By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

There is a young girl I know who is close to my heart. She is one of the kindest young people you might ever meet. She, like me, struggles with the “why” of purposeful meanness on the part of other people. She finds herself caught up in the roar of the relational meanness that girls are so capable of and finds herself limiting her friend pool to those she feels she can trust to be real. She hates the drama, but like so many other kids her age, finds it nearly impossible to escape. Fortunately, she has a village of caring adults she can turn to, where other kids might not. I told her that both of us may never make sense of it because there is no sense TO it.

I love talking to her about life. She is so open and so accepting of everyone and everything and all heart. She turned me on to watching the Netflix series “Anne with an E” as she deeply connects with the character of Anne and how she perceives the world and all of the colorful, unique and amazing people in it. Like both this girl and me, Anne is hard on herself sometimes, but a soft place to land for her friends and the people she loves. Even though the series is a period piece, it tackles many of the issues that we humans struggle with today. She asks me, as I ask myself, “Why are people so mean? Why can’t we all just live and let live?”

I wish I had that answer for her. Don’t we all, at our core as humans want the same things for ourselves and our children? If you sat us all down as individuals, I think we would find ourselves in complete agreement. Why is it, that as groups, large or small, we turn to meanness?

I know that there is also no immediate answer to her question. But I talk to her, and I talk to other young people, and I have hope. I have hope that acceptance and kindness can become the norm. I have hope in humans that we can still evolve and learn to work together. To quote Anne, “Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.”

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

A close friend of ours is going through an extremely challenging and life-altering event. As people who have both also experienced life-altering events, we have a perspective that we are quite certain isn’t currently on the mind of our dear friend as she does her best to tackle the hurdles coming her way each day.

We can share this perspective, but it may not be truly learned and internalized until a personal tragedy shapes it in you. Sadly, not all of us will come out a stronger person when we experience a trial, but we believe that we all possess the ability to do so. So, what is the difference between a person who is shattered by life’s events versus one who becomes empowered?

We believe that everyone has the ability to find both inner peace and power within. Imagine yourself as you stand in the sand by the ocean. It where you experience both. The calm of the warm sand and the peacefulness of the sights, sounds, and smells of the beach, contrasted by the immense power of the ocean waves. They are never-ending and the power of the water is unquestionable. We all possess those traits and can access both peace and power when we have the tools to chip away at our outer layers of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Only then will these attributes be revealed. The uncovering of peace and power often happens while managing intense life challenges. When we are thrust into untenable situations,  it is then that what is within us and what we are capable of, begins to reveal itself.

Some of us will reject the experience and bury ourselves in self-pity. We become stuck in a mindset that is sad and we feel victimized by life. Finding your own inner peace and power is not for others to present to you, but a choice that only you can make. It is finding ways to find the good even though everything around you is really, really bad at that moment in time. It is focusing on being grateful for what is right, rather than feeling miserable about what is wrong. It is acknowledging that experiences are happening to you for a purpose. It is discovering how you can use the lessons you have learned through what you have lived to help others. It is being the person who now feels empowered enough to one day help other people explore that they are powerful too.  It is helping people to understand that peace does lie deep within us. It is the job of each of us to unearth it for ourselves, but it is there. Both peace and power exists within each of us – have you found yours? If yes, you understand this perspective. If no, don’t give up and give in to despair. Life hands us all events that alter us in ways that we wouldn’t choose, but we do have the power to choose how we handle them.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

What good thing happened today? That is a question that my (Donna) significant other Mike and I are working into our daily conversations. We both come home from long days of the special kind of stress that self-employment can add to life, have families that need a significant amount of support beyond the typical, and as anyone would, tend to start sharing whatever stressful moments occurred that day. It is human nature to focus on the negative.

Life hands us an equal amount of the positive if we just stop to look for it. One strategy is to stop and ask that question. What good thing or things DID happen today? Why were they good? It stops us in our tracks and starts us searching our brains for positive things to share. Maybe there was a great review of one of our books. Maybe Mike was able to save a real estate transaction by calming down a nervous buyer (he’s a home inspector). We may spend time with a grandchild, had a client express appreciation for our work, planned out our next hiking trip, or this week had furniture delivered that we have wanted for a long time.

In all honesty, I’ve had trouble finding the good stuff the last few days as everyone occasionally does. Summer at work can be tough. I have some things going on that I have felt discouraged about. I have been worried about good friends who are going through some tough times. I frequently experience anxiety about family members and finances. So, is it easy to switch your negative thoughts to positive ones? Not always. It’s the same as working out at the gym. You have to keep working your brain “muscle” to develop it into a more positive one.

Sometimes just trying to switch your thinking isn’t enough and your brain gets stuck in a negative mode. There are times when switching your actions is the key to finding the good stuff. We took our granddaughter to Harry Potter paint night. We went for a walk in a downtown area we hadn’t explored in awhile and made plans to go back. We started watching Anne with an E on Netflix. I bought fresh apple cider donuts from the farm stand near our home. Getting in the kitchen to try a new recipe always shuts down those thoughts and creates pleasant ones.

