By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Lately I have been talking with a lot parents and teens about anxiety. I had one teen boy recently pull me aside during social group and say “Miss Nadine, I need help with my anxiety.” I proceeded to tell him several steps he could take to lessen his anxiety and he smirked at me. He did not want to hear what I had to tell him.

The message was that if you want to lessen your anxiety and be happier, then there are things you can do to achieve that. The part he didn’t like was that HE had to do those things. I truly believe that he wanted me to do it for him. Maybe sprinkle some magic dust or something. He had a huge case of what we call the “yeah, buts…”. People with anxiety will give all kinds of reasons as to why they shouldn’t do anything to lessen their anxiety. Halfhearted attempts aren’t enough to make change. There needs to be a commitment to make life better by the person who wants the better life. No amount of coaching, therapy or any type of intervention will improve someone’s quality of life if they refuse to make changes for themselves.

The good things in life take effort. Nothing worth having is easy to come by. I could type so many different cliché-type phrases here and all would be true. You and you alone are in charge of you and nothing changes if nothing is changed. Kick the “yeah, buts…” to the curb and strive for happiness. No one has ever regretted managing their lives better but many regret the time lost when they don’t.

By Donna Shea

Nadine has been away on a trip of a lifetime, in Italy. She’s on her way back home now, and I am so excited she and her husband had this opportunity for travel.

While she’s been gone, I have contemplated how our friends can be great motivators in our lives. Either they are there with a gentle nudge, push, or hold us accountable in some way to our goals. We started this blog back in 2015, and keep each other on track as to who’s turn it is.

It was my turn last week, and I completely forgot. This week, I haven’t forgotten, but I haven’t felt any great urges to write. I haven’t been able to come up with a topic that says “Oh, that’s a good one! I have to write about that!.” I messed around with trying to find an old one to renew, but that hasn’t worked either. It may be that my friend isn’t around to bounce ideas off of. It could be that I’m just crazy busy, and she’s not here, so I’m doing a little procrastinating on this end of things.

We all need a friend or friends that help keep us on track. Whether it’s a goal that you have in common, cheering us on through a crazy patch, or just to know they are around and have the expectation that we will do what we said.

So, I sit here writing a blog-less blog, so that when she gets home, I can say that I did my job, but I really missed her.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Finding the right tone to strike when defending a belief can be tricky and, quite honestly, takes a lot of practice. If the topic is a hot button for you, it can be hard to keep anger in check when someone offends you. Or if you tend to be very averse to any kind of confrontation, you might be tempted to just let it go and not defend your belief.

I (Nadine) feel that striking a balance between the two approaches is a goal that will satisfy both the desire to defend but not to argue. As the mom of a daughter with Down syndrome, I have had to defend her on countless occasions. Sometimes I have done it awkwardly and probably ineffectively and other times I have been able to strike the right balance. I do know one thing for sure; not defending her is not an option. I would rather live with others disliking me than me disliking myself.

In working with teenagers, they inevitably are going to use the r-word now and again. Since I have had to address the use of this particular version of hate speech so often that, sadly, I am quite experienced. So when it was said just last week, it was routine for me. We sit down on a bean bag and I explain. I don’t get angry but I am also crystal clear. This is my center, that language offends me and it will not be allowed here and let me tell you why. I pull out my phone and show a photo of my beautiful daughter. She is why it is not allowed and she is why my social skills center exists. I always tell the teen that if they should ever be so lucky to meet my daughter, the words that they should say to her are “thank you.”

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) mentioned the title of this blog to a kid who came to his social group in a grouchy mood. He was miserable. Crabby and out of sorts. He was complaining about everything and everyone. He didn’t feel like playing anything and he was really being a downer. It was taking down the mood of the rest of us, and he was not interested or invested in working with me towards participating.

Do you have people in your life that complain a lot? Are you a person who others think complains a lot? Complaining can very easily become habitual. The more you complain and focus on the negative, the more you will find you have things to complain about. This is why we work with kids using positive psychology. You can train your brain to move from focusing on the negative to looking for the positive.

We all know that saying that misery loves company. The company generally does not want misery, complaints, gossip, and all those things that draw a social situation down to a complaint session, however easy it seems to go there.

