By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Our (Nadine’s) family has a few birthdays that we celebrate in January. My husband’s birthday is today, with mine being on Thursday. As I enter this “birthday celebration week,” it occurred to me that birthdays at any age can be fun and pleasant or filled with pressure and anxiety.

It seems like for adults; it starts at age 29 when young adults are saying goodbye to their 20’s and are concerned about what their relationship status is at that point in their lives. Are they married? Is the biological clock ticking to start a family? They can feel the pressure that they have not achieved whatever internal goals they had set for themselves. Does this hinder the celebratory aspect of such a birthday?

For those turning the “legal adult” age of 18, they tell me that they are somewhat afraid of what adulthood means and if they are ready for that. I think the band AJR says it best in their song:

Don’t Throw Out My Legos:

“Oh no, don’t throw out my Legos
What if I can’t let go
What if I come back home, back home
Oh no, don’t throw out my Legos
What if I can’t let go
What if I come back home, back home
Can we keep my Legos at home?
‘Cause I wanna move out
I don’t wanna move on”

We coach teens and young adults on this very subject by explaining they will do or achieve whatever it is that they are ready for at that age. Everyone is on a different path, so follow your own and don’t concern yourself with the journey of others.
For kids, they will wake up on their actual birthday expecting to feel different and older somehow. They get super excited about whatever celebration their family has planned, and the expectations can become enormous. Sometimes, a small thing will go wrong, and they’ll blow up and meltdown because they had such high hope of the perfect day.
With our birthday week upon us, we have decided to celebrate. We are where we are in life, and we have done our best along the way with no regrets. We will have a no-pressure celebration and enjoy the fact that we are aging, hopefully gracefully, together.

By Donna Shea and Nadine Briggs

Most adults would fill in that blank with “so.” “Because I said so” is a phrase that kids hear pretty frequently. In my experience, when I am in the “because I said so” mode with kids, they either ignore my request in its demand form or increase the times they push up against that “so” and behavior increases rather than decreases.

Children are a pretty savvy group of people these days. If you think about it, it’s a good thing not to be a blind follower of what someone tells you to do. But how are we, as parents or adults who work with kids, get them to follow the rules or do as we ask?

It occurred to me one day running a group that maybe kids would do better if I explained the reasoning behind the request or the demand I was making. As an example, my group room has a slippery laminate floor, so we have a rule about not running and sliding in stockinged feet. Over and over, my staff and I found ourselves being on kids for doing precisely what we asked them not to do. “Because I said so” wasn’t working. I sat them all down, and I said that I wanted to try something different. I explained that I realized that many times, grownups said, “because I said so” about something and never told kids why. I noted that grown-ups don’t make up rules to be mean or to stop kids from having fun. So I said from now on, I would tell them “why” I had a specific rule or made a particular request.

In the example above, I told the kids that the rule about not sliding around in their stockinged feet was first and foremost to keep them safe from falling and hurting themselves on a hard and unforgiving surface. The second was to keep the walls of our group room from getting damaged. It happened three times when sliding feet turned into knees through the wall. I keep one of those holes unrepaired and covered by a bookshelf as an example of the “why” I have that rule, and I show it to kids who need to see it to understand.

I promised the kids that from now on, I would work hard to say “because I said and why” instead of “because I said so” and that they were allowed to ask me “why” if I should forget. One of the boys breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Miss Donna, why can’t all adults do that?” Well, maybe this idea might catch on, and this guy’s wish will come true. It only takes a minute to give a child a “why.”

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

January is a time for resolutions and promises of fresh starts in the new year. It can also be a great time to let go of grudges from the past. For some people, forgiving is easy. As soon as they realize that someone is genuinely sorry, or even before an apology comes, they are ready to forgive and move on. But other people hang onto grudges, and some also are proud of how deep their grudge is and how long they’ve held onto it. Grudges are not something to be proud of and should be smudged out of your conscious whenever possible.

For the people we social coach, grudges are common, and forgiveness can be difficult. For those who have social challenges, it’s even possible that they are holding a grudge for something that they misperceived. Kids who work so hard to get friends will cut them loose at the smallest infraction. However, if the scenario flips, those same people want forgiveness from others. They don’t see the hypocrisy in that, though, even when it’s pointed out to them.

Sometimes people hold onto family grudges. If a family repeatedly brings up a past grievance, kids will take on that grievance even if there was resolution long ago, or if they have no memory of what happened.

