By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

We (Donna and Nadine) were emailing back and forth this week, just checking in on each other during these strange and, honestly, unpleasant times. As we watch the news, miss being with and hugging the people we love, or are simply yearning for our previous lives to be back to normal, it can feel that on many days, there is little to feel good about. And there are times when we should and will feel sadness. Expressing sadness is healthy. Staying stuck there is not.

But there is still reason to celebrate life. Really. It’s in the little good nuggets that each day still brings. Whether it’s playing Old Maid with your 4-year-old grandson, getting to visit with a relative or friend (albeit from a safe distance), having a Zoom Tiki Party with good friends on a Saturday night, or baking up your favorite cookies, there is still joy to be experienced. Human beings are adaptive and creative. We can create joy.

We have mentioned before that a positive psychology exercise for feeling more optimistic is to look for three good things that happen in your day (kids can do this too), write them down, and write down why they made you feel good. It’s the “why” that creates the energy that turns into feeling more optimistic.

As Thanksgiving approaches, you and your family could create a Thankful Jar. Beginning on November 1st, everyone puts a slip of paper in the jar with something they are grateful for, and during Thanksgiving dessert, read them aloud together.

Pan for gold and bombard your brain with the good stuff. Every positive in the day is a nugget to shine up and put in your pocket. Pretty soon, there will be a whole bagful of shiny golden nuggets.

 

 

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Social coaching is about observing the obstacles that are getting in the way of a child or teen, and depending on the nature of the child or teen, directly or indirectly pointing out what we see happening, and offering up some food for thought.

Here are some actual instances this past week where food for thought was needed:

• A child who was repeating the word suicide and thinking it was funny, or trying to shock everyone. The food for thought there was to think about the possibility that someone in the group had lost someone they loved to suicide, and how funny would it seem to that person. It would not. It would be extremely hurtful.
• One of my male teens deliberately inserted himself into a conflict that was occurring between four girls. His food for thought was why he felt the need to do that. Was it just for the thrill of being involved in the conflict or enjoyment of the drama? Was he trying to help? Was it a good idea to get involved?
• And, the conflict that he was involved in? One of the girls was playing with a large exercise ball and refusing to kick it around and share it with the other girls. It developed into the girls trying to get the ball from her, arguing with her, and then ultimately excluding her from the group. Her food for thought? Was it worth having her own way to the detriment of having a relationship or friendship with the other girls? When the group started, they were all nicely interacting together. Does getting your own way (and being inflexible about it) overrule the desire or need for positive relationships?

Social coaching involves asking these questions and letting the child or teen do some thinking. Many times, once they have a chance to reflect for a few minutes, you will see the child or teen moving in a more positive direction. Other times, they stand by the negative choice. In those instances, the food for thought is that they have chosen the consequence of their choice, will need to live with the outcomes, and only they have control over whether or not they want to try a different dish at another time in the future.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Fall is a great time of year to socialize outdoors. The weather is cooler and the scenery gets that amazing boost of color, especially here in New England where we are. Here is a list of outdoor social activities you can do with friends that allow the recommended physical distancing and mask-wearing to remain safe during COVID.

1. Apple picking – many apple picking farms offer hayrides and general stores with baked goods for sale. Bring chairs or blankets so you can relax with friends at a safe distance.
2. Pumpkin carving contest – most apple picking farms also sell pumpkins. Grab a pumpkin and hang out outside while each friend carves an interesting creation. Consider a prize for the best one (maybe a pumpkin pie!)
3. Hiking – the popularity of hiking seems to be on the rise and it’s no wonder. Hikers can wear masks or stay a safe distance apart while enjoying the incredible fall scenery. Check websites for the difficulty level of the hike so you choose one that fits your experience and be sure to bring water, snacks, and a bag to bring any debris off the mountain or trail with you. Footwear appropriate for hiking is key as well as perhaps layered clothing depending on how high an elevation you’re exploring.
4. Kindness rocks – grab some acrylic paints and rocks to decorate and have a driveway painting session. You can then disperse your inspirational rocks for others to find on popular walking trails.
5. Nature scavenger hunts – Create a list of potential things that you might find on a hike like a heart-shaped rock or a bright red leaf and have the hunters either take pictures of their findings or collect them to bring back to the group. This provides exercise with a purpose!

