By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Teenagers who have social struggles sometimes have no awareness of their challenges. As adults, we watch them implode, socially cringing all the while. Observing these interactions can be much like witnessing a car accident on the highway. You see the person veering into the next lane oblivious to the pending crash and the innocent driver who stayed in his lane, about to become the victim of the accident. Sometimes the person who caused the collision denies any accountability and might double down on how it was the other guy’s fault. Teens do the same thing when social interactions go awry. They will claim that everyone in their class is a jerk or all the guys on the team are mean. If your teen is saying this across many different groups such as scouts, sports, gym class, science lab, and on and on, then it might not be all the other kids who are jerks all the time. There might be something that the teen is doing to elicit adverse reactions from others. When approached on this topic, many teens will deny it and “I’ve got this, Mom” or “You don’t understand, I’m just joking” or “I don’t mean it THAT way.”

But we know that, in reality, they don’t “got it.” Telling them this can feel as though we are diminishing them and hurting their feelings, so we soften how we explain it. But if we are too soft, they might stay in that lane of denial. We see the problem, and we know that they don’t understand the way they are coming across. This issue will not resolve unless the teen is on board with listening to a social coach, counselor, or parent. In this case, we need to be both loving and caring, but also firm and let them know; they don’t “got it” and getting some help could help change at least some of those “jerks” into friends.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

About a year ago, I (Nadine) had two teen boys in a social group together who did not get along. Despite their obvious dislike for one another, they gravitated toward each other each week. Boy A enjoyed needling Boy B and Boy B was very reactive to the needling, causing a combustible reaction between them. Their interactions definitely made the group dynamic complicated and oftentimes difficult. It certainly crossed my mind to separate the two boys into different groups, however, what I decided to do is keep them together so they could learn how not to needle and how not to be over reactive. As much as having them together was unpleasant for all of us, it was literally the best thing for them. We spent the better part of a year working with Boy A’s urge to needle others. He enjoyed it when he got a rise out of someone and did not understand that interacting in this manner would have a negative impact on his ability to make friends. He was coached on various other ways to interact with Boy B. On the flip side we worked with the Boy B so that he was able to recognize when someone was teasing him in a playful way versus trying to upset him. He learned temper his reactions over the course of many months.

The tendency for many people is to remove themselves and their kids from uncomfortable situations. No one enjoys discomfort, of course, but sometimes it is in those moments when lifelong learning can occur. In this case, this toxic mix of these two boys provided the environment where both learned to co-exist with the other. They will never be friends, but by being together, they are now have a better chance of making future friends.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Teens who are of working age should try to obtain paid employment if possible during the summer. Working can build self-esteem and teach teens responsibility, work ethic, tolerance, money and time management, etc.

Here are 15 tips for teens looking for summer employment:

1. Apply for jobs that suit the way your brain works – if you have a terrible short term memory, a sub shop might not be the best fit for you. Landscaping might be an option.
2. Be wary of jobs that have constant temptation – if you love chocolate and could literally eat it all day every day, a candy store might not be the best choice. Maybe a clothing store would be less tempting.
3. Consider how much movement you need – if you need frequent movement breaks during the school year, watch out of jobs where you sit all day such as a receptionist.
4. Check feasibility – consider your schedule and your ability to get a ride to and from your job. Make sure that your family isn’t doing a lot of trips if you’re trying to get a job.
5. Prepare for what you might be asked in an interview – practice prior to your interview.
6. Think of the key thing you want them to know about you – think of this ahead of time so you don’t have to come up with it at the moment the question is asked.
7. Things NOT to ask about– money or time off.
8. Dress for success – even if you’re overdressed, that’s okay.
9. Filter your thoughts – this can be really hard, especially if you’re nervous. Take your meds if you use them before an interview.
10. Don’t “gush” – even if you love the job or the interviewer and really want to learn from them, resist the urge to “gush” on them.
11. Names matter – do not call the interviewer by the wrong name.
12. Handshakes matter – strong, couple of pumps, don’t mention sweaty hands even if you have them.
13. Don’t say anything gross – see above example about sweaty hands
14. Be ready to work – hard. No complaining and no push back.
15. Deal with injustices with grace – don’t be the one who loses it if things seem unfair. Calmly discuss issues when things go wrong.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Finding the right tone to strike when defending a belief can be tricky and, quite honestly, takes a lot of practice. If the topic is a hot button for you, it can be hard to keep anger in check when someone offends you. Or if you tend to be very averse to any kind of confrontation, you might be tempted to just let it go and not defend your belief.

I (Nadine) feel that striking a balance between the two approaches is a goal that will satisfy both the desire to defend but not to argue. As the mom of a daughter with Down syndrome, I have had to defend her on countless occasions. Sometimes I have done it awkwardly and probably ineffectively and other times I have been able to strike the right balance. I do know one thing for sure; not defending her is not an option. I would rather live with others disliking me than me disliking myself.

In working with teenagers, they inevitably are going to use the r-word now and again. Since I have had to address the use of this particular version of hate speech so often that, sadly, I am quite experienced. So when it was said just last week, it was routine for me. We sit down on a bean bag and I explain. I don’t get angry but I am also crystal clear. This is my center, that language offends me and it will not be allowed here and let me tell you why. I pull out my phone and show a photo of my beautiful daughter. She is why it is not allowed and she is why my social skills center exists. I always tell the teen that if they should ever be so lucky to meet my daughter, the words that they should say to her are “thank you.”