By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Making meaningful connections is critical to developing friendship with others. The conversation must go beyond the initial greeting. Most of the kids, teens and young adults we work with don’t know what to say after “hey, what’s up” has been said. They don’t necessarily know how to react when a friend tells them something that is important or exciting to them. Case in point, when I (Nadine) shared something that I thought was exciting with various social groups. It went something like this.

“Hey guys! Check out what happened to me today!”

How do you think they reacted? They didn’t, so I went on.

“I saw a bobcat in my backyard this morning! I have video of it peeing in my garden!”

Guess what? Still no response. Not one person asked to see the video of the bobcat in my garden.
The reaction should have been something like “Oh my gosh! Seriously? Can I see the video?!” but that is not what any of them did. Clearly this set up the main point for what I wanted them to understand. Even if you truly don’t care what is exciting to someone else, you should engage with that person. Share in their excitement and ask questions to show that you are engaged in their lives. It doesn’t matter if you care about the bobcat, but it does matter that you show you care that it matters to them.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

It’s the week of jack-o-lanterns, costumes, candy, and scary fun. For those kids who participate in Halloween festivities, the excitement can be almost too much to bear this week. Every year, in these few days before the holiday, we notice a palpable escalation of the inability to manage that excitement. You may experience that your child is having a tough time this week. And they are.

The kids in my social group yesterday were over the top in their loudness, inability to listen to directions, and demonstrated exponentially increased behavior challenges over what I typically see. My staff and I pretty much (as we do every year) throw up our hands and remove our usual expectations, because at this juncture, the kids truly can’t meet them.

The kids knew that they were out of control. When I sat down to dismiss them and give them a Halloween treat, several of them felt that they weren’t going to get one because of the challenges we had during the entire group session. We went over some of the things that we knew went wrong. I explained to them that in this instance, I understood what was going on. My friendship (and their Halloween treat) was unconditional.

Most kids have a difficult time containing their excitement during this holiday. Kids who have social struggles and self-modulation challenges have an almost impossible time keeping it together this week. We, as adults, need to be unconditional and more patient during this week of tricks and treats.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

One of the most common friendship struggles we see at our social skills centers is that kids/teens don’t understand that friendships need balance. If someone goes to the movie you wanted to see, then the next time, you might go see the movie that your friend prefers. To be a good friend, there is an ongoing check and balance calculation that most people do without really thinking about it. Others need to really work at evaluating the balance in a relationship. Even those who tend to do a fairly decent job of monitoring this can sometimes get out of whack.

In Donna’s and my business relationship, we discuss the division of tasks as though they were household chores. We’ll often say things like “I’ve got the laundry if you have the dishes.” Last week, Donna had the laundry. She washed, fluffed, folded and was all caught up on her laundry. I, however, have a sink full of dishes. I am behind on what I am supposed to do.

In healthy relationships where there is that constant give and take, the other person does not become angry when there is an imbalance. They develop a trust over time so they know that, even though they are totally caught up with their tasks, the other will do what they are supposed to do. For me, that means that I need to roll up my sleeves and get busy on those dishes. Donna trusts that I will and I will always do my best to never let her down because that’s what it takes to maintain strong friendships.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I think that we all believe that in our culture, there is a definite uptick in anxiety in our children and teens. We have a pretty good pulse on what causes kids to worry. We talked about this in a previous blog back in May of this year.

Then came a surprise to me over the past week or two. Maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Kids were telling me that they were searching on Google or other search engines for information that tended to make their anxiety worse. One example was a 10-year-old who was getting her flu shot and went searching for the chance of dying from getting a flu shot. There are young, I mean young, children that are looking online for symptoms of depression, information on germs (this can only feed OCD tendencies), and more. “What if” thinking can quickly turn into “what if” searching.

As an adult who struggles with anxiety myself (Donna), at its height, I was one of those medical Googlers, convincing myself that I had some horrible medical issues when, in truth, it was symptoms of anxiety. So Googling increased the fear, which then exacerbated the symptoms. A vicious cycle.