We all have those days when we’re irritable or feeling low. And, as an important point, I would never say this to a person who is depressed or sad for very good reasons. More generally, if we’re having a bad or an off day, it’s more beneficial to our social relationships if we change our plan to what we need to do for ourselves in terms of self-care then to spread our grouchy mood.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

When I talk to clients about issues that they are having with their children, they tell me about how he or she is not connecting with peers, eats alone at lunch, feels like no one like them and so on. Those problems are not small issues to address and will take time and effort to begin to resolve. Sometimes, when I talk to people, they start to “pile on” more and more problems during the course of our conversation. I might hear “and there are layoffs at my work and my car broke and my mom might have dementia and…” on and on. All those are important and concerning things and all will need to be addressed at some point. The thing is, all of those problems cannot be addressed all at once. Even trying to think about them all at the same time is going to cause overwhelm and worry. Here are some tips for when problems seem to pile up.

1. Tackle the most urgent one first. You might not be able to address them all at the same time.
2. Try not to stress about the ones you can’t control. If you are not in control, let it go. There is nothing you can do about it.
3. Take proactive steps so you are ready should something occur. For example, if there is a possibility that you might lose your job, update your resume and start to throw out some feelers.
4. Delegate problems to others if you can. Perhaps a significant other or a family member could help with one of the problems you are facing. Maybe a sibling can help with an ailing parent, for example.
5. Take time for self-care. Exercising to de-stress or taking time to get you nails done can give you a small break.
6. Leave it up to the professionals. If your child is not connecting or making friends, enroll him or her into a social skills group and let the professional do what they are trained to do.
7. Don’t think too far into the future if you don’t have to. If your child is in a grade lower than a junior in high school, now is not the time to think about what will happen after high school. This is a thought that you can save for when life is less overwhelming.

Life can seem unfair at times and situations can arise all at the same time. It’s not possible to avoid dealing with them but hopefully you can start to manage better by implementing these tips.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I’ve always had difficulty sleeping (Donna). Being one of those people that comes wired with anxiety, I would frequently find myself awake in the middle of the night, with my brain churning. Depending on the way life was going, it would be about my children, my work, or other life events that were going on at the time. My brain would run on a hamster wheel, and I was unable to stop it. I did try breathing, counting, and other relaxation techniques, but I usually found myself climbing right back on the wheel.

Positive psychology, infused in our work with kids, encourages us to use gratitude as an anxiety management tool. The strategy is to write down three good things that happened each day and why they were good. The “why” cements the positive thought. It is most advantageous to do the exercise right before you go to sleep each night so that your brain gets tucked in with good thoughts.

I do still wake up most nights, but I have found that when I consciously shift my thoughts from what’s keeping me awake to things in my life that I am grateful for, I am back to sleep within minutes.

Gratitude not only benefits sleep. Doing this exercise for a week will actually change your thinking to be more positive. Continuing to do the exercise has research-proven long-term effects. Get grateful, have the kids get grateful, and get back to sleep!

And just to express our own gratitude to our blog readers, here is a gratitude tracker that you can save and print out for the kids! (Right-click on the image to save for printing).

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

As the parent of a fairly complicated person, I (Nadine) find myself second-guessing doctors quite often. It’s not that I don’t trust their training and expertise because I value them greatly, but I know my daughter and she is a puzzle. There have been times when I get that feeling that the diagnosis just isn’t quite right. For a time I will go with what the experts say and give their approach a try but eventually, I hop on the Internet and start searching. This week is one of those weeks where I did just that. I found what sounded like the exact issue my girl was struggling with and I brought that to the latest expert. Not that I want to label people but having the right diagnosis can lead to the right medication, treatment, support, and further our collective understanding of the problem.  I now know what books to read and websites to visit to be able to help her.

We have blogged about parental instinct in the past and these tips hold true. Here is a list of times when you might want to trust your parental instincts:

1. When you think a problem is bigger or smaller than the professionals think it is;
2. When you think someone does not have your child’s best interests in mind;
3. When you think your child is under or over medicated;
4. When you think your child might have an undiscovered diagnosis (that feeling that there is more to the story);
5. When the diagnosis your child was given seems like the wrong one;
6. When you suspect that someone is being unkind to, or bullying, your child;
7. When you know in your heart that your child is capable of more but that something is getting in the way;
8. When the school your child attends seems like completely the wrong setting for him or her;
9. When you think that someone might be lying to you; and
10. When someone who interacts with your child gives you the creeps.

