By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Even though we knew this was coming, it doesn’t make it any easier. The weather is getting colder and the days are getting shorter and COVID-19 is spreading while we are stuck at home. Families have had way more than their share of togetherness at this point and nerves are frayed.

With all that going on, it is certainly understandable if you waffle between blah and meh. So how can you brighten your mood? Here are some tips:

1. Consider how you spend leisure time – Commit to spending less time watching the news or on social media and immerse yourself in a really good novel. Escaping into an interesting story or even a page turner can help with mood. Maybe even start a book club or find one online.
2. Start New Year’s resolutions a little bit early –  Plan to have healthier meals each week or try a new vegetable each month. Try going for long walks multiple times a week or do whatever exercise is right for you. Not only will your body feel better with healthy lifestyle changes but your mood will likely improve too.
3. Self care – Self care is  great way to get rid of the blahs. Download a meditation app, take a bubble bath or try a new hairstyle . You might even want to try some interesting hair colors. Why not?
4. Schedule online time with friends – Socialization needs to be much more planned during the pandemic so it might feel like too much effort.  Push through those feelings by scheduling a watch party with an online video chats with friends. Just having human connection can help go from blah to happy.
5. Create an outdoor safe space for people to socialize. Put in a fire pit or clean out your garage to make it more comfortable for people to gather in a safe manner.
6. Decorate early for the holidays – even if you aren’t quite ready to put up the tree or menorah just yet, you can certainly put out holiday lights in your yard and around your house to brighten your environment.
7. Home improvement – Look around your house for small home improvements you might be able to do. A fresh coat of paint in a room can brighten the mood.
8. Community service – collecting food for a food pantry or making scarves for the homeless or any type of community service that you can do safely can really chase away the blahs. You can’t help but feel good when you’re helping someone else.
9. Consider getting a pet – Consider how much of a commitment you want when considering a pet. Hermit crabs or goldfish are not a huge commitment but getting a brand new puppy or kitten can feel like having another child.  Adding the new responsibility of caring for a pet can give purpose and certainly add a lot of enjoyment.
10. Play something new (or go back to the old) – break out old games like chess and backgammon to play with your family. Or invest in Jackbox games and plan to play online with relatives and friends that you can’t be with this holiday season.

During times like these we need to be creative and, as hard as it can be, we need to focus on the things that are going well in our lives. It’s easy to focus on the things that are not going well but that is not good for your mood and your overall well-being. Make a choice to creatively come up with ways to entertain yourself, give your life purpose, connect socially with family and friends and decide to leave the “meh” and “blah” behind.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

The ability to offer a do-over during a contested call in a social game is a skill that many children need to learn. Do-overs are an easy way to settle a squabble and move forward.

One of the things that parents, educators, and all who work with children can also do, is to extend a child a do-over when something goes wrong. Maybe a child has used a rude tone of voice with us, or in some way done an act that is displeasing. Most of the time, if you give a child a respectful chance to back up and re-do whatever it was, they will. It brings relief to both sides of the conflict or error, and again, everyone moves forward.

Even adults can allow each other a do-over. We all make mistakes, and sometimes in the heat of the moment, we may even say or do something purposefully hurtful.

If however, the rudeness or negative actions continue or are frequent, and do-overs have been given, that child or person is now purposefully misbehaving and consequences are in play. Maybe it’s removing your attention from the child saying rude things until they approach you respectfully. In extreme cases, maybe you may have to end a friendship because too many do-overs given to someone means they don’t really care about the relationship enough to make a do-over stick.

Sometimes, in many situations, a do-over isn’t available to us. Something has gone wrong, and it can’t be fixed. We may suffer a loss over our ability to do-over. When that happens, we can only learn from it and perhaps, do better.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Disclaimer: The ideas in this blog are based on recommendations from town officials to have a safe Halloween for everyone who chooses to participate in the holiday this year. It is not a political statement and comments of a political nature will be deleted.

Here comes Halloween and this year, like so many other things, it will need to look different. Many  families will decide not to participate this year and others will venture out and trick of treat. Our tips are meant to give ideas for both scenarios:

Trick or treat

If you choose not to hand out treats this year, keep your outside lights off and don’t answer the door. If you do choose to hand out candy, here are some tips for how to do so safely this Halloween. These are not all our own ideas but ideas that we have seen in social media posts and in discussions with friends.

Goodie bags – some towns are recommending that families hand out baggies of goodies to kids to avoid the public bowl. Ideas on how to pass these out:

• Leave them on a table in your driveway
• Put glow sticks in them and place them all over your yard
• Use long tongs to pass the baggies to children
• Create a “candy shoot” that you can slide the candy to children from a distance
• Full sized bars – this eliminates the need to stuff baggies but might be more costly. The photo shows a full sized Kit Kat on a stool with a battery operated tea light. You can place several stools or chairs in your driveway 6’ apart so kids can walk up and take one without being too close to other trick of treaters. This idea will require frequent replenishing so keep that in mind if you’d rather not have to monitor it that closely.