If you have a child that struggles with anxiety, especially around their health or the health of their family members, please check-in to see if they are Googling these topics. It’s so easy for kids to search online, and we know how much of it is sensationalism or false information. Access to this much information at a young age can be too much to handle for a child. With that information right at their fingertips, they could be Googling up their anxiety.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

When kids are being teased and harassed, they become so angry and upset that many of them start plotting their revenge on the offender. It can feel great in the planning stage as they imagine all the ways that they will “show them a thing or two” or “teach them a lesson they won’t soon forget.” Fantasizing about such revenge is fine if it makes the victim feel better, but acting out on those thoughts is not recommended.

The person who started the conflict or who is bullying another will quickly learn that their tactics have been effective when the victim tries to seek revenge. Chances are, the perpetrator is not going to care whatever the victim says or does. The victim is trying to show strength in this way but is, in reality, indicating weakness.

Acting like they don’t care, even when it’s making them crazy, takes power away from the perpetrator. Vengeance does not. Many times when kids try to seek revenge, they are the ones who are caught in the act by adults and get reprimanded. Despite screams of “he started it!” adults will likely react to what they observed and not the claims of any individual child.

Our advice is for all kids to practice their “what ev” face and body language. Not caring what others say or do is truly the best revenge.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Check out our latest book, Bully Busting and Managing Meanies: Tips for Kids on Managing Conflict available on Amazon.com

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) recently experienced a loss of what Nadine and I refer to as our “sparkle.” That positive vibe that we bring to life and the resilience skills that we both have honed over the years. Life hasn’t been a piece a cake for either of us, but we are usually pretty adept at waiting for the tide to change and solving whatever problems come our way.

I found myself over the last few weeks of summer and all through September having what I think of as “sewer thoughts.” I’d think about one of the multiple things that haven’t been going well recently, and then my brain would just go down the drain and pile on more and more rotten thoughts. I felt a loss of hope, a deep dislike of humanity, and anger that came from what I could see as solvable problems, but one’s that I had absolutely no control over. It came to a head when I found myself oversharing my sewer thoughts in a completely inappropriate social setting. That was a wake up call that I needed to do what I coach all of our young clients to do, find a way out of the sewer.

How do you do that? In several blogs, we’ve talked about the basics of positive psychology. Be grateful. Look for the good. Understand what you do and do not have control over, and make decisions based on what you have to work with. Positive psychology is not all about sunshine and unicorns. It is a way to maintain your grit and mental health when everything in your sphere seems to be playing against you. Put your own mental health ahead of what issues are attempting to suck you into the sewer. Do what you can do, and let go of what you do not have control over. Don’t get me wrong, there is sometimes sadness and loss involved with letting go, but processing sadness is much better then becoming stuck in the sewer.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

My son (Nadine’s), Trent is a college junior and he rented an on-campus apartment with 3 other guys this year. Three of the four roommates moved in two weeks before the last guy because of preseason sports and other commitments. The 4th roommate is from Paraguay and I visit the day before his arrival.

Flags decorated the walls of the main living space with each flag representing one the guys who lives there. There is a Red Sox flag for the baseball fan, police flag for the criminal justice majors, corvette flag for the car enthusiast and a huge blank stretch of wall. The blank space was prime real estate next to the TV in the living room. It begged the question, what’s going in that space? My son explained, “Oh, we all saved that for the Paraguayan flag. Our final roommate is from Paraguay so we saved that space for his flag. We wanted to surprise him so we ordered a Paraguayan flag online. There is more than one kind of Paraguayan flag so we stalked his Facebook page to see if there was a picture of one that he had posted. We finally found one and ordered that one. We plan to hang it on the wall and surprise him with it when he gets here tomorrow. We’re also going to clean up the place.”