Gut instincts might not always be right, of course, but that feeling that something is off could be the very thing that points you in the right direction for your child. Trust your gut, follow up with that feeling to tease out if you are right, and create a different plan of action that speaks to you as the right one. I, for one, feel that my daughter will now finally get the help she needs because the diagnosis of her struggle feels spot on.

Important note: Always discuss your findings with a medical professional.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Not long ago, I (Donna) was out doing some shopping at a local store. As I was waiting in line, I noticed a very elderly cashier. She was moving very slowly, taking the time to wipe down the counter and perform some other tasks. I also noticed that she was going to be the cashier that checked me out. I was feeling tired, hangry and growing impatient.

As I stood there waiting for her to finish tidying her work space and to be called to check out, I did what I teach the kids at my center to do, stop and think. Try to look at things from another perspective. Download your patience app into your brain. As I continued to stand there, I shifted my thinking from myself, onto the cashier. I surmised that she was working at her advanced age for one of two reasons. Either she had to work, which suggested financial or other difficulties in her life, or she wanted to work to be out engaging with people so as not to be lonely. In either case, she certainly did not deserve my impatience or an attitude to ruin her day.

I was at last called to check out. I gave her a smile and a friendly hello. I helped remove the clothes I was purchasing from their hangers while we chatted about this and that. It ended up being a very pleasant exchange for both of us. I am very glad that I stopped to choose patience.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Children and teens who have social challenges have difficulty with understanding which type of language to use in various settings. They might try to gain attention from others by inserting “edgy” comments into conversations. What they don’t realize, though, is that this attention-getting strategy may frequently offend the very people they are trying to impress. Most people won’t express their discomfort if someone mentions an uncomfortable topic and they might even laugh to mask that discomfort. Here is a guideline we created to help children and teens understand some of the conversation pitfalls that they should avoid.

Note: For all of these topics, having a respectful conversation in the appropriate setting is fine. We are referring to “jokes” or flippant comments regarding these topics in a casual social environment.

Creepy Talk – we coined this term for comments that include guns, fights, wars, or aspects of our lives that are generally deemed sacred (cemeteries, death, etc.), alarming news topics, killings, or school shootings.

Topics to Avoid – Politics, political affiliation, money, religion, physical appearance, disability, LBGTQ, adoption.

Harsh/Offensive Language – Sucks, stupid, idiot, shut up, swearing, the r-word or any derogatory comments about those who are different from them, some slang.

Attention Seeking Comments – Inappropriate content or “locker room” talk, any crazy story that you make bigger to impress others, use of drugs, drinking, smoking, vaping.

Humor that Insults – Comments that disparage others, putting others down for entertainment, and laughing at others rather than with them.

This guide is a framework for those with social challenges to be  used within the context of differing situations. As an example, hanging out with your teen friends versus meeting your girlfriend or boyfriend’s parents for the first time, are very different scenarios. For those who have trouble discerning when to use a certain type of language in a given social situation, it is best to err on the side of caution, so as not to offend potential friends.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I found this blog post that I had written back in 2017 (Donna), and since yesterday was Superbowl Sunday, football will definitely be a topic of conversation today. I realized that I had also just chatted with a child in one of my groups about this idea within the last couple of weeks. I know many kids who will always agree to play with another child or join in when they are asked or invited to, but they rarely, if ever, initiate a social interaction on their own. These kids are good receivers of friendship overtures, but they aren’t making the initial play.

I got to thinking that teaching kids initiation skills is similar to football. If you are always a receiver, you may or may not be the one that the football gets passed to. The odds are a great deal less the ball will come your way. However, a quarterback gets to call the plays and pass the ball. He has a 100% chance of interaction. So, it makes some sense to teach the kids how to be a quarterback and call the friendship plays. How do you coach a child to change their position from receiver to quarterback? Encourage them to:

• Go up to someone at recess and say, “I’d like to play with you. What are you playing?”
• Call a classmate for a play date or have a parent help you make the call.
• If you are a teen, send the text to suggest a plan for Friday night. A concrete plan. Lots of teens are sitting home waiting on that football to come their way. Be the one who throws the ball.

The eventual pay-off of being a good quarterback is that a child or teen will also be a more frequently invited receiver and the back-and-forth of friendship will become a natural series of initiation and response. Friendship touchdowns are sure to happen if you throw the ball enough times!