We can lift each other up and remind one another that our own health, happiness and well being matter and not just that of our children.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

The holiday season is a time to celebrate and spend time with family and friends. For those who celebrate Christmas and Hanukah, it’s also a gift-giving season. The holidays can bring out the “gimmes” in some children. With a focus on gift giving, kids are asked “what do you want for the holidays?” and “what do you hope to get for Christmas/Hannakah this year?” Society as a whole is focused on shopping and acquiring the right gifts for everyone on their list. Kids can barely sleep on Christmas Eve as they think about the excitement of waking up to a load of gifts under their trees. We all tend to get a bit “wrapped up” (pun intended!).

So how do parents slide the scale from the gimmes to the gives? Here are some tips:

1. Focus on gratitude – people who take the time to reflect on all that they have to be grateful for tend to be more optimistic and happy. Gratitude jars, listing 3 good things and why each day and gratitude journals are all ways to stay focused on the good things kids already have in their lives and not just on the toys and games that kids want.
2. Play imagine if… – ask kids to truly imagine what would it be like to not have enough to eat or proper clothes for the weather or a place to live. Some kids might not realize that there are people who are homeless or who live in shelters. Helping out at a charity is a great way to show them the benefits of altruism for everyone. Those whom they help will be better off and the helpers get a mood booster too.
3. Toy drives – encourage your child to include a list of toys and games to donate to a toy drive. Ask
   

   Photo and scarf bomb credit: Val Overton-Moore

   them to help out around the house to earn money to those toys and have them physically walk in to drop the toys in at the drive.

4. Random acts of kindness – many of you might have seen Donna’s video to share a smile. Think about what type of random act of kindness your child could do. Several websites create monthly calendars with ideas for acts of kindness.
5. Secret Santa – have your child make a gift or an ornament and leave it in someone’s mailbox. I belong to a Facebook group where one woman “scarf bombed” a church and a homeless shelter. She made each scarf by hand and left a note on each one that the finder of the scarf was welcome to take it. I can only imagine how excited she felt to leave those precious handmade gifts for strangers to enjoy.

This holiday season, we hope that your children can take a moment to think of someone less fortunate and get the happiness boost that comes when the “gimmes” turn into the “givees”.

 

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

This is a re-posting from a blog we wrote last December. 

Tis the season, and for those families who celebrate Christmas, there is the expectation for kids to be good all year. If not, the presents due to arrive under the Christmas tree might be jeopardy. Yikes! We will confess that there is no way, even as adults, that we can or will be “good” all year. We’re not even sure what being “good all year” even means. Let’s just put us on the naughty list now, since we most certainly deserve it.

We both admit to having seriously not nice thoughts while shopping in the grocery store. Nadine sometimes avoids taking the dog out and makes her husband do it, especially when it’s cold. She gets angry when her teenage son won’t get out of bed for school. Donna gets cranky and impatient when she is tired or overwhelmed. Sometimes she’s just cranky and impatient for no reason at all.

Does your child know what being good means for them? In a frustrated moment, most of us have told our kids that they “better watch out!” The holidays are a magical time regardless of which religious traditions you celebrate. Having to “be good” for a whole year is a really huge and impossible expectation. Maybe we should change the wording a bit or at the very least define what we mean. How about:

Did you try to be as kind as you could and use your manners with people this year?
Did you sincerely apologize when you made mistakes?
Did you try to be as honest as possible?
Did you offer to help others who needed you?
Were you as loving as you are capable of being?

For kids who are literal thinkers, how about we help them to understand that Santa just wants you to do your best. He doesn’t require perfectionism and he is very forgiving if you mess up and do something “naughty.” Let kids know that even Santa makes mistakes, as do adults. Christmas is a time to remember that no matter what we do or who we are, doing our best will always be enough.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

In our work as social coaches, we offer a huge variety of toys and games for the kids to play with to keep things interesting and create a fun environment. All toys and games have a social element to them where we encourage sharing and good sportsmanship but we have a few favorites that we use with a purpose. Here is our list and why you may want to add them to your holiday shopping list this season.