The ability to train yourself to be more optimistic and positive is researched based on the field of positive psychology. You can help children do this too. Teach kids how to go on a “good stuff hunt.” To get started, it’s as easy as looking for three good things that happen over the course of the day, why they were good, and then writing them down at night before you go to sleep. Do it with your child or children.

And if you do find yourself or a member of your family caught up in a negative spin or complaining, let them get it out and then ask, “what good thing happened today?” We know that every day is full of both. Accentuating the positive will increase well-being, decrease stress and make it easier to handle the other stuff life throws us.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
I (Nadine) had the pleasure of being part of a very exciting movement. I spent last week in Fort Worth, Texas at The World Positive Education Accelerator (WPEA) with 800 other delegates who have created plans to increase the use of positive education worldwide. The fact that there is a global effort to improve the well-being of children is beyond exciting. What is Positive Education? The definition of Positive Education as described by the World Government Summit is:

Positive Education is an approach to education that blends academic learning with character & well-being. Preparing students with life skills such as grit, optimism, resilience, growth mindset, engagement, and mindfulness amongst others. Positive education is based on the science of well-being and happiness.

(source: https://www.worldgovernmentsummit.org/api/publications/document/8f647dc4-e97c-6578-b2f8-ff0000a7ddb6)

When I read that description, my mind says “Yes! A million times, yes!” As parents, we want nothing more in life than to have happy kids. Science has proven how to do exactly that and it isn’t difficult to do. It is a focus on character strengths and a concerted effort to improve what is known as PERMA, an acronym for positive emotions, engagement, relationships, meaning, and achievement. Character strengths are comprised of 6 virtues and the strengths within each.

Wisdom and knowledge: creativity, curiosity, open-mindedness, love of learning, perspective, innovation
Courage: bravery, persistence, integrity, vitality, zest
Humanity: love, kindness, social intelligence
Justice: citizenship, fairness, leadership
Temperance: forgiveness and mercy, humility, prudence, self-control
Transcendence: appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality

When considering character strengths and the elements of PERMA, it is easy to see why we see it as a critical focus in social skills coaching. For me personally, The World Positive Education Accelerator conference was the first time that I truly felt like I was “with my people” in a professional sense. Most social skills programs and the professionals that run them do not follow what we have been studying for at least six years. In fact, while I was in Texas, most professionals who help with social skills were at an entirely different conference and one that I or Donna would ever consider attending. So why are we two of the only social coaches who use it? Because others take a clinical and treatment approach to friendship and we do not. We are happily swimming in the completely opposite direction.

The bottom line is that our children need to be okay. They are our future and they need to feel like others value them and they need to feel worthy. They need to find what can truly engage them so that when they are in that space, they have found true contentment or “flow”. They need quality relationships with people who truly care about them and are enjoyable to be with. The need to find whatever it is that will give their lives meaning. Perhaps, as is the case with us, our careers will provide meaning and others might volunteer or find another way to their purpose. If our children have all of these aspects in their lives, then they will thrive. It will show through their achievements. They will take their signature strengths and use them to the fullest. And they will be okay. They will be living their lives with contentment and well-being and they will find happiness.

Positive Education is the game changer for our children and there are 800 professionals working to spread the news to the world and I am honored to be among them.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna), spent the last week on a vacation that was predominantly centered around hiking the White Mountains in New Hampshire.

I’ve noted the camaraderie among hikers before. This time though, I really saw the kindness and connection that exists out there in the middle of nowhere. Everyone says hello to each other. People stop, wait and smile if someone is a little slower going up or down. We stop and chat to find out where other folks are headed or have come from, and share stories for a brief time before heading off again.

Hikers check on each other, offering water or snacks. I can remember a particularly tough summit where we noticed a couple of hikers waiting above, just to be sure that we were okay and going to make it to the top. We exchanged a thumbs up but didn’t get a chance to thank them. We talked to a family that was on their first big hike and answered all their questions. People gave each other the heads up about what we were running into as far as safety concerns on the trails. We were giving a hand up out of a rushing stream bed when we were soaking wet. You can trust each other out there. You can leave your pack on the trail to go off and do a short spur and find it right where you left it, untouched.

We had the pleasure of running into several through hikers who were hiking the Appalachian Trail. One was a young guy, just turned 21, from Billerica, MA, not far from us that we met in one of the high huts where shelter and food are offered and fresh water can be had. These guys operate on a pretty tight budget, so he was able to purchase food, but we could hear him talking to himself about passing on the decadent chocolate cake that was sitting on the table. We told him to go right ahead and help himself to the cake as it was on us. He joined us while we all ate and listened to some of his adventures on the trail as well as how he was getting lonely homesick and wanted to finish.

What strikes me over and over, is that there are no strangers on the trails, just fellow hikers. And then it gets me to wondering why there is a need to act like strangers anywhere. Aren’t we all fellow humans? Shouldn’t it really just be a piece of cake?

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Have you perhaps noticed that your child may be a little bit more irritable, stressed or disregulated in the last few weeks? It could very well be caused by end-of-school anxiety.