Outdoor activities not only allow for fun and safe socialization but also exercise and time away from screens. A little outdoor time can be relaxing as well as rejuvenating so grab those hiking boots and enjoy fall.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

My (Donna’s) nuclear family crew have historically not been the greatest of communicators, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings. We have agreed to, and have been actively working on this as a family, and seeing some nice improvements. Even as grown adults, we can all still work to improve in the areas that are troublesome. For us, it includes fully listening, clarification on what we hear, and clearness in the messages we send and speak.

One important rule that we follow, and that I teach to parents and educators, is to make sure that we are addressing the action or the problem to be solved, and not attacking the person. Examples sound like:

• You’re just lazy, versus, I’m frustrated that the trash wasn’t taken out.
• You don’t ever listen to me, versus, I really would like to finish what I am saying.
• You just don’t care about anyone else, versus, I need to feel as though what I say or think matters.

When we address the action and not attack the person, we have a much greater chance of better communication, getting our needs met, and the lessening of conflicts. Try the “I” statement rather than the “You” accusation language and see what happens in your interactions.

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

The return to school in the fall of 2020 is so incredibly challenging for all involved. Never have we needed more compassion and understanding of other than we do right now. Administrators have been meeting and working all summer to develop the best options for families to return to school (even if you don’t agree with what they’ve done), teachers are doing their best to meet the unique demands of this time, and parents have had to make challenging decisions based on their personal views and what they feel is best for their families. Students were/are anxious about all of it and how it will be for them this year and are (hopefully) somewhat prepared for whatever is to come. This year will bring forced lessons of flexibility, resiliency and cooperation. We have no choice but to try to make the best of a bad situation.
Those who communicate the best with one another will likely manage it best. Calm, thoughtful conversations to express feelings can go a long way toward preventing meltdowns. When feelings and thoughts stay bottled up without release, that’s when explosive outbursts are mostly likely to happen. Even if kids share their feelings by shouting, as adults we can respond with compassion.
We wish it were different. We wish that all kids had to worry about was how to find homeroom or the first day of school outfit. But they are worried about how to talk to their friends, how to do well academically and socially during this strange time. They are worried about how to stay safe and not catch or spread the virus. They might feel that they are being graded unfairly due to technical difficulties. They might feel isolated and sad. All of this is seriously big stuff for a kid. It’s big stuff for us adults!
If children can release those feelings knowing that they will get understanding and compassion in return, they might just feel like they can do this very hard thing in this time. As adults we need to be able to take the weight of their worries and help them carry this shared burden.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Friendships don’t just happen. Well, maybe there is that occasional friendship at first sight. And even then, in order for that friendship to grow and continue, there has to be an effort. When kids are little, parents make the effort for them by scheduling playdates or befriending other moms. As kids grow, we should be teaching kids how to take over the reins of their friendships.

What should kids know about attaining, maintaining, and sustaining friendships?

1. In order to have a friend, you need to be friendly. A person who seems unapproachable will seldom be approached.
2. Make the first move. Throw out a non-commital friendship feeler. Something such as, “Hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” or “Do you like to swim? I’d like to have you over to my pool one of these days.” Gauge the reaction. A positive one means that the next step is to follow up with an actual invitation. A lukewarm or negative one means that they aren’t interested at this time and to throw that feeler out to someone else. Keep working. Keep throwing. It will eventually catch.
3. Keep scheduled playdates as much as a priority as a doctor’s appointment.
4. If a friend cancels plans, it is then up to them to re-schedule. You may want to make a 2-strike rule, but a friend who cancels more than twice without re-scheduling is not behaving like a friend.
5. There should be a balance of power in friendships. Both kids should have a fair shake at playing what they want to play or creating a plan for a playdate. One child should not always be giving in to another just to keep a friend. Kids can nicely but assertively speak up and say something such as, “We did what you wanted to do, so now it’s my turn to pick.” Friends who do not participate in give-and-take in a relationship are not willing to do the work of having a friend.
6. Friendship takes two, or three, or more. One person cannot be expected to carry the entire load of keeping the friendship going.

If you want something badly enough, such as having friends, you can make it happen. It doesn’t happen by sitting home and moping about not having friends. It doesn’t happen by not talking to anyone in your class. It doesn’t happen by magic. It takes work.

