By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

The holiday season is a time to celebrate and spend time with family and friends. For those who celebrate Christmas and Hanukah, it’s also a gift-giving season. The holidays can bring out the “gimmes” in some children. With a focus on gift giving, kids are asked “what do you want for the holidays?” and “what do you hope to get for Christmas/Hannakah this year?” Society as a whole is focused on shopping and acquiring the right gifts for everyone on their list. Kids can barely sleep on Christmas Eve as they think about the excitement of waking up to a load of gifts under their trees. We all tend to get a bit “wrapped up” (pun intended!).

So how do parents slide the scale from the gimmes to the gives? Here are some tips:

1. Focus on gratitude – people who take the time to reflect on all that they have to be grateful for tend to be more optimistic and happy. Gratitude jars, listing 3 good things and why each day and gratitude journals are all ways to stay focused on the good things kids already have in their lives and not just on the toys and games that kids want.
2. Play imagine if… – ask kids to truly imagine what would it be like to not have enough to eat or proper clothes for the weather or a place to live. Some kids might not realize that there are people who are homeless or who live in shelters. Helping out at a charity is a great way to show them the benefits of altruism for everyone. Those whom they help will be better off and the helpers get a mood booster too.
3. Toy drives – encourage your child to include a list of toys and games to donate to a toy drive. Ask
   

   Photo and scarf bomb credit: Val Overton-Moore

   them to help out around the house to earn money to those toys and have them physically walk in to drop the toys in at the drive.

4. Random acts of kindness – many of you might have seen Donna’s video to share a smile. Think about what type of random act of kindness your child could do. Several websites create monthly calendars with ideas for acts of kindness.
5. Secret Santa – have your child make a gift or an ornament and leave it in someone’s mailbox. I belong to a Facebook group where one woman “scarf bombed” a church and a homeless shelter. She made each scarf by hand and left a note on each one that the finder of the scarf was welcome to take it. I can only imagine how excited she felt to leave those precious handmade gifts for strangers to enjoy.

This holiday season, we hope that your children can take a moment to think of someone less fortunate and get the happiness boost that comes when the “gimmes” turn into the “givees”.

 

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

This is a re-posting from a blog we wrote last December. 

Tis the season, and for those families who celebrate Christmas, there is the expectation for kids to be good all year. If not, the presents due to arrive under the Christmas tree might be jeopardy. Yikes! We will confess that there is no way, even as adults, that we can or will be “good” all year. We’re not even sure what being “good all year” even means. Let’s just put us on the naughty list now, since we most certainly deserve it.

We both admit to having seriously not nice thoughts while shopping in the grocery store. Nadine sometimes avoids taking the dog out and makes her husband do it, especially when it’s cold. She gets angry when her teenage son won’t get out of bed for school. Donna gets cranky and impatient when she is tired or overwhelmed. Sometimes she’s just cranky and impatient for no reason at all.

Does your child know what being good means for them? In a frustrated moment, most of us have told our kids that they “better watch out!” The holidays are a magical time regardless of which religious traditions you celebrate. Having to “be good” for a whole year is a really huge and impossible expectation. Maybe we should change the wording a bit or at the very least define what we mean. How about:

Did you try to be as kind as you could and use your manners with people this year?
Did you sincerely apologize when you made mistakes?
Did you try to be as honest as possible?
Did you offer to help others who needed you?
Were you as loving as you are capable of being?

For kids who are literal thinkers, how about we help them to understand that Santa just wants you to do your best. He doesn’t require perfectionism and he is very forgiving if you mess up and do something “naughty.” Let kids know that even Santa makes mistakes, as do adults. Christmas is a time to remember that no matter what we do or who we are, doing our best will always be enough.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

In our work as social coaches, we offer a huge variety of toys and games for the kids to play with to keep things interesting and create a fun environment. All toys and games have a social element to them where we encourage sharing and good sportsmanship but we have a few favorites that we use with a purpose. Here is our list and why you may want to add them to your holiday shopping list this season.

(Click title or image to purchase)

1) Whoonu by Cranium

Product Description: The “what’s your favorite” thing game. You’re sure to have unforgettable fun as you reveal your favorite things, share hilarious stories, and bond over surprising connections. You’ll be amazed at what you’ll learn about your friends and family — especially those you think you know best! Whoonu is easy to learn and quick to play, so it’s the perfect game for any occasion. And best of all, it’s just as fun to play with people you’ve known for 5 minutes as it is with people you’ve known forever! The game includes 300 game cards, 36 scoring tokens, and a secret envelope. The game takes approximately 15 minutes to play. For 3 to 6 players.

