By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Anxiety is the root cause of many of the struggles that I see the kids experience each week in group. Some of what I observe is clearly anxiety, but in many instances, we adults need to look deeper to see the anxiety beneath a behavior or an interaction. There are as many different ways that anxiety exhibits itself as there are children. Here are examples of what anxiety has looked like in social groups:

• A child who needs to have his mom sit in the hallway instead of the waiting room for the first few weeks.
• The child who doesn’t respond to an invitation to play and just shrugs his shoulders and looks at the floor.
• A child who repeatedly states that he is in first grade, but is supposed to be in second grade, to the point where you begin to realize that this is a big source of concern for him.
• The tween who feels overwhelmed by something that happened at school and can’t let go of the thoughts.
• Kids who can’t let go of thoughts in general. A child who appears stuck or rigid may be anxious.
• A child who screams at another child for coming too close to something he is building and takes the other child by surprise.
• The child who over-explains, needs permission to make a decision or apologizes too much is likely experiencing the fear of making a mistake.

These are just a few examples. My view as a social coach and behavior specialist is to assume anxiety is in play when something isn’t going well for a child. If he or she seems defiant, rigid or does things repetitively, ask your child if he or she is worried about something. Sometimes kids don’t understand what that means, so you could also phrase it by asking if your child has a concern about something, or maybe has a thought that he or she keeps thinking and can’t make go away.

It is also important to let your child or teen know that no worry is “too weird” and that he or she should never feel that they have to worry alone. Sometimes a good strategy for anxiety is just to name and acknowledge what it is that is weighing you down.

By Nadine Briggs

On the day that I became a mom, my daughter, Megan, was born after an uneventful pregnancy. As she entered this world, she did not cry as is expected when a newborn takes her first gulps of air. My daughter was not able to breathe on her own at birth and had a blueish and alarming color to her skin.

Crowds of people entered the birthing room and surrounded her in an attempt to diagnose why she was having difficulty breathing and to provide oxygen to her lungs. My increasing louder question of “what’s wrong with my baby?” was not immediately answered. This was not the birth experience that I had envisioned. Within 20 minutes, the nurse told us that Megan most likely had Down syndrome, a genetic difference where she has an extra chromosome hard-wired into her whole being, resulting in global developmental delays. Megan was brought to our bedside for a quick kiss on the cheek and then taken away. We were not able to hold her at that time because she needed immediate medical attention. She was brought to the neonatal intensive care unit known as the NICU.

I had a very limited knowledge about Down syndrome and certainly had no understanding what it meant for her life and ours as a family. As I processed the news over the next several hours, my husband and I learned that the reason why she was not able to breathe on her own was due to a very serious heart defect. She had two very large holes in her heart that if not repaired, would be fatal. She was going to need open heart surgery at some point prior to her first birthday. Her medical state was so delicate that a common cold would likely result in death.

Our goal as her parents from that point on was laser-focused. She needed to grow strong enough to endure heart surgery. Her heart was defective to the point where at rest, it was pumping as though she were running a marathon. She could not sustain this level of effort for the long term. She needed to gain weight and strength. Despite our efforts to teach her how to drink from a bottle so we could increase the caloric intake with formula, at 3 1/2 months old, Megan was in failure-to-thrive and had open heart surgery to repair the holes. Thankfully, the surgery was a success and she began to thrive and grow.

As these events unfolded within the first few months as a mom, I began to change. I was thrown into motherhood in a way that I could never have anticipated. I began to grasp medical terms, learned to ask questions, take the time to process the answers and then ask them again if needed. I learned sign language, more acronyms than I care to mention and how to advocate as a mom. Clumsily at first, I’m sure, but I learned. I learned and I grew along with Megan. I made a ton of mistakes and probably cried just as many happy tears as I did sad ones. On this Mother’s Day, I can look back and see that this journey has shaped us all and for that, I am truly grateful.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I was talking to a neuropsychologist on the phone about one of our mutual clients the other day. I mentioned how Billy would always agree to play with another child or join in when he was asked, but he rarely, if ever, initiated a social interaction. Billy is a great receiver of friendship overtures, but he isn’t making the initial play.