(Click title or image to purchase)

1) Whoonu by Cranium

Product Description: The “what’s your favorite” thing game. You’re sure to have unforgettable fun as you reveal your favorite things, share hilarious stories, and bond over surprising connections. You’ll be amazed at what you’ll learn about your friends and family — especially those you think you know best! Whoonu is easy to learn and quick to play, so it’s the perfect game for any occasion. And best of all, it’s just as fun to play with people you’ve known for 5 minutes as it is with people you’ve known forever! The game includes 300 game cards, 36 scoring tokens, and a secret envelope. The game takes approximately 15 minutes to play. For 3 to 6 players.

Why We Like It: This game is designed so that players rank the favorite things of other players. It is a great way to get kids to think about what others are thinking (perspective taking). If kids know each other well, they will likely do well in the game and if they aren’t familiar with one another, they will have a better understanding of likes and dislikes after playing this game.

2) Bubble Talk

Product Description: Bubble Talk is a new fast-paced family board game that asks players to match hilarious captions with funny pictures. A game that is as much fun if you are 8 or 80. The game begins when each player draws seven random caption cards. The judge for that round draws a picture card and players must quickly try to match the funniest caption they have to the picture. The player who makes the judge laugh the most wins that round. Each round provides comical, clever and creative results, guaranteed to keep everyone in the group laughing. Perfect for a small group of three or as many as eight players. Each game includes 150 picture cards (4″x 6″) and 300 hilarious caption cards that allow for hours of gameplay. So let’s get started!

Why We Like It: The kids absolutely love this game. It always generates peals of laughter. The game has photos of rather odd scenarios with a wide variety of captions that may go with the images. Kids will practice respecting the opinion of peers as the “it” for the round chooses the caption that they think fits the image best. Some of the captions may be a bit “edgy” for younger kids so we simply remove those from the game.

3) Apples to Apples

Product Description: The name of the game is a play on the phrase “apples to oranges,” and the game is about making comparisons between different things. General gameplay is as follows: players are dealt red cards which have a noun printed on them, and the judge (a different player in each turn) draws a green card on which an adjective is printed and places it for all players to see. Each player then chooses a red card they are holding that they think best describes the green card. The judge then decides which adjective she likes best.

Why We Like It: This game is a classic and is just like Bubble Talk only with words.

4) Boochie Ball

Product Description: Get ready for this all-new action-packed family game that will have you tossing, kicking, bowling, and throwing like never before! First, toss out the soft foam Boochie target and then try to land your ball and hoop as close to it as possible. Keep score on a special wrist tracker that gives you a different outrageous throwing challenge every round. You may have to toss between your legs, behind your back, or even with your eyes closed! The player with the most points wins. Play Boochie… Have a ball! 2-4 players. Playing time about 15 minutes. Contents: 4 toss rings, 4 beanballs, 4 wrist trackers, 1 12-sided Boochie Ball, Vinyl Travel bag. AWARDS: Oppenheim Toy Portfolio Gold Award, iParenting Media Award, National Parenting Center Seal of Approval, Major Fun Award, Parents’ Choice Silver Honor, Dr. Toy’s Best Product Award Winner, Creative Child Magazine Game of the Year, National Parenting Publications (NAPPA) Gold Award.

Why We Like It:  Boochie Ball requires a bit of space but can be played inside. Kids wear a wristband that explains how they will take their next turn. It helps teach the concept that fair isn’t always equal.

5) Likewise

Product Description: Likewise is a lively party game where it pays to think alike! One player turns over a “description” card and a “subject” card to create a zany category like “Goofy” “Hairstyle.” Then each player writes something that fits that category on their paddle without showing anyone else. When everyone is done writing, players flip over their paddles to reveal their answers. The most matched answer wins the round! Think you know which “Outrageous” “Celebrity” your best friend would choose? How about which “Mysterious” “Cooking Utensil” or “Pathetic” “Politician”? There are over 5,000 possible category combinations! The more you think like the other players, the more likely you are to win the game! Recommended for 3 to 6 players, ages 14+. Contents include 6 paddles, 6 dry erase markers, 71 description cards, 71 subject cards, scoreboard, die, and stickers.