Holding onto grievances can be a substantial social barrier, and it’s essential to learn how to let go. Our favorite way of letting go is to do a grudge smudge. A grudge smudge is a simple task of writing down the grudge on a piece of paper or card stock and shredding it. If done by hand, card stock is more satisfying. I use a hand crank shredder to get the job done. Once the grudge is smudged, that means no more revisiting that grudge. Shredding it symbolizes being completely done with it, and it’s cleansing to release all that negativity.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

It’s a high-anxiety time of year for kids. Let’s think about it from their standpoint. Many of them are being watched by an Elf on the Shelf who reports back to Santa. Some kids may be receiving threats from parents that if they don’t behave, Santa won’t bring them anything but coal for their stocking. Santa’s naughty or nice list is VERY real for children whose families have Santa as part of their season.

Over the last two weeks, the kids in social groups have demonstrated that anxiety through INCREASED behavior manifestations, not less. Anxiety in children exacerbates irritability, moodiness, defiance, and the ability to self-regulate. Kids who already struggle with self-regulation are finding it nearly impossible. Besides excitement, there is a great deal of fear. The fear creates increased “naughtiness.” Kids become even more anxious that they won’t make the cut on Santa’s list, and their perceived misbehavior continues at a higher rate. It’s a vicious cycle.

What to do? I tell the kids that effort is all that Santa is really looking for. If you try your best and make mistakes, Santa understands that. You can help decrease a child’s anxiety around this by praising their efforts. Maybe have the Elf-on-the-Shelf leave stickers that say “great effort” or “I know that you are trying!” While I wish that Santa was unconditional, the story surrounding how he watches for naughty and nice is part of the picture. Let’s have Santa also watch for effort and give our little people a chance to relax a little more around this time of year.

We both wish you and your families a joyful, peaceful, and wonderful holiday season.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Within our families and friend groups, various needs pop up for different people. It can feel a bit like playing “whack-a-mole” as we do our best to give everyone what they need. Sometimes some situations need your attention no matter what everyone else is asking from you.

Recently, my (Nadine’s) circle has been struck with several cancer diagnoses. From ages 15 – 60 years old, so it has run the gamut from “likely curable with treatment” to “get your affairs in order.” Speaking as someone whose own family has dealt with cancer for many years, here are some tips on what to do from my perspective. The level and type of support will vary somewhat depending on how close you are to the person struggling, so please consider that as you review the list.

Don’t forget the caregiver – the person who has the diagnosis is undoubtedly scared and needs support, but so does the caregiver. That person is equally afraid but has to put on a brave face for their loved one. They sometimes handle all the appointments, insurance, medication refills, and disbursement, and they are the ones who are there during the patient’s darkest moments. Care for them – they need you even when they say they don’t (which they will).

Pop Over with a Gift Bag – the fact that you are thinking of them during a trying time can give them the support they need to feel like they will be okay. For the teen, a journal to write down her thoughts and things that she is grateful for during her treatment. A bag of knitting supplies for the friend who is going to be recovering after surgery. For the dear friend who’s husband is terminal, a bracelet that says “just breathe” and little note cards sent randomly to brighten her day. Cash and gift cards are also super helpful. Daily treatments mean daily parking fees.

Understanding – they might not be able to do the same things they used to do. The person who has slowed down by the fight needs to know that your friendship will be solid no matter what he or she can do.

Don’t ignore it – ignoring that your friend’s diagnosis with cancer shows your level of discomfort with them. The person fighting cancer is not able to ignore its reality, and you might find that he or she might even mention it around you to show you it is okay to discuss it. If he or she feels that you are uncomfortable around them, they might not want to spend as much time with you. He or she will not want to make you uncomfortable.

Please, please, please, no pity – pity is the worst. Seriously, do not pity anyone. Ever.

Randomly text them – if you don’t know what to say, text that you are thinking of them, text something funny you found on Facebook, or just a heart emoji.

Don’t add to their stress – sometimes people do this without meaning to, but some people tend to think more about themselves than others. Don’t be that person. Their experience isn’t about you.

The bottom line is to be there unconditionally no matter what else is going on in your own life.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

This is a true story about flexible thinking, a skill that is one of the hardest ones for many of the kids at our centers. It can be difficult for adults, too. Back on November 29th, the day after Thanksgiving, I (Donna) and my significant other Mike had made some plans. The plan included dropping off a vehicle that we use as an extra family “rental” car because there were problems with the brakes, even after my son had replaced them. It also needed a safety inspection sticker, and the emergency brake wasn’t working either. We found a Midas Muffler near where we also wanted to go hiking that day while they were working on the car. We had, what we thought, as a solid plan for the day.