I got to thinking that teaching kids initiation skills is similar to football. If you are always a receiver, you may or may not be the one that the football gets passed to. The odds are fewer that the ball will come your way. However, a quarterback gets to call the plays and pass the ball. He has a 100% chance of interaction. So, I am teaching the kids how to be a quarterback and call the friendship plays. How do we coach a child to change their position from receiver to quarterback?

• Go up to someone at recess and say, “I’d like to play with you. What are you playing?”
• Call a classmate for a play date or have a parent help you make the call.
• If you are a teen, send the text to suggest a plan for Friday night. A concrete plan. Lots of teens are sitting home waiting on that football to come their way. Be the one who throws the ball.

The eventual pay-off of being a good quarterback, is that a child or teen will also be a more frequently invited receiver and the back-and-forth of friendship will become a natural series of initiation and response.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

When my daughter, Megan, was born I quickly became used to terms that would be used to describe my baby, like “global developmental delays” and “endocardial cushion defect” (heart defect in laymen terms). I accepted the long list of challenges that come with her having an extra 21st chromosome. I did everything in my power to raise her to have the best shot possible in life. I wanted her to be happy, of course, but also be able to live as independently as possible when she reached adulthood.

Recently, my daughter has developed an additional, shall we say, bonus feature. To respect her privacy, I will not share what the recent challenge is. Suffice it to say that it is a challenge big enough to potentially alter her future path in life. I am sure she will be fine, but it might make the future she was headed for and we intended for her to have, no longer possible.

So why am I sharing but not really sharing this part of my life with you? For a few reasons. Reason One is to let you know that when Donna and I tell people we understand the challenges parents face, we get it in a way that no one without a child with challenges can. We live those soul crushing moments when you feel helpless to fix the issue. Those sit-alone-in-the-dark with only a box of tissues for company moments. In those moments, we are not wallowing in self pity (well, maybe a little). We are knocked back a bit for sure, but we are thinking and considering, and calculating what to do next. Since giving up is never an option, we are problem solving. We come up with Plans A, B and C because we know that many of the challenges we face will need multiple plans. Living this life has honed our problem solving skills. It’s that problem solving that we write about in our How to Make and Keep Friends books. We believe that we experience these moments because we are meant to share them with you. Not the problems, of course, but the solutions.

Reason Two is that we have people out there who are frequently try to copy or hijack our work. People who are either trying to be like us (not in a flattering way, but in the not-cool way) or who use images of our books to create the illusion to make people think they are us and gain business for their own centers. (Yes, we see you). I say, go ahead. Give it your best shot. You will never be able to duplicate us. The experiences that have shaped us come from 5 collective decades of dealing with a very long list of issues. There is no copying that.

Reason Three is that there might be someone out there who has had or is currently having to deal with a big bonus feature and might need to know that they aren’t alone. You aren’t. We are here and we’re with you. There is whole community of us who understand.

When born, Megan might have been described with the terms that I indicated at the start of this blog, but now that she’s 20, I will add some additional terms for the end. Smart, goal-driven, motivated, determined, and feisty.

Stay tuned for the update. My girl is a fighter and this “bonus feature” has met its match.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Trash-talk can be fun when playing games with friends if the right tone is communicated. Saying to an opponent, “You are sooooo going down,” with laughter in your voice and a smile on your face is fun. When does trash talk become a put-down? It can be a fine line between having fun and hurting someone else’s feelings. We also see a lot of kids who get caught up in bragging to other players about their own skill at a game which  leaves the other kids to feel upset or discouraged. The kids who use discouraging language or brag will typically find themselves not having anyone to play with after a short time.

In addressing this social challenge, we coach kids on replacing the trash talk that isn’t kind, or bragging with using encouraging words with their opponents. One of the best games that I use to practice this skill is Wii bowling, because the feedback on how you are playing is so immediate. When a kid gets a gutter ball or misses the pin, I model for the kids how to encourage each other. Here is a list of simple phrases you can teach your child to use to encourage his or her friends, or to be a good winner or loser, when playing a competitive type of game:

• “You almost had it!
• “Nice try!”
• “So close!”
• “You’ll get it next time!”
• “Way to go!”
• “Good game!”
• “You beat me! Let’s have a re-match!”

