By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

When kids are being teased and harassed, they become so angry and upset that many of them start plotting their revenge on the offender. It can feel great in the planning stage as they imagine all the ways that they will “show them a thing or two” or “teach them a lesson they won’t soon forget.” Fantasizing about such revenge is fine if it makes the victim feel better, but acting out on those thoughts is not recommended.

The person who started the conflict or who is bullying another will quickly learn that their tactics have been effective when the victim tries to seek revenge. Chances are, the perpetrator is not going to care whatever the victim says or does. The victim is trying to show strength in this way but is, in reality, indicating weakness.

Acting like they don’t care, even when it’s making them crazy, takes power away from the perpetrator. Vengeance does not. Many times when kids try to seek revenge, they are the ones who are caught in the act by adults and get reprimanded. Despite screams of “he started it!” adults will likely react to what they observed and not the claims of any individual child.

Our advice is for all kids to practice their “what ev” face and body language. Not caring what others say or do is truly the best revenge.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Check out our latest book, Bully Busting and Managing Meanies: Tips for Kids on Managing Conflict available on Amazon.com

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) recently experienced a loss of what Nadine and I refer to as our “sparkle.” That positive vibe that we bring to life and the resilience skills that we both have honed over the years. Life hasn’t been a piece a cake for either of us, but we are usually pretty adept at waiting for the tide to change and solving whatever problems come our way.

I found myself over the last few weeks of summer and all through September having what I think of as “sewer thoughts.” I’d think about one of the multiple things that haven’t been going well recently, and then my brain would just go down the drain and pile on more and more rotten thoughts. I felt a loss of hope, a deep dislike of humanity, and anger that came from what I could see as solvable problems, but one’s that I had absolutely no control over. It came to a head when I found myself oversharing my sewer thoughts in a completely inappropriate social setting. That was a wake up call that I needed to do what I coach all of our young clients to do, find a way out of the sewer.

How do you do that? In several blogs, we’ve talked about the basics of positive psychology. Be grateful. Look for the good. Understand what you do and do not have control over, and make decisions based on what you have to work with. Positive psychology is not all about sunshine and unicorns. It is a way to maintain your grit and mental health when everything in your sphere seems to be playing against you. Put your own mental health ahead of what issues are attempting to suck you into the sewer. Do what you can do, and let go of what you do not have control over. Don’t get me wrong, there is sometimes sadness and loss involved with letting go, but processing sadness is much better then becoming stuck in the sewer.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

My son (Nadine’s), Trent is a college junior and he rented an on-campus apartment with 3 other guys this year. Three of the four roommates moved in two weeks before the last guy because of preseason sports and other commitments. The 4th roommate is from Paraguay and I visit the day before his arrival.

Flags decorated the walls of the main living space with each flag representing one the guys who lives there. There is a Red Sox flag for the baseball fan, police flag for the criminal justice majors, corvette flag for the car enthusiast and a huge blank stretch of wall. The blank space was prime real estate next to the TV in the living room. It begged the question, what’s going in that space? My son explained, “Oh, we all saved that for the Paraguayan flag. Our final roommate is from Paraguay so we saved that space for his flag. We wanted to surprise him so we ordered a Paraguayan flag online. There is more than one kind of Paraguayan flag so we stalked his Facebook page to see if there was a picture of one that he had posted. We finally found one and ordered that one. We plan to hang it on the wall and surprise him with it when he gets here tomorrow. We’re also going to clean up the place.”

These three college students took the time to find the right flag and welcome the last roommate to his new home. They thought of someone else, relinquished the best space, and showed kindness, pure and simple.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Humans are judgy beings – whether we should or shouldn’t, we do. It takes just 4 seconds to make a first impression on someone you meet, and 4 minutes to create a lasting impression. Only 7% of what people initially think about us is from what we are actually saying. 38% of their perception of us comes from the quality of our voice, grammar, and confidence. The other 55% is based on how we dress, act, and walk. People ask only two things when they meet us. Can I trust this person? Can I respect this person?