We picked up the vehicle as scheduled, and drove it around the corner to the car wash for a wash and a vacuum. The car had no gas in it, and we discovered four pretty much flat tires. We found that the air pump at the car wash had something jammed in it so that we couldn’t fill them there. I knew there was a gas station not that far away, so we went there to put fuel in the tank and air in the tires. Mike was driving the vehicle that needed repair, and I was following him around in our car. He was pushing the brake pedal to the floor and praying each time that he would be able to stop.

We got to Midas Muffler only to find that it closed. Now, that was disappointing, as their website had allowed me to schedule an appointment. There was a sign on the door saying they were closed for the holiday. We just looked at each other and said, okay, what do we do next? Mike wondered aloud if putting some brake fluid in might help and there was an Autozone right there. So we drove to that parking lot. Just for fun, Mike checked all the fluids to find that that the car was running on empty, everything empty.  So we went into Autozone every kind of liquid the car could take. Still no luck with the brakes, and he was not wanting to keep driving it if we didn’t have to.

The next idea was a Chevy dealership that was close by. We pulled in there and asked if they could help. They said, sure. We can take it in next Wednesday. We were like, um, nope, but thanks anyway. So now what? By this time, we figured that our hiking plan was off the table.

Mike mentioned that we had passed a Munroe Muffler on our travels that were open, so we gingerly drove the vehicle there. They were very accommodating and happy to take a look at it. Even though it was 1:00 in the afternoon by then, we decided to go off and do the hike we had planned since were still weren’t that far away. It ended up being a beautiful day for it.

Once back at Munroe Muffler, we discovered they didn’t bleed the brake lines as planned as they were afraid it would cause to much pressure and other parts to break. We were told that the emergency brake system was non-existent. It is still a mystery as to what happened, and no one is talking. We thanked them and then decided that the ever-evolving plan now included taking the car home, having a nightcap, and dealing with it by taking it to the local mechanic up the street on Monday. On Monday, we had over 2 feet of snow here, so the car didn’t move until Wednesday, where it still sits as of this writing the mechanic’s shop, and I wait for word.

So why tell this story? Because over the course of the day, and many times in our day-to-day lives, Mike and I work with what we call the ever-evolving plan. It is what we call it when we need to use our most flexible thinking, but curveballs and roadblocks can somedays come non-stop. It also helps us shift our thinking from being stuck and frustrated to adapting and moving forward to another step. It is a lot better to laugh together over all the changes in plan than to get angry and upset, which solves nothing.

This type of flexible thinking is challenging for some people. Many of the children who come to our centers struggle significantly in this area. Once the first need to adapt shows up, some people may give up and shut down.  It is also a hard concept to teach, but stories like this can be a tool. You can also try books where kids need to make different choices along the way to adapt to the story and change the outcome. When kids can learn life itself is an ever-evolving plan, we can give them the tools they need to adapt and overcome those abrupt or frustrating changes of plans.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

It’s holiday gift giving time! We have some favorite games that we play at our social skills centers that are fun to play but they also work on friendship skills. Here are some of our favorites and why we like them.

1. SUPERFIGHT (https://amzn.to/34IDQbF)

Product Description: SUPERHEROES IN SUPER FIGHTS. Who would win: Abraham Lincoln with laser eyes or a velociraptor armed that can use the force? SUPERFIGHT is a classic party game from Skybound Games where you argue with your friends over RIDICULOUS fights between RIDICULOUS characters armed with RIDICULOUS attributes. It is up to the players to argue and plead their cases about why their fighters would beat the other!

Why we like it: This game uses a lot of imagination and it creates a fun scenario where kids essentially argue their point. It’s a great game to teach respectful disagreements and when to relinquish and acknowledge when you have lost a verbal spat.

2. Charades for Kids (https://amzn.to/2Rdwucw)

Product Description: The classic game of Charades – now designed especially for kids to play and enjoy! With three levels of clues, each card has one pictured clue, so no reading is required (although the combination of the picture and its corresponding word reinforces early reading skills). Younger players can act out a toothbrush, a cat or a bumblebee. Older children can read the simple words and phrases and act out actions like eating spaghetti or playing guitar! It’s great fun for the whole family as they try to guess the charade before time runs out!