It’s recommended by health officials that kids who are trick or treating wear masks, use hand sanitizer and carry long handled tongs to pick up the treats.

For those who choose not to trick of treat:

• If the weather permits, you could show a Halloween movie on a white driveway door or pin a white sheet on the side of a house. This requires having a projector and sound system.
• Halloween scavenger hunt – Kids can dress up in their costumes and drive around town and see how many different types of decorations they can spot. Create a point system for each item they see.
  • Pumpkins = 1 point
  • If pumpkin is carved and lit = 2 points
  • Spider webs = 2 points
  • Hay bales = 3 points
  • And so on….
• Build a haunted house within your house with spooky surprises and creepy noises.
• Play flashlight hide and seek in the backyard with your family.
• Make your own Halloween treats like marshmallow popcorn balls with candy corn stuck inside.
• Have a pumpkin carving contest in your yard with friends at a distance with prizes for the scariest, funniest and most creative carvings.
• Tell ghost stories in the dark with a flashlight under your chin for an extra spooky effect.

Halloween is a fun time of year for so many kids and they can still have a great time, while staying safe, with a little creative thinking.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

We (Donna and Nadine) were emailing back and forth this week, just checking in on each other during these strange and, honestly, unpleasant times. As we watch the news, miss being with and hugging the people we love, or are simply yearning for our previous lives to be back to normal, it can feel that on many days, there is little to feel good about. And there are times when we should and will feel sadness. Expressing sadness is healthy. Staying stuck there is not.

But there is still reason to celebrate life. Really. It’s in the little good nuggets that each day still brings. Whether it’s playing Old Maid with your 4-year-old grandson, getting to visit with a relative or friend (albeit from a safe distance), having a Zoom Tiki Party with good friends on a Saturday night, or baking up your favorite cookies, there is still joy to be experienced. Human beings are adaptive and creative. We can create joy.

We have mentioned before that a positive psychology exercise for feeling more optimistic is to look for three good things that happen in your day (kids can do this too), write them down, and write down why they made you feel good. It’s the “why” that creates the energy that turns into feeling more optimistic.

As Thanksgiving approaches, you and your family could create a Thankful Jar. Beginning on November 1st, everyone puts a slip of paper in the jar with something they are grateful for, and during Thanksgiving dessert, read them aloud together.

Pan for gold and bombard your brain with the good stuff. Every positive in the day is a nugget to shine up and put in your pocket. Pretty soon, there will be a whole bagful of shiny golden nuggets.

 

 

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Social coaching is about observing the obstacles that are getting in the way of a child or teen, and depending on the nature of the child or teen, directly or indirectly pointing out what we see happening, and offering up some food for thought.

Here are some actual instances this past week where food for thought was needed:

• A child who was repeating the word suicide and thinking it was funny, or trying to shock everyone. The food for thought there was to think about the possibility that someone in the group had lost someone they loved to suicide, and how funny would it seem to that person. It would not. It would be extremely hurtful.
• One of my male teens deliberately inserted himself into a conflict that was occurring between four girls. His food for thought was why he felt the need to do that. Was it just for the thrill of being involved in the conflict or enjoyment of the drama? Was he trying to help? Was it a good idea to get involved?
• And, the conflict that he was involved in? One of the girls was playing with a large exercise ball and refusing to kick it around and share it with the other girls. It developed into the girls trying to get the ball from her, arguing with her, and then ultimately excluding her from the group. Her food for thought? Was it worth having her own way to the detriment of having a relationship or friendship with the other girls? When the group started, they were all nicely interacting together. Does getting your own way (and being inflexible about it) overrule the desire or need for positive relationships?

Social coaching involves asking these questions and letting the child or teen do some thinking. Many times, once they have a chance to reflect for a few minutes, you will see the child or teen moving in a more positive direction. Other times, they stand by the negative choice. In those instances, the food for thought is that they have chosen the consequence of their choice, will need to live with the outcomes, and only they have control over whether or not they want to try a different dish at another time in the future.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Fall is a great time of year to socialize outdoors. The weather is cooler and the scenery gets that amazing boost of color, especially here in New England where we are. Here is a list of outdoor social activities you can do with friends that allow the recommended physical distancing and mask-wearing to remain safe during COVID.