Why We Like It:  Kids connect with other kids who have the same answers forming a stronger friendship bond.

6) Happy Birthday Game

Product Description: The hilarious game of giving funny gifts. – Only 30 seconds to learn! – The hilarious gift cards will get kids laughing instantly. How to Play 1. Everybody gives you gifts from their hand. 2. You pick the best one. 3. That player gets a point!

Why We Like It: Games that encourage players to think about what others like build the perspective-taking skill that many kids with social challenges have a difficult time applying.

7) Cozy Sack 3-Feet Bean Bag Chair

Product Description: The Cozy Sack foam chair is the most comfortable place to sit anywhere. They are filled with the softest virgin urethane foam available. The urethane foam will spring back to normal size after every use and not go flat like the traditional bean bag chairs.

Why We Like It: Although not a game or toy, these bean bags are a very popular item at my social skills center and parents ask me often where I got them.

Happy holidays to everyone! Have fun!

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

As I chatted with a new-to-my-social-group and middle school 6th grader, words came to mind. Awkward. Self-conscious. Body-conscious. Anxious. Friends who are no longer friends. Drama. Dark moods and crying jags or just feeling “bleh.” The beginnings of attraction to other people in new ways. Parents.

As she talked, I listened. I also traveled back in time. And as I did, I remembered that I felt EXACTLY the same way. We all did. But we also all thought that no one else felt that way. No else had the weirdest of thoughts. No one else felt uncomfortable in their own skin. No one else felt sad for no reason or worried so much.

If there is anything that we can pass along to our middle school or junior high school kids, is that AWKWARD is the norm for this time of life. Please share the below with a tween or teen that you love:

It is normal to:

• Be super self-conscious about everything, including your body, or lose a little confidence in yourself right now. This is due to the changes your body going through to mature to an adult. Do the best you can to treat your body right while it goes through this major shift. Use good personal hygiene, dress in clean clothes, try to eat at least 80% healthy and move around a little for exercise.
• Have mood swings. You feel sad one minute, happy the next. Dark places and spaces are normal. What’s NOT normal is if the dark moods don’t lift and you don’t enjoy what you used to enjoy. It is also NOT normal to think about hurting yourself or other people. If you are having those kinds of thoughts, tell a trusted adult, now.
• Change friends. As you get older, you may have less in common with old elementary school friends and more in common with new ones. Everyone is trying on new friends right now. There is a LOT of group switching in middle school.
• Feel anxious. And if you are already kind of an anxious person, it is normal for it to get pretty bad right around now. You will have weird thoughts and weird worries. I had some SUPER weird ones that I share with kids this age. Try to remember this: No worry is too weird and never worry alone. If you have thoughts stuck in your head that are weird or driving you crazy, this is where a trusted adult can be helpful.
• Be attracted to other people. Some of the people you are attracted to might surprise you. This can also be a confusing time as your brain works on figuring things out along with your body. It is completely normal to feel confused or strongly attracted to a crush. A hint that we can give you is to be friends first. You may decide to take the risk to let your crush know how you feel. That is brave. It is important to understand that if your crush doesn’t feel the same way in return, that it just wasn’t meant to be and to stay friends. Believe us, there will be many people that come into your life after middle school.
• Be in conflict with your parents. It is also very normal for you to have a somewhat love-hate relationship with your parents right now. You are probably wanting more freedom and not getting it yet. You are in the middle stage of still being your parents’ child and someone who is mature enough for more responsibility. As crummy as it is, your parents are doing their job looking out for you right now.

I told this 6th-grader that I remembered the worst of it as being the middle school years and into the beginning of freshman year. I told her that by 10th grade, most of this stuff was well past and we were on to more fully become the people that we were to eventually be, with the friends that we were meant to have. Please let our young teens know that we were all once there. And even though you cannot see it in peers and friends, there isn’t one of them that isn’t experiencing the same struggles, even though it might not look like it on the outside. Every middle schooler, and we do mean every, is feeling awkward on the inside.

Have a middle-schooler that could benefit from even more advice and tips? Check out our book for tweens and teens, available for FREE through Friday in the Kindle version.