Why We Like It: This game is designed so that players rank the favorite things of other players. It is a great way to get kids to think about what others are thinking (perspective taking). If kids know each other well, they will likely do well in the game and if they aren’t familiar with one another, they will have a better understanding of likes and dislikes after playing this game.

2) Bubble Talk

Product Description: Bubble Talk is a new fast-paced family board game that asks players to match hilarious captions with funny pictures. A game that is as much fun if you are 8 or 80. The game begins when each player draws seven random caption cards. The judge for that round draws a picture card and players must quickly try to match the funniest caption they have to the picture. The player who makes the judge laugh the most wins that round. Each round provides comical, clever and creative results, guaranteed to keep everyone in the group laughing. Perfect for a small group of three or as many as eight players. Each game includes 150 picture cards (4″x 6″) and 300 hilarious caption cards that allow for hours of gameplay. So let’s get started!

Why We Like It: The kids absolutely love this game. It always generates peals of laughter. The game has photos of rather odd scenarios with a wide variety of captions that may go with the images. Kids will practice respecting the opinion of peers as the “it” for the round chooses the caption that they think fits the image best. Some of the captions may be a bit “edgy” for younger kids so we simply remove those from the game.

3) Apples to Apples

Product Description: The name of the game is a play on the phrase “apples to oranges,” and the game is about making comparisons between different things. General gameplay is as follows: players are dealt red cards which have a noun printed on them, and the judge (a different player in each turn) draws a green card on which an adjective is printed and places it for all players to see. Each player then chooses a red card they are holding that they think best describes the green card. The judge then decides which adjective she likes best.

Why We Like It: This game is a classic and is just like Bubble Talk only with words.

4) Boochie Ball

Product Description: Get ready for this all-new action-packed family game that will have you tossing, kicking, bowling, and throwing like never before! First, toss out the soft foam Boochie target and then try to land your ball and hoop as close to it as possible. Keep score on a special wrist tracker that gives you a different outrageous throwing challenge every round. You may have to toss between your legs, behind your back, or even with your eyes closed! The player with the most points wins. Play Boochie… Have a ball! 2-4 players. Playing time about 15 minutes. Contents: 4 toss rings, 4 beanballs, 4 wrist trackers, 1 12-sided Boochie Ball, Vinyl Travel bag. AWARDS: Oppenheim Toy Portfolio Gold Award, iParenting Media Award, National Parenting Center Seal of Approval, Major Fun Award, Parents’ Choice Silver Honor, Dr. Toy’s Best Product Award Winner, Creative Child Magazine Game of the Year, National Parenting Publications (NAPPA) Gold Award.

Why We Like It:  Boochie Ball requires a bit of space but can be played inside. Kids wear a wristband that explains how they will take their next turn. It helps teach the concept that fair isn’t always equal.

5) Likewise

Product Description: Likewise is a lively party game where it pays to think alike! One player turns over a “description” card and a “subject” card to create a zany category like “Goofy” “Hairstyle.” Then each player writes something that fits that category on their paddle without showing anyone else. When everyone is done writing, players flip over their paddles to reveal their answers. The most matched answer wins the round! Think you know which “Outrageous” “Celebrity” your best friend would choose? How about which “Mysterious” “Cooking Utensil” or “Pathetic” “Politician”? There are over 5,000 possible category combinations! The more you think like the other players, the more likely you are to win the game! Recommended for 3 to 6 players, ages 14+. Contents include 6 paddles, 6 dry erase markers, 71 description cards, 71 subject cards, scoreboard, die, and stickers.

Why We Like It:  Kids connect with other kids who have the same answers forming a stronger friendship bond.

6) Happy Birthday Game

Product Description: The hilarious game of giving funny gifts. – Only 30 seconds to learn! – The hilarious gift cards will get kids laughing instantly. How to Play 1. Everybody gives you gifts from their hand. 2. You pick the best one. 3. That player gets a point!

Why We Like It: Games that encourage players to think about what others like build the perspective-taking skill that many kids with social challenges have a difficult time applying.

7) Cozy Sack 3-Feet Bean Bag Chair

Product Description: The Cozy Sack foam chair is the most comfortable place to sit anywhere. They are filled with the softest virgin urethane foam available. The urethane foam will spring back to normal size after every use and not go flat like the traditional bean bag chairs.

Why We Like It: Although not a game or toy, these bean bags are a very popular item at my social skills center and parents ask me often where I got them.

Happy holidays to everyone! Have fun!