This quote sums it up nicely. We can improve our relationships with others by leaps and bounds if we become encouragers instead of critics.  -Joyce Meyer

Smack talk can add a fun element to play as long as the right tone is reached and it doesn’t go too far. For kids who have difficulty knowing the difference, the phrases above can be helpful to keep in mind.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Parenting can be a lot like trying to solve a complex puzzle. When raising a child who has specific challenges and it can seem as though there are always issues to assess and problems to solve. These struggles are rarely straightforward. You will likely visit many experts and professionals who will weigh in on what they think is best and, as a parent, you are left with ultimately choosing the course of action. Here is a list of times when you might want to trust your parental instincts:

1. When you think a problem is bigger or smaller than the professionals think it is;
2. When you think someone does not have your child’s best interests in mind;
3. When you think your child is under or over medicated;
4. When you think your child might have an undiscovered diagnosis (that feeling that there is more to the story);
5. When the diagnosis your child was given seems like the wrong one;
6. When you suspect that someone is being unkind to, or bullying, your child;
7. When you know in your heart that your child is capable of more but that something is getting in the way;
8. When the school your child attends seems like completely the wrong setting for him or her;
9. When you think that someone might be lying to you; and
10. When someone who interacts with your child gives you the creeps.

Gut instincts might not always be right, of course, but that niggling feeling that something is off could be the very thing that points you in the right direction for your child. Trust your gut, follow up with that feeling to tease out if you are right, and create a different plan if action that speaks to you as the right one.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) felt a blog about time was well…timely. It’s been at the forefront of my mind in recent weeks. If you know me in person, I’m pretty flexible and not a big stickler about most things or at least I really try not to be. But for some reason, time can be an area where I get stuck and rigid. It’s been a pet peeve since I can’t remember when. So here I am blogging about it. Because, well, maybe I’m not alone?

I’m a planner. So I tend to take a look at my day and break it down over my morning coffee. Where do I need to be and when? How much time to I have to get from here to there? How much more coffee can I have before I have to move? What can I accomplish before, after or in-between? Because there is always so much to do, I run a pretty tightly scheduled ship. I make my plan. I’m happy with the plan. My plans allow me to successfully run three separate companies, a social skills center, a social and educational publishing company and a dance studio. These commitments make my life incredibly busy so strong time management is key.

My plan works great, except for when it doesn’t. Sometimes, it’s my own fault. I don’t leave enough time or I realize that I’ve placed unreasonable demands on my plate. I get caught up in text messages or emails when I really should be doing other things.

Other times, my plan is going along just fine. And then…other people inadvertently mess it up. They don’t mean to. And I love the people that mess up my days. All of them. I really do. What I get stuck on is the time thing. For example:

• The dancer that comes into the studio at 6:05 when class begins at 6:30 PM, exclaiming, “Am I too early?” Honestly, yes. But I have a difficult time saying so. I’m trying desperately to fit in some dinner, catch up with my parents who I don’t see as frequently as I would like, and make a trip to the restroom. If I can have until 6:25, I’m completely ready for you to come on in!
• The kiddos that come bopping through the door 15 or 20 minutes early for their 4:30 program with lots of questions or exciting news to tell me. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE seeing those happy faces. I just need those before-group minutes to help my assistants prep for the group, return a phone call or finish a task. I don’t want a child to sense or feel that he or she does not have my full attention when it is his or her time with me. I have been working with the kids on how much I understand their anticipation about coming in to play, but that like any other appointment, there is a set start and stop time. I tell them that when I am early for something (and I am quite frequently), I sit in the waiting room (or my car if one isn’t available) with a book, magazine or play a game on my phone until it’s my appointment time.
• The parent who is chronically late picking up their child from group. This can cause a ripple effect like making me late to get on the road to the seminar I am scheduled to present at 7:00 and cause me to feel completely stressed out in traffic. Or when dancers are coming in for their class, and I’m still reassuring a child that his or her parent will be coming soon. It’s not the events that cause a parent to be unavoidably late on rare occasions that get to me. I once sat with a child for over two hours (and had to cancel some personal plans) waiting for a parent that had been caught in a horrible traffic jam because there had been a major accident. In that instance, I told the child that he wasn’t allowed to give his dad any grief for being late, as his dad certainly had had it much worse than we did, sitting there playing on an IPad.