Why We Like It: Reading body language is a critical part of socialization. When playing this game we encourage the players to focus on the facial expression to elicit the right emotion for the situation. We usually omit use of the timer since it can bring on stress when we are looking to have fun and, in our opinion, a timer does not add to the game’s enjoyment.

3. Crappy Birthday (https://amzn.to/2Rdx89W)

Product Description: Crappy Birthday is the hilarious game of giving bad gifts. The goal is to choose the worst gift for each player. Just looking at the pictures will make you laugh, but it is the ensuing banter that makes this game a winner. You have gotten ugly socks for your birthday before, Crappy Birthday lets you return the favor. Giving bad gifts has never been so much fun. There is also a similar game called Happy Birthday.

Why We Like It: Games that ask players to think about what the preferences or dislikes are of others help with developing perspective taking. This game also teaches kids to not take things too seriously.

4. Cockroach Poker (https://amzn.to/2LfnMGQ)

Product Description: Can you keep a poker face and bluff your way to victory Eight types of creepy critters are depicted on the COCKROACH poker cards, your job isn’t to win, simply to make sure that you don’t lose! Players take it in turns to pass a Card, face down to one of their opponents and say out load what’s on the card. They might bluff, or they might be telling the truth… Is it a rat Or is it really a stink bug The recipient can either accept the card, saying if they think the player is telling the truth or bluffing… Or they can peek at the card and pass it on… If you’re caught bluffing, or you call bluff incorrectly, you keep the card face up in front of you. As soon as one player has four of the same critter cards in front of them, or when a player has no cards left to pass, they lose – and everyone else wins! Watch your opponents carefully for signs of shifty behaviour and concentrate as you follow the critters between players…

Why We Like It: Players read facial expressions to determine if someone is bluffing. Kids in our social groups really get into the spirit of this game. They say things like “enjoy this stinkiest of all stink bugs!”

5. Bubble Talk (https://amzn.to/37X2p6N)

Product Description: Bubble Talk is a new fast-paced family board game that asks players to match hilarious captions with funny pictures. A game that is as much fun if you are 8 or 80. The game begins when each player draws seven random caption cards. The judge for that round draws a picture card and players must quickly try to mat ch the funniest caption they have to the picture. The player who makes the judge laugh the most wins that round. Each round provides comical, clever and creative results, guaranteed to keep everyone in the group laughing. Perfect for a small group of three or as many as eight players. Each game includes 150 picture cards (4″x 6″) and 300 hilarious caption cards that allow for hours of game play. So let’s get started!

Why We Like It: The kids absolutely love this game. It always generates peals of laughter. The game has photos of rather odd scenarios with a wide variety of captions that may go with the images. Kids will practice respecting the opinion of peers as the “it” for the round chooses the caption that they think fits the image best. Some of the captions may be a bit “edgy” for younger kids so we simply remove those from the game.

Any game that brings people together, gets a few laughs and doesn’t need batteries or charging is a great gift this holiday season. Enjoy and happy holidays!

Note: Links include affiliate codes which could put a few extra pennies in our pockets.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Both of us are veterans of stressful family gatherings. I (Donna) can tell you that I never attended a family gathering that looked like the one in the picture. It was always a dream, but never the reality.

Relatives in large groups can be a lot of fun, but can also easily overwhelm your child’s social skills abilities. Kids who become stressed by changes in routine, noise, smells, and their emotions more easily overcome extra demands. They may implode and be clingy and shy, or they may explode, and behaviors may escalate.

Prior proper planning can help alleviate stress — preview with your child who will be there and what they may expect. In my family, one my side, we tend to do holidays in an express-like fashion. We eat, we visit, and we call it an early night. On my boys’ dad’s side, it was an event that extended long into the evening with board games. Neither of my ADHD/Anxious/Sensory sons did well with long family events. One way we helped them was for each of us to take a car. That way, when the boys had enough, the one who’s family it wasn’t could take them home. Fortunately, they are both in their 30’s now and can drive themselves home!

Another way you can plan is to remember to bring any specific food requirements your child may have. They may need particular snacks to help them on a long drive. Bring a bottle of ketchup if your kid puts it on their turkey with you just in case your host doesn’t have any or if the bottle that grandma has expired in 2016 (believe me, this ruined a Thanksgiving one year, and I felt so badly for my kid). Hey, and if your child only wants to eat the dinner rolls, relax, it’s just a holiday.