The impression that your child gives to peers, teachers, and the world around them is important. You can teach your child to make a good impression on others with these hints:

1. Smile. That is the most important thing you can do. Not in a forced, creepy way, but a genuine smile that goes along with a “hello,” or “hey, what’s up?”
2. Cleanliness. Good hygiene, combed hair, and clothes that are fashionable and fit well. If your child struggles socially, a poor physical appearance can only makes things more difficult.
3. Confidence. Practice with your child how to stand tall, with their shoulders back and not hunched. They should practice speaking in a confident tone of voice that is loud enough to hear, but not too loud. Confidence can be increased by teaching your child how to stand in a superhero pose for two minutes (privately). This is one area where some kids may have to “fake it until they make it” and it’s important to do so. Confident kids are less likely to be picked on or bullied.
4. Engage. Face people when they are talking to you. If eye contact is difficult for your child, tell them to focus on a spot on the person’s forehead. The other person will not be able to tell the difference.
5. Trustworthiness. It’s important that peers know that your child is trustworthy and honest. Cheating at games doesn’t make a good impression. Being sneaky doesn’t make a good impression. It is also crucial that your child learn to understand that reliability and consistency in their reactions and choices is all part of making a continuous good impression on classmates and peers.

Here is a video on helping kids see the difference between a good first impression and a poor one: First Impressions

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
As we start a new school year, social groups have also begun and we start off by asking kids what would they like to improve on in this school year. One teen girl admitted that she would like to learn how to tell when she should stop talking. She’s not aware of the nonverbal cues the listener might be giving.
1. Assess the listeners interest in the topic – if someone loves Harry Potter and wants to talk about it in great detail, the first step is to find out how interested the other person is in Harry Potter. The amount of discussion on a a topic should match the level of interest of the other person.
2. Give a summary and then see if more information is needed – people who like to talk a lot tend to give many more details than are necessary for the story. Some of this can be driven by and OCD-like need to include all the parts of a story. Pre-think the key points and tell only those, then stop and see if the other person asks for more details.
3. Watch for signs of boredom – facial expressions, leaning away, becoming fidgety are all signs that someone is getting bored.
4. Remember to listen – the old saying “you have two ears and one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you speak” has merit. If you realize that you have been talking for a while and the other person isn’t, then it’s time to stop and give them space to add to the conversation.
Conversation skills take practice and there will be times when you realize that you’ve been doing a lot of talking. It’s completely fine to say, “oh gosh, I just realized that I am yakking away over here and haven’t asked about you! What do you think?”

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

When I (Donna) was recently teaching a sportsmanship workshop at my center, the old idiom of stealing someone’s thunder came up in the conversation. We’ve all had our thunder stolen. I think it’s a thing that we humans frequently do to each other. Sometimes, on purpose, but many times, not really realizing this is what is happening. Don’t we all have people in our lives that if you tell them something fun or good that you are doing or have done, they have an even better or more interesting story about the same thing? What are the ways we steal each other’s thunder?

• One-upping. This is when you tell somebody something and they either have something or done something bigger or better.
• Hijacking. This is when you start to tell your story or idea and the conversation gets turned around to the other person’s story or idea.
• Put-downs. This is just plain old mean and belittles the other person.

For some people, this is a habit that they’ve gotten into. It’s something that we could all pay more attention to in our conversations and interactions with others. Instead of stealing thunder, we would do better by enhancing each other’s joy of the moment. Your story is for another day and another time. Today it’s someone else’s turn to shine.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Walking into a new social setting can be intimidating and even anxiety-provoking. If you don’t know the people who are going to be there and they don’t know you, it takes courage and effort to show who you are and get to know them. It can be particularly difficult if you have had negative interactions with peers in the past. At this time of year, kids are stepping on to school buses with unscuffed sneakers and shiny new lunch boxes ready for a new school year. The way that they look, and I’m not talking about their actual appearance, matters in how they are perceived by potential new friends.
1. If feeling scared, kids might tend to have an uncertain or even sad look on their face. Paying attention to their expression and having them think of puppies or something that makes them feel smiley can help to create a friendlier expression.
2. Walking with their shoulders back and head up conveys a level of confidence that they can fake if they don’t actually feel confident. Others are more likely to be drawn to someone who appears to be self-assured.
3. The tone of voice used when meeting someone new can also leave a positive or negative impression. Others can tell if you’re smiling even if they are talking to you on the phone and can’t see your face. Tone should be upbeat and friendly sounding and not gruff or sad if they can help it.
Children and teens might need to be reminded that the past does not determine their future. If they have had difficulty with friendships in the past that does not mean that they will always have a hard time making friends. Encourage them to practice a friendly expression in the mirror at home, use a light-hearted tone when talking to other and think optimistically that they will find new friends this school year.
If kids and teens present themselves as someone who is open to friendship by having a pleasant demeanor, they just might make some new friends to go with those shiny new shoes.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Each social skills group that we run has its own unique energy and vibe. The feel environment is driven by the people in the room. Too quiet an environment can feel too stifling or leave you feeling like a spotlight is on you should you choose to talk. Groups with nothing but high energy can feel too chaotic for too long. The ideal balance is a healthy level of energy and noise without being overwhelming. It’s where you don’t have to shout to be heard but that sharing doesn’t feel like an echo chamber.