So I’m wondering. Am I just too rigid about this time thing? Sometimes, I really need those minutes. Most times, I just want them. Those minutes allow me to finish my thought, a task, just breathe for a moment or allow me to get home after a long day. So, please. If sometimes I seem a little grumpy about time, forgive me. I’ll be okay in a minute.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Virtually all the kids we work with struggle with some form of anxiety. We live in a social world so it makes sense that those who struggle socially would feel anxious most of the time and avoid social situations whenever possible. Often times, though, those are the kids or teens who need social skills coaching the most.

As you can imagine, convincing someone who has anxiety to try a new social scene can be quite an undertaking. Teenagers are the hardest group to convince to try a social group. We feel fairly confident based on our experience that if the teen makes it through the door, we will be able to make his or her experience good enough that they will return for the second week. It’s getting them in the door that poses the challenge.

This week, I (Nadine) had scheduled a new 14 year old teen boy to come to group. His dad had called earlier in the day checking that his enrollment was all set. As the group began with no sign of the new teen, my heart sank. I figured that this loving dad was likely doing what he could to convince his teenage son to give it a try. The apologetic email I received later that day confirmed my suspicion. The boy never came and has no intention on coming to social group. Ever.

He’s one that got away and it’s heartbreaking for us when this happens. I hope he finds something else to pull him out of the isolation that so concerns his parents. I hope he finds something that will make it so he can apply for his first job, work successfully at group work in high school, and learn the skills necessary to live in a college dorm.

I tried everything I could think of to alleviate his anxiety about coming to try it out. I offered to meet with him alone so he could see the center without a group. I offered to talk with him via Skype or FaceTime to see if he would at least meet us. But nope. He’s mad that his parents tried to force him to come and his heels are dug in. As the saying goes, never say never. I do hope his parents try again once the dust settles. I’ve never met him but I know that giving up on helping him work through it is not an option.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

One of the greatest challenges brought to us by educators is how to handle children who carry a sense of entitlement. The many ways that a sense of entitlement is created could be discussed and debated and have been in many different forums and articles. It may be that we have created a child-first culture. It may be the problem of the participation trophies that reinforce that you will be rewarded just for showing up. It may be that you are dealing with one of those walk-around-on-egg-shell kids and in the fear of setting that child off, you give in. Maybe it’s the long hours that we all work and we’re just too tired to deal with issues, so we give in again. For kids with specific needs, it is even harder to tell the difference between what you need to do to accommodate a child and when you are actually enabling a sense of entitlement in that same child. Here are three strategies to address and eliminate entitlement:

1. Stop waiting on your child. I (Donna) mean that both literally and in the sense that we usually think about it. Allowing your child to run the show when it is time to leave says to that child that your needs, or someone else’s needs, do not matter. For example, twice now, I have been delayed in being able to end my workday and get home for dinner due to parents waiting on their child. Lights are off, I’m locking up, and I come around the corner to find the family in the waiting room. When I asked what I could do to help, I was told, “we are waiting for (our child) to finish playing. I firmly stated to the child (and the parents) that in this moment, her needs were not the priority. She had her time to play and now it was time for my needs to be recognized as the priority. In a different waiting-on-the-child situation, I had a tween bring in a bag of popcorn to his group and proceed to make a mess with it all over the floor. He balked when I handed him the dust pan and broom, and I explained that it was his mess, not mine. I never automatically open items such as snack bags or put straws in juice boxes. These items are frequently handed to me in an automatic way. I take the time to show the child the process of opening a bag (pinch each side and then pull) and encourage them to try the process of helping themselves a few times before asking for help. Kids with fine motor challenges do need help, so I accommodate that if they try and still have trouble. Accommodation is different than creating learned helplessness.
2. Do not allow your child to force other kids (or siblings) to share. Sharing is not always the right thing to do. Say that one child is playing with an item and another child wants it. By forcing the first child to share the item, we have created entitlement in the child who wants it, making that child think he or she can have whatever he or she wants, just by saying so. We use the strategy of saying that the particular item the child wants is not available. It may not become available, so the child will need to find another item to play with. The exception to this rule is if the item has been deemed a community item (ahead of time) and the rules of how to share it clearly stated. For example, I have a couple of remote control cars that the kids enjoy playing with. These are community items and everyone is allowed a 5-minute (timed) turn. However, if a child is playing with a couple of highly-desired Lego mini figures, those are unavailable.
3. It’s not your turn to be happy. We’ve talked about this phrase in other blogs, and it’s worth mentioning again in this little piece on entitlement. When I was recently in Disney with my family (six of us) we had to use this premise. Of course, we were in Disney and pretty happy to be there anyway, but we took turns being in charge of where to go and what to do next so that everyone had a fair shot and seeing or doing what he or she wanted to see or do. Your child needs to understand that other people have needs and other people’s needs do matter, yours included.