Now might be a good time to pack a calming kit (we talk about this in our I Feel Worried book) with items that help soothe your child. A scented pillow, a favorite stuffy, coloring materials, gum, squeeze ball, are all ideas to add. You might also want to consider picking up a new toy (for example, a small Lego kit) as a different item to keep your child busy if there is a long wait for dinner. There is also nothing wrong with allowing a little screen time in a quiet area if your child needs it to regulate.

You might also consider positive behavior reinforcement with a small point system or token jar to help your child stay focused and on track — layout your expectations. For example, 1. Use your manners. 2. No going under the table, 3. Hands to yourself, 4. etc. I suggest no more than four. Then, tally up the points at the end of the day and have a small prize when they earn all the points. Please do not make hugging or kissing mostly-unknown relatives an expectation. Allow your child to wave or offer a high-five instead.

So what do you do if your child does lose it or starts to misbehave? Do what you would do at home. Take them to a quiet spot away from prying eyes. Allow a break in the action. We have to beware that we don’t behave more harshly towards our kids who struggle because we feel we are being watched and judged.

And sometimes, being judgy is the case with family members. I can’t tell you how many times we as parents of these guys hear, “if you would just ________” he wouldn’t behave that way anymore. Or, the other one, “if he were my kid, I would _________.” Well, he isn’t your kid. The best response that I have come up with for relatives who only see your child in snippets is to thank them for their experience and input, and then do what you know is right for your child. You are the expert on what your child needs. Stay true as their social coach during these significant social events, and you will both make it through the turkey dinner!

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
The release of our latest book, Bully Busting and Managing Meanies: Tip for Kids on Managing Conflict, prompted me to think back on my relationships in high school. I was not in the most nor the least popular group in high school but I believe I was liked by most people. I played sports and was in the band and definitely excelled more musically than athletically. At 5’ 8”, everyone told me that I should play basketball so I did. I also quickly learned that being tall was not an athletic skill. The band people were my people and I had decent enough skills to make playing music fun for me. I had a great group of close friends. There were around 6 of us that hung out with a few extras that joined us from time to time. Being part of this group provided me social contentment and I still keep in touch with nearly all them to this day.

I had a male bully in high school. I have chosen not recall the things he did to me but it was verbal abuse, not physical. I do recall, though, a fear that he would physically hurt me. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I saw him since I never knew when he would verbally attack. His hatred for me always baffled me. I did not have classes with him and I don’t recall ever really interacting with him at all prior to the bullying. The solid friend group that I was fortunate enough to have, bolstered by confidence and lessened his impact on me. I don’t recall how long the bullying went on but I do know how it stopped. I was 16 and had a boyfriend for the first time. The guy that I dated in high school just so happened to be a wrestler and martial arts black belt who played football. He was a big guy for high school and much bigger and more muscular than my bully. It saddens me that it was another’s brawn that stopped this kid from hassling me. As someone who is certified in bullying prevention, I would have preferred that my bully saw the light or the error of his way but my gut tells me that that never happened. I don’t know who he went on to become and I don’t know if he ever thinks back about how he bullied me in high school. Perhaps hating me was too insignificant to him. It doesn’t matter to me now but I am confident that he would have been more ingrained in my memory if I did not have the unconditional acceptance of my friends. Their opinion mattered more than his and it is them who I focused on at that time. It shows that bullies won’t have the impact that they are hoping to have if the victim has a solid friend group supporting them. All these years later, his insignificance is my triumph.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Today is World Kindness Day. It is also Red Sweater Day in honor of Mr. Rogers, one of the kindest and most genuine people to have existed in our world. I went out and found one just to be able to wear it today. To make a kindness statement – that I am a believer that kindness counts and manners matter.

It can easy to lose our kindness. There have been several things going on behind the scenes in my life that tear at that kindness. There are times when I hurt, am angry, and just want to hurt back. It doesn’t work though. It only increases the hurt and anger from all directions. Never has it ever decreased negative feelings or solved a problem. We can grow bitter and vengeful over what other people do to us, or we can choose to accept that the only thing we have control over is our own response to it. Sometimes we even have to accept the hurt. But when we do that, and we give kindness in return, there is a much better chance of eventually rectifying the situation.

Anger can be an easy road to follow. Kindness, in the face of hurtfulness, is a harder choice to make. But one that ultimately makes me feel better on the inside. And when we put kindness into the world, it is my belief that we receive kindness in return.

Be kind today, even if you don’t want to. It feels so much better.