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

We’ve blogged many times about the reciprocal nature of friendship. As part of forming truly meaningful connections, each of us needs to decide which friendships deserve the most of our social energy. Especially during this pandemic, our energy might need to be conserved for really close friends.

For example, I (Nadine) tell kids all the time that having 100 friends would be exhausting. Trying to keep up with 100 people and to stay connected to their lives would be an impossible situation. By default, there would be those friends who get more of your attention and effort to keep in touch.

How do you decide?

1. Do they keep their commitments to you? – Less social energy should be given to those who never have time for you or who constantly cancel or even don’t reply to your attempts to connect.
2. Do they contact you or is it usually you who contacts them? – Friendships that tend to be slanted one way are not equal and might not deserve to get too much of your attention.
3. Do they check in on you when you’re having a hard time? – Definitely invest time in those who not only know what is going on your life but those who follow up with how you are doing.
4. Do they twist whatever you say to something negative? – some people will think you’re bragging when things are going well and complaining when things aren’t going so great. You can’t really “win” in this situation.
5. Do they come to you with problems but then are disinterested when you bring your problem to them? – It can feel so great to be able to help a friend who comes to you for support but if the occasion arises when you need them and they are not willing to do the same, then it might be time to shift your energy elsewhere.
6. Are they genuinely happy when good things happen to you? – It is really hard for a lot of people to be excited for others when things happen that are great for them. A true friend will be able to move beyond any envy and share in the excitement.

Friendships are so incredibly valuable. This has never been more true than it is now when our ability to socialize is being restricted. Getting together takes more planning and caution so spend that energy on those who value you as much as you value them.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Conversation skills are something that many parents ask us to work on when we are social coaching kids. The ability to initiate and sustain a conversation can prove a huge task, taking a large degree of effort, especially for kids with a known social communication difficulty. There are ways to break down a conversation into parts.

Conversations are made up of just two elements, comments and questions. So, kids need to learn to make a comment and ask a question. If you decide to practice this at home, two comments to each question is a good start, and then switch roles.

Some kids get stuck on asking questions. We can simplify this component by teaching kids that most questions in a conversation are WH questions. Who, What, When, Why, Where, Whose, Which, and How (which contains a W and an H).

A conversation practice session could go something like this:

1. Q: Who is your teacher next year? A: Mrs. Smith.
2. C: I hear she’s really nice. C: She doesn’t give a lot of homework.
3. Q: Where is your homeroom? A: On the second floor.
4. C: That must mean you are in 5th grade.
5. Q: When does school start in your town? A: September 8th.
6. C: I start on the 16th. C: It will be two days in school and three days at home.
7. Q: How do you get to school? A: I ride the bus.
8. C: My mom drives me.
9. Q: What is your favorite subject? A: Math
10. C: You must be good at math. C: I like science the best.

If your child struggles with conversation skills, have them memorize the WH questions and think of them as a tool in their communication toolbox. If they are ever in doubt during a conversation, they can enter with a WH question on the topic being discussed.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Over the last week, I’ve had a few families tell me that their child will not do anything to try to make friends. The expectation that they have for friendship is that everyone will come to them. It reminds me of a king or queen holding “court” where the townspeople present themselves with whatever they have to offer.

The motivation for this opinion is not selfish or from a feeling of being “better” than another. They lack the knowledge and confidence to seek friendship. Finding friends can seem like too much work. When socializing feels like a “grind”, it definitely doesn’t feel like fun. They also might fear rejection which can make not trying seem like the better option.

The problem with that is unless someone is hugely entertaining or if people are drawn to a person because they are so incredibly charismatic, is not likely that they will have loads of friends seeking to spend time with them. It also can be indicative of what type of friend the person will be. If they are not putting in time and effort into the friendship, then why would somebody want to be friends? Friendship is reciprocal. If they truly want friends badly enough, then they will make the commitment to do what takes to meet people at least halfway. Both parties need to be dedicated to maintaining those friendships. That requires scheduling social time together, texting to check in, following up on the important things in their life, listening to things you might not be interested in, and generally engaging in the other persons life.

Be wary of seeming like royalty holding “court” where people come to see us and “present” themselves to us. Join the townspeople, mill among the crowd (virtually) and commit to meeting potential friends halfway and let the friendships begin.