We do our kids a disservice if we allow that seed of entitlement and “only my needs” matter to become part of a child’s make-up. I realized in a moment of frustration with one of the kids in my group around this issue, that I was frustrated with the wrong person. A six-year old knows what he or she has been taught to believe. Eliminating entitlement starts with us, the adults, teaching children that everyone’s needs matter and we will not always have our own way.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Pets can communicate very clearly using the only means they have. They don’t speak our human language but are able to let us know what it is they want from us. When they want to be petted, when it’s time to be fed, when it’s time to go out for a potty break and when they want to play. I (Nadine) find that bringing my dog to work helps me engage the kids while providing fun and important lessons about non verbal communication. My little dog, Sadie, is a 3-year-old cavapoo (a mix of a cavalier King Charles spaniel and a miniature poodle). As you can see from the photo, she’s a cute ball of fluff and she’s truly as sweet as she looks.

Before I bring Sadie to a social group to be a furry friendship coach, I address directly any of the kids who’s parents have mentioned any aggression toward animals at home. I make the kids promise that no matter what, they will never hurt an animal again. Not mine or their own, ever. No matter how angry they get, they will never ever again take it out on a pet. I have them pinky swear while looking me in the eye.

I also check with the parents for any dog allergies or phobias. I never surprise the kids with her presence. They know and expect that she’ll be there ahead of time.

When the kids come in, Sadie will be in her crate as they all enter the room. One little dog in a room with eight excited 9-year-olds can be a lot to take on at once. As they all wait for her to be released from the crate, I ask them, “How do you think Sadie feels right now? There’s only one of her and eight of you.” I’ll get the right answers of “excited” or “nervous” and so on. Sadie is already teaching perspective taking.

I lay out the ground rules. I tell the kids that if at any point Sadie puts her paws on my leg, that means they need to stop interacting with her. It’s her way of asking for a time out. The kids are reminded that she needs the break right then and not “after a few more minutes.” Sadie is teaching when to stop and personal space boundaries.

Sadie will then come out of the crate and greet each child. She’s very well trained and naturally seems to give each child a turn. She also loves to fetch and the kids have a blast. They all want her attention so multiple voices will be calling “Sadie! Come!” I stop and ask if Sadie is able to attend to all those voices at once. The kids understand that she can’t come to all of them at once. Sadie is teaching turn taking and communication skills.

The kids learn that Sadie knows hand signals for some commands. I explain that not everyone can speak clearly enough for a dog to understand. Sadie is teaching that even dogs can accommodate differences.

When Sadie needs a break, she puts paws on my leg and I pick her up or put her back into the safety of her crate. The kids are disappointed that they have to stop playing with her for a while. Sadie is teaching that someone else’s needs are more important than their own in that moment.

During the calmer part of group when the kids are all sitting on bean bags and pillows, Sadie will walk around to each child. She might hop into a child’s lap or lay next to another or drop a ball by the foot of another. Sadie is teaching that she values each one of them and they matter.

Sadie lets the kids know that they have all made a new friend.