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

As I chatted with a new-to-my-social-group and middle school 6th grader, words came to mind. Awkward. Self-conscious. Body-conscious. Anxious. Friends who are no longer friends. Drama. Dark moods and crying jags or just feeling “bleh.” The beginnings of attraction to other people in new ways. Parents.

As she talked, I listened. I also traveled back in time. And as I did, I remembered that I felt EXACTLY the same way. We all did. But we also all thought that no one else felt that way. No else had the weirdest of thoughts. No one else felt uncomfortable in their own skin. No one else felt sad for no reason or worried so much.

If there is anything that we can pass along to our middle school or junior high school kids, is that AWKWARD is the norm for this time of life. Please share the below with a tween or teen that you love:

It is normal to:

• Be super self-conscious about everything, including your body, or lose a little confidence in yourself right now. This is due to the changes your body going through to mature to an adult. Do the best you can to treat your body right while it goes through this major shift. Use good personal hygiene, dress in clean clothes, try to eat at least 80% healthy and move around a little for exercise.
• Have mood swings. You feel sad one minute, happy the next. Dark places and spaces are normal. What’s NOT normal is if the dark moods don’t lift and you don’t enjoy what you used to enjoy. It is also NOT normal to think about hurting yourself or other people. If you are having those kinds of thoughts, tell a trusted adult, now.
• Change friends. As you get older, you may have less in common with old elementary school friends and more in common with new ones. Everyone is trying on new friends right now. There is a LOT of group switching in middle school.
• Feel anxious. And if you are already kind of an anxious person, it is normal for it to get pretty bad right around now. You will have weird thoughts and weird worries. I had some SUPER weird ones that I share with kids this age. Try to remember this: No worry is too weird and never worry alone. If you have thoughts stuck in your head that are weird or driving you crazy, this is where a trusted adult can be helpful.
• Be attracted to other people. Some of the people you are attracted to might surprise you. This can also be a confusing time as your brain works on figuring things out along with your body. It is completely normal to feel confused or strongly attracted to a crush. A hint that we can give you is to be friends first. You may decide to take the risk to let your crush know how you feel. That is brave. It is important to understand that if your crush doesn’t feel the same way in return, that it just wasn’t meant to be and to stay friends. Believe us, there will be many people that come into your life after middle school.
• Be in conflict with your parents. It is also very normal for you to have a somewhat love-hate relationship with your parents right now. You are probably wanting more freedom and not getting it yet. You are in the middle stage of still being your parents’ child and someone who is mature enough for more responsibility. As crummy as it is, your parents are doing their job looking out for you right now.

I told this 6th-grader that I remembered the worst of it as being the middle school years and into the beginning of freshman year. I told her that by 10th grade, most of this stuff was well past and we were on to more fully become the people that we were to eventually be, with the friends that we were meant to have. Please let our young teens know that we were all once there. And even though you cannot see it in peers and friends, there isn’t one of them that isn’t experiencing the same struggles, even though it might not look like it on the outside. Every middle schooler, and we do mean every, is feeling awkward on the inside.

Have a middle-schooler that could benefit from even more advice and tips? Check out our book for tweens and teens, available for FREE through Friday in the Kindle version.

 

 

 

 

“Would You Like to Hang Out Sometime?” – 6 Steps for Success

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to ask someone that question. Before taking this bold step toward friendship, here are steps to laying the groundwork to enhance your chances for a positive outcome.

1. Consider if you’ve spent time with this person in a place where you’ve had a chance to socialize. It might not be enough just to sit next to that person in class you want to be sure you’ve had social moments together.
2. Consider if those social moments together have been positive, awkward or if you’re unsure about how they’ve gone. If they’ve been awkward or your unsure, you might need more time to develop the groundwork before asking them if they want to hang out.
3. Consider what you would do together if they said yes. You’ll want to make sure you have common interests to make hanging out together less awkward and more enjoyable.
4. If you take this brave step in the person says yes, awesome! If you take this brave step and the person says no or has another reason as to why they can’t, regroup and continue to lay the groundwork. It can be hard to tell if someone is legitimately busy or if they are not ready to hang out just yet. One surefire way to tell that they are legitimately busy is if they suggest an alternative date to hang out.
5. If someone says that they are too busy to hang out, don’t automatically assume that they dislike you. Often times people who have anxiety will jump to conclusions when, in fact, the person might just be busy.
6. If they do say yes, still proceed with caution. By that we mean don’t refer to them as your best friend or start to hang out with them every second of the day or become too clingy. Even though they’ve said yes, they still might need some space and some time to get to know you.