A major contributor could likely be underlying and rarely considered separation anxiety. We usually think of separation anxiety in terms of being away from parents. However, we are now asking kids to separate from their teachers, their friends and the routine that they have followed all year. Add to that, the unknown of what the new school year will bring in terms of all of these things, and you can see why kids may be feeling more antsy than usual.

Other factors that may be impacting your child include that they are likely going through or have just gone through standardized testing (in Massachusetts, we have MCAS). We should also consider the multiple disruptions of daily routines with field trips, field days, concerts, assemblies, and all of the other out-of-the-ordinary activities that make-up the month of June for many kids.

How to help your child through the last few school days?

1. Acknowledge that summer separations and all of the “last” things of the year are a little sad for everyone. Let your child talk about it if he or she is feeling anxious.
2. Counter that with explaining that it is another transition and that your child has likely already made several successful ones each new school year. Reinforce that it is okay to move on.
3. Focus on the summer ahead and talk to your child about fun summer plans.
4. Encourage your child to write a thank you note to favorite educators or classroom buddies. Your child could bring in something for kids to autograph. You might recall asking kids to sign autograph books when you were a child.

And hey, moms and dads, we know the end of the school year brings a lot of “extra” into your life too, and the lives of all of the school personnel who work with our kids each day. So if we are all a little grumpy right now, this is why. Hang in there. Before we all know it, we will be at the beach, going to camp and eating too many popsicles!

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

People who have ADHD are challenged with tasks that involve organization. The ability to perform executive function and planning tasks is handled by the prefrontal cortex in the brain which is located in the forehead area.

The prefrontal cortex is a part of the brain located at the front of the frontal lobe. It is implicated in a variety of complex behaviors, including planning, and greatly contributes to personality development. Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/prefrontal-cortex.

The bigger the organizational task, the harder it is. Those of us who don’t have this challenge can find it hard to understand why it’s so hard. We think things like “what do you mean you don’t know where to start? Just dig in!” As parents, when our children don’t complete tasks that are asked of them, we often punish and give consequences. But what if they really can’t do what is asked of them without help? The truth is people with ADHD and executive function challenges might need scaffolding in order to complete certain tasks. Getting frustrated and angry with them will not only not be helpful but it will likely increase anxiety and make the task initiation and completion even more difficult.

When my (Nadine) son came home from finishing his freshman year of college, he brought home all of his “stuff”. Suitcases, boxes, books, literally loads of stuff that covered his bedroom floor. It was a ridiculous amount considering the small size of his dorm room. He was home for a week living with this mess when he sent a picture of his floor to his friend on SnapChat with the caption “I’m not exactly good at unpacking” to which he got the response from his friend, Morgan, “How about I come over tomorrow night and help you unpack?” Well now, isn’t that an offer not to be refused? Morgan generously loaned out her prefrontal cortex that night. She helped him unpack, get organized and made his room much more livable. People who live with executive function challenges need the kindness of people like Morgan.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

There are times in all friendships when “icky” moments occur. There are times in business relationships when “icky” moments occur too. The potential for “ick” doubles when you are both best friends and business colleagues like Donna and Nadine. We also own two nearly identical social skills centers that serve the same clientele.

Friendship and business rarely mix well. Friendship and, what could be seen as competing businesses, would be nearly impossible, right? Not if you practice what you teach. While this post isn’t our customary one about helping kids, it is one about social skills, communication skills and problem-solving in general. It is also about the importance of friendship and close relationships.

So, how do we manage to stay friends and be in business together AND separately? By recognizing and addressing the unique pitfalls that we may be subject to and pro-actively practicing “ick” prevention.

For example, while our centers are somewhat of a distance apart and we draw from different service areas, there are some towns in-between us that give parents both of our centers as an option. That’s no biggie. If a parent chooses to visit both of us and then decide which location and available group best suits their needs and schedule, we just know that’s how the chips fall and it’s not an issue. We run the same program that we’ve worked together to hone over the years, with slight differences in delivery. (For those of you who are thinking, “why don’t they just work in one center together?” while many of our ideas, interests, and programs are the same, our individual preferences for business models is different.)

Where an occasional “ick” has shown up is when a family attempts to jump from one center over to the other without us directly referring them (sometimes this happens because one of us has a better fit for a particular child). Sure, neither Nadine and I (or our staff members) can be everyone’s cup of tea. This is where our friendship runs the business. We are not going to risk our friendship and all that we have built together over a client that wants to jump ship from one to the other. This can happen either directly or by not telling us and then somehow we discover that one of our clients has mysteriously shown up in the other’s groups when we do a mutual event, etc.

We prevent this particular “ick” by having as our policy to ask straight out if an interested family is currently involved or enrolled in the past with the other one’s center. If that is the case, we either refer them back to resolve what needs to be resolved at the other center, or provide resources for other social skills programs. We do not take each other’s clients. It prevents hurt feelings and damage to our friendship. Sometimes a potential client consciously chooses not to disclose this information.  We can’t know that this has happened due to our adherence to client confidentiality. It still feels “icky” if a client’s non-disclosure somehow comes to light, and it’s just something we know happens beyond the scope of what we have control over. For us, it’s not worth us allowing these rare instances to crack our friendship and business code.