1. Apple picking – many apple picking farms offer hayrides and general stores with baked goods for sale. Bring chairs or blankets so you can relax with friends at a safe distance.
2. Pumpkin carving contest – most apple picking farms also sell pumpkins. Grab a pumpkin and hang out outside while each friend carves an interesting creation. Consider a prize for the best one (maybe a pumpkin pie!)
3. Hiking – the popularity of hiking seems to be on the rise and it’s no wonder. Hikers can wear masks or stay a safe distance apart while enjoying the incredible fall scenery. Check websites for the difficulty level of the hike so you choose one that fits your experience and be sure to bring water, snacks, and a bag to bring any debris off the mountain or trail with you. Footwear appropriate for hiking is key as well as perhaps layered clothing depending on how high an elevation you’re exploring.
4. Kindness rocks – grab some acrylic paints and rocks to decorate and have a driveway painting session. You can then disperse your inspirational rocks for others to find on popular walking trails.
5. Nature scavenger hunts – Create a list of potential things that you might find on a hike like a heart-shaped rock or a bright red leaf and have the hunters either take pictures of their findings or collect them to bring back to the group. This provides exercise with a purpose!

Outdoor activities not only allow for fun and safe socialization but also exercise and time away from screens. A little outdoor time can be relaxing as well as rejuvenating so grab those hiking boots and enjoy fall.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

My (Donna’s) nuclear family crew have historically not been the greatest of communicators, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings. We have agreed to, and have been actively working on this as a family, and seeing some nice improvements. Even as grown adults, we can all still work to improve in the areas that are troublesome. For us, it includes fully listening, clarification on what we hear, and clearness in the messages we send and speak.

One important rule that we follow, and that I teach to parents and educators, is to make sure that we are addressing the action or the problem to be solved, and not attacking the person. Examples sound like:

• You’re just lazy, versus, I’m frustrated that the trash wasn’t taken out.
• You don’t ever listen to me, versus, I really would like to finish what I am saying.
• You just don’t care about anyone else, versus, I need to feel as though what I say or think matters.

When we address the action and not attack the person, we have a much greater chance of better communication, getting our needs met, and the lessening of conflicts. Try the “I” statement rather than the “You” accusation language and see what happens in your interactions.

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

The return to school in the fall of 2020 is so incredibly challenging for all involved. Never have we needed more compassion and understanding of other than we do right now. Administrators have been meeting and working all summer to develop the best options for families to return to school (even if you don’t agree with what they’ve done), teachers are doing their best to meet the unique demands of this time, and parents have had to make challenging decisions based on their personal views and what they feel is best for their families. Students were/are anxious about all of it and how it will be for them this year and are (hopefully) somewhat prepared for whatever is to come. This year will bring forced lessons of flexibility, resiliency and cooperation. We have no choice but to try to make the best of a bad situation.
Those who communicate the best with one another will likely manage it best. Calm, thoughtful conversations to express feelings can go a long way toward preventing meltdowns. When feelings and thoughts stay bottled up without release, that’s when explosive outbursts are mostly likely to happen. Even if kids share their feelings by shouting, as adults we can respond with compassion.
We wish it were different. We wish that all kids had to worry about was how to find homeroom or the first day of school outfit. But they are worried about how to talk to their friends, how to do well academically and socially during this strange time. They are worried about how to stay safe and not catch or spread the virus. They might feel that they are being graded unfairly due to technical difficulties. They might feel isolated and sad. All of this is seriously big stuff for a kid. It’s big stuff for us adults!
If children can release those feelings knowing that they will get understanding and compassion in return, they might just feel like they can do this very hard thing in this time. As adults we need to be able to take the weight of their worries and help them carry this shared burden.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Friendships don’t just happen. Well, maybe there is that occasional friendship at first sight. And even then, in order for that friendship to grow and continue, there has to be an effort. When kids are little, parents make the effort for them by scheduling playdates or befriending other moms. As kids grow, we should be teaching kids how to take over the reins of their friendships.

What should kids know about attaining, maintaining, and sustaining friendships?

1. In order to have a friend, you need to be friendly. A person who seems unapproachable will seldom be approached.
2. Make the first move. Throw out a non-commital friendship feeler. Something such as, “Hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” or “Do you like to swim? I’d like to have you over to my pool one of these days.” Gauge the reaction. A positive one means that the next step is to follow up with an actual invitation. A lukewarm or negative one means that they aren’t interested at this time and to throw that feeler out to someone else. Keep working. Keep throwing. It will eventually catch.
3. Keep scheduled playdates as much as a priority as a doctor’s appointment.
4. If a friend cancels plans, it is then up to them to re-schedule. You may want to make a 2-strike rule, but a friend who cancels more than twice without re-scheduling is not behaving like a friend.
5. There should be a balance of power in friendships. Both kids should have a fair shake at playing what they want to play or creating a plan for a playdate. One child should not always be giving in to another just to keep a friend. Kids can nicely but assertively speak up and say something such as, “We did what you wanted to do, so now it’s my turn to pick.” Friends who do not participate in give-and-take in a relationship are not willing to do the work of having a friend.
6. Friendship takes two, or three, or more. One person cannot be expected to carry the entire load of keeping the friendship going.

If you want something badly enough, such as having friends, you can make it happen. It doesn’t happen by sitting home and moping about not having friends. It doesn’t happen by not talking to anyone in your class. It doesn’t happen by magic. It takes work.