Friendship takes quite a bit of effort. It takes effort to lay the groundwork in order to be able to ask someone to hang out and, once they do agree to hang out with you, still go slow with that person so if you can develop a true lasting friendship.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

He just has to learn:

• to be responsible;
• to listen;
• to turn in his work;
• to sit still;
• to pay attention; and
• to focus.

There isn’t a parent of a child who struggles with the symptoms of ADHD that has not heard the words “he just has to learn to (fill in the blank).

You know what? There isn’t a child out there that doesn’t want to please or want to be able to do the things we ask of them. Nothing upsets me more than hearing about a child being punished for his or her disability or symptoms. Because you know what else? Impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattention are symptoms of ADHD. They are not chosen behaviors. (Yes, ADHD children are also perfectly capable of purposeful misbehavior, but it is quite easy to tell the difference.)

Disciplining a child for the executive function challenges inherent with ADHD is the same as disciplining a child who has diabetes for not controlling his or her blood sugar.

The more that a child begins to feel that he or she cannot meet our unrealistic expectations of an ADHD student, the more that child’s self-esteem will suffer and he or she will either act up or give up.

Let’s stop punishing children for their neurological challenges and symptoms. These kids learn much better when we approach them from “how to” instead of “don’t do.”

They don’t have to learn. We do.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Teens today have grown up with electronic messaging in various forms. The thought of picking up a phone and calling someone is a mortifying thought for them. In-person conversations can leave them at a loss for what to say or awkwardly stumbling over their words. They can become so anxious that their minds are concentrating on what to say next rather than listening to the other person.

A common conversation complaint that we hear is that teens will try to talk in a peer group but no one listens. Here are some tips to be heard.

1. Make sure that your body is near the group. I have seen many teenagers try to talk to a group but they are a few feet away from the group. They need to be facing the person or people they’re trying to talk to.
2. Make sure you show interest in the conversation even when you’re not talking. By nodding and leaning in and smiling if appropriate. Saying things like “seriously?” “No way” or “wow” are ways to show you’re listening in a group of teens. Your tone of voice needs to sound “light” and incredulous and not serious.
3. Stay on topic. Others are more likely to listen if you are contributing to the topic they are speaking about rather than trying to change it to a new topic.
4. Try to gain their attention before you start talking with some attention-getting types of openers such as, “hey guys check this out… “, “Hey listen to this… “, “OMG you’re not gonna believe this… “, “hey did you hear…”.
5. Never ever try to gain attention by saying something shocking. The group is not likely to believe you if you say something outrageous and you’re likely to make them uncomfortable.
6. Don’t lie or make up stuff to be cool. Just be you.
7. If someone says something funny and everyone laughs, you can laugh too. Do not try to add onto the joke to make the laugh last longer. If they’re laughing at someone in a mean spirited way, don’t contribute.
8. Filter your thoughts. Some people speak every thought that pops into their heads. Trust us, no one wants to hear everything that you think. Pre-think what you’re about to say based on the people you’re with then decide if you should say it. You can even have practice conversations with a mirror or stuffed animal. Practicing Mindfulness can help with the impulse to tell all.
9. Raunchy talk should be spoken only with really close friends of the same gender.
10. Resist over sharing. A group of teens does not need to know very personal information about yourself or gossip about other peers or family.

If you are continuously not being listened to in a peer group or if they constantly talk over you, then they might not be your people. You might need to find a new group who are more accepting of you.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

All kids, at some time or another, tattle. Some kids are consistent, reliable informants. The problem with tattling is that it doesn’t win you many friends. The reasons that kids tattle may include:

• Anxiety around the fact that someone may not be following the rules;
• Purposefully trying to get another child in trouble; and,
• Lacking conflict-resolution or problem-solving skills.

How you handle episodes of tattling depends on the reason that the child is reporting minor incidences.

If a child tattles due to anxiety about what other people should or should not be doing, a strategy is to remind that child that the problem doesn’t belong to them, and if they are following the rules or directions and doing what they are supposed to be doing, they can ignore other people’s choices. There are some anxious children, that no matter how much you re-direct the tattling, it is a NEED of theirs to report. In this instance, try using the strategy of saying, “thanks for the information, I’ll take it from here.” This should provide closure for the child and then you as the adult can decide whether or not there is something to further explore or address.