When in a group of people, regardless of your natural energy level, most people read the room and adjust. The more quiet people will feel comfortable enough to contribute while the high energy types keep their volume and body movements toned down as to not overwhelm.

When this balance is out of whack, the group as a whole might feel uncomfortable. Noticing the vibe and then reacting to it is an important social skill. As coaches, we will try to bring the energy up by introducing a hot conversation topic or an active game. If energy is feeling chaotic, we’ll calm it down with a board game or mindfulness exercise.

Practice reading the energy level with your child or teen. Create a rating system that makes sense for you. Number scales or colors make great rating tools. For example, if at a restaurant, the energy feels quiet, it might be a 3 on a 1-10 scale or maybe it feels “blue”. Discuss ways to adjust energy to blend with the room.

Reading it accurately takes practice and adjusting to it likely even more practice but learning to jive with the vibe will help everyone feel comfortable with being together as a group.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

As our bullying workbook launches, I’ve been thinking about the kids that I have met as a social coach that, for whatever reason, lead in their peer interactions with an attitude of meanness. It seems to be a part of their demeanor (and why they are with me working on improving their social skills). These kids shoot nasty remarks from their mouth before they even know the entire scenario they are reacting to. An example: one kid touches something the other kid had been using, and then instead of checking in to see what the other child is doing, they start screaming that someone is “stealing” their stuff. The other kid who was just interested in something that had been left sitting there looks hurt and bewildered.

These kids will say mean things that go way above the need for the situation. You will also hear a lot of, “You’re cheating!” or something along those lines when things don’t go their way. I’ve had kids say things that I won’t repeat here, but suffice it to say; it can be evident why these kids don’t have many friends. They also don’t have a lot of social collateral to begin with, and are frequently a provocative victim. These are kids who may appear to be bullies themselves but don’t have the social know-how that real bullies have and become victims themselves when they push the limits of what other kids can take from them.

I also observe that many of these kids are either fully aware of what they are doing and seem to enjoy being mean and the reaction they receive; yet others are completely unaware of how they come across to other kids. I talk to them about how being “nice” gets “nice” in return and being “mean” gets “mean” in return. We can also describe to kids the actions or behaviors that are problematic by saying things such as, “that sounded mean, did you want to sound that way?” or “that (action) was very unkind, it will be tough to make friends if you keep doing (action).”

Over my 17+ years as a social coach, while I have worked with kids who consistently choose to be mean over nice, I have also seen kids be able to recognize their de” mean” or, turn it around, and develop better peer relationships.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Talking strong is delivered in a moderate volume voice with shoulders back, a stand-up-straight posture with head up and a confident look on the face. A strong voice may be a bit lower in pitch than a joking voice would be, but it is not at the level of shouting. Take a few moments to practice talking strong with your child by mimicking a weak voice, followed by a too-strong, nearly shouting voice and then settle into the voice in the middle that is confident and strong.

Walking strong is essential for kids to understand and practice. When teaching kids this skill, we have the kids walk around the room with us in three different ways. First, we have the kids walk the way someone who gives the appearance of a victim or under-confident person would walk. A victim body posture would be small steps, shoulders caved inward and hunched over with a worried, meek or sad look on the face.

Next, we have kids do the exact opposite and walk with maximum swagger as if they are way too cool for school. We generally get lots of strutting around at this point in the exercise and, of course, a lot of giggling.

Then, we settle everyone into a walk that is in-between victim and swagger. Here we teach the kids to hold their shoulders back, and heads up high, but not too high. Take steps with purpose but no stomping. Hands are relaxed and may be put in pockets or thumbs hooked on pocket edges, belt loops, or lightly crossed in front. The walk may include the tiniest bit of swagger.

By practicing the look and sound of walking and talking strong (and we encourage kids to fake-it-until-you-make-it), your child will become less likely to be the target of a bully and will build his or her inner confidence.

For more on how to prevent bullying and managing conflict, Bully Busting and Managing Meanies: Tips for Kids on Managing Conflict is coming August 19th to Amazon.com.

Click this link for an interesting Ted Talk about the research that explains why this is effective.