These three college students took the time to find the right flag and welcome the last roommate to his new home. They thought of someone else, relinquished the best space, and showed kindness, pure and simple.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Humans are judgy beings – whether we should or shouldn’t, we do. It takes just 4 seconds to make a first impression on someone you meet, and 4 minutes to create a lasting impression. Only 7% of what people initially think about us is from what we are actually saying. 38% of their perception of us comes from the quality of our voice, grammar, and confidence. The other 55% is based on how we dress, act, and walk. People ask only two things when they meet us. Can I trust this person? Can I respect this person?

The impression that your child gives to peers, teachers, and the world around them is important. You can teach your child to make a good impression on others with these hints:

1. Smile. That is the most important thing you can do. Not in a forced, creepy way, but a genuine smile that goes along with a “hello,” or “hey, what’s up?”
2. Cleanliness. Good hygiene, combed hair, and clothes that are fashionable and fit well. If your child struggles socially, a poor physical appearance can only makes things more difficult.
3. Confidence. Practice with your child how to stand tall, with their shoulders back and not hunched. They should practice speaking in a confident tone of voice that is loud enough to hear, but not too loud. Confidence can be increased by teaching your child how to stand in a superhero pose for two minutes (privately). This is one area where some kids may have to “fake it until they make it” and it’s important to do so. Confident kids are less likely to be picked on or bullied.
4. Engage. Face people when they are talking to you. If eye contact is difficult for your child, tell them to focus on a spot on the person’s forehead. The other person will not be able to tell the difference.
5. Trustworthiness. It’s important that peers know that your child is trustworthy and honest. Cheating at games doesn’t make a good impression. Being sneaky doesn’t make a good impression. It is also crucial that your child learn to understand that reliability and consistency in their reactions and choices is all part of making a continuous good impression on classmates and peers.

Here is a video on helping kids see the difference between a good first impression and a poor one: First Impressions

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
As we start a new school year, social groups have also begun and we start off by asking kids what would they like to improve on in this school year. One teen girl admitted that she would like to learn how to tell when she should stop talking. She’s not aware of the nonverbal cues the listener might be giving.
1. Assess the listeners interest in the topic – if someone loves Harry Potter and wants to talk about it in great detail, the first step is to find out how interested the other person is in Harry Potter. The amount of discussion on a a topic should match the level of interest of the other person.
2. Give a summary and then see if more information is needed – people who like to talk a lot tend to give many more details than are necessary for the story. Some of this can be driven by and OCD-like need to include all the parts of a story. Pre-think the key points and tell only those, then stop and see if the other person asks for more details.
3. Watch for signs of boredom – facial expressions, leaning away, becoming fidgety are all signs that someone is getting bored.
4. Remember to listen – the old saying “you have two ears and one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you speak” has merit. If you realize that you have been talking for a while and the other person isn’t, then it’s time to stop and give them space to add to the conversation.
Conversation skills take practice and there will be times when you realize that you’ve been doing a lot of talking. It’s completely fine to say, “oh gosh, I just realized that I am yakking away over here and haven’t asked about you! What do you think?”

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

When I (Donna) was recently teaching a sportsmanship workshop at my center, the old idiom of stealing someone’s thunder came up in the conversation. We’ve all had our thunder stolen. I think it’s a thing that we humans frequently do to each other. Sometimes, on purpose, but many times, not really realizing this is what is happening. Don’t we all have people in our lives that if you tell them something fun or good that you are doing or have done, they have an even better or more interesting story about the same thing? What are the ways we steal each other’s thunder?

• One-upping. This is when you tell somebody something and they either have something or done something bigger or better.
• Hijacking. This is when you start to tell your story or idea and the conversation gets turned around to the other person’s story or idea.
• Put-downs. This is just plain old mean and belittles the other person.

For some people, this is a habit that they’ve gotten into. It’s something that we could all pay more attention to in our conversations and interactions with others. Instead of stealing thunder, we would do better by enhancing each other’s joy of the moment. Your story is for another day and another time. Today it’s someone else’s turn to shine.