For children that are deliberately trying to get another child in trouble and reporting something to you, that may or may not be true and is minor, we suggest calling it out. You could say something such as, “That is tattling and it is unkind. I’m sure that you would not like __________ to tattle on you.” A real-life instance of social coaching a tattling incident occurred a few years ago at my Center. I was working with a small group of kids when a little girl, we’ll call her Sally, ran over to me and said, “Miss Donna! Tommy is writing naughty words on the whiteboard.” Of course, Tommy is right behind Sally, with a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face, knowing he was going to get it. I looked at Sally and said, “That’s tattling. Is anyone getting hurt or anything dangerous happening?” She said, “no.” I then replied, “then I didn’t really need to be informed.” The look of relief on Tommy’s face was precious, and Sally just looked at me in a confused way and went back to playing with the other kids. However, I then had to say to Tommy, “Now I know what is going on in there. And I know you know the rule and that it isn’t okay to do that. What should happen now?” Tommy replied, “I’m sorry Miss Donna. I’ll go erase it and I won’t do it again.” Tattler down. Situation handled.

There are also situations where children tattle because they have not yet built the skills to solve a problem on their own. We teach these children the three steps to solving a problem:

TALK: Use a stick-up-for-yourself sentence. For example, “Billy, stop calling me names.”

WALK: If that doesn’t resolve it, it’s time to go find something else to do or someone else to play with.

ASK: And if Billy continues to follow and call names, it’s time to ask for help. If you are teaching children the TALK-WALK-ASK™ method, you should ask if they have done the first two steps when they come to you to report. If they have, you as the adult can step in to model conflict resolution and problem-solving strategies.

We teach kids that there are major differences between tattling and telling. Anything purposefully dangerous, hurtful or destructive should be immediately reported to an adult. Below is a printable (click on it to open larger size) that you can use to help children understand the difference. With time, patience and practice, you can help children learn to resolve their own minor issues and decrease the need for tattling.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Most of the children and teens that we work with have anxiety. Many crave a high degree of control over all things, play, conversation, peers, adults, school work, recess games, homework, video game play and on and on. Since they are unable to control these areas of their lives, they are even more stressed and frustrated. They tend to be rigid in their thinking so being open to new ideas can be hard and suggestions are sometimes met with resistance. They are stressed and frustrated and often times not very happy. So what is the one tip that can make them feel happier today?

Do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return.

It sounds super simple and easy, right? It can be except if someone has a hard time considering another’s point of view. It can take some time to explain our tip to them and it can be even harder to actually do it. Hard as it can be, once they are able to do something nice for someone, they will feel happier for having done so. The “something” can be seemingly really small like start homework before being told or shut off the video game without a reminder. Bigger things could be like washing someone’s car or cleaning the house. Gestures that are unselfish and purely to make the other person’s day better in some way are a great way to get a quick boost of happiness. Imagine if people everywhere adopted this tip on a routine basis? Happiness would begin to spread everywhere. Now wouldn’t that make us all a little happier?

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) know a tween who just received her first cell phone. In actuality, it’s more of the fact that now she just doesn’t have to be near WiFi to do the things she typically has done on a cellular device that wasn’t connected to a service. It also adds text messaging and phone calls (do kids even make phone calls anymore?) so that her parents can maintain communication as she spreads her wings into after-school activities.

As expected, the first thing she did was add all of her friends (and family) to her contacts so that she could text them. Since I am one of those family members, I get a kick out of being able to text her, too. We would connect via SnapChat before, but texting is a little easier. As with any kid just getting their first technological wings, she’s been a little bit of a text maniac.

The instant communication that texting brings also creates the urge to reply immediately. I think that is something that most of us, or maybe even all of us who have texting capabilities, may experience. I personally have decided to try to treat text messages more like emails. It takes a little of the pressure off. I don’t know about anyone else, but I become very easily derailed when a text message comes through. I also think that I allow my device, in general, to impact my productivity in ways that it should not.

The impetus for that thinking came from overhearing a conversation between the dad and this tween. Her dad was discussing with and reinforcing for her that a text message is not an emergency and she can train her brain to not respond as if it were. A true emergency would elicit a phone call from the person trying to reach you.

She’s a tween with technology and this is how kids communicate and socialize these days. For that matter, so do we as adults. I think for the typical technology user, something will trigger in your brain to let you know that you’ve had enough. I think for kids and teens who struggle with the social side of life, may also struggle with the balance that technology requires of us to stay socially healthy. One of my assistants was telling me that he can see on his phone how much time he’s spent each day on different apps and it was an eye-opener for him to see how much time he had actually wasted that he could have been doing something else.

Nadine and I are consistently talking to kids about being a “good consumer” of the technological marvels that are available to us. Stats tell us that the average teenager sends and receives over 3000 texts a month. That is a LOT of “emergencies” that their brains are responding to. This tween’s dad told her a good rule for non-emergency texts would be to reply within 4-5 hours. My brain tends to agree.