Social Coaching | HowToMakeAndKeepFriends.com

Five Tips on How to Turn the “Gimmes” into the “Givees” this Holiday Season

December 10, 2018 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

The holiday season is a time to celebrate and spend time with family and friends. For those who celebrate Christmas and Hanukah, it’s also a gift-giving season. The holidays can bring out the “gimmes” in some children. With a focus on gift giving, kids are asked “what do you want for the holidays?” and “what do you hope to get for Christmas/Hannakah this year?” Society as a whole is focused on shopping and acquiring the right gifts for everyone on their list. Kids can barely sleep on Christmas Eve as they think about the excitement of waking up to a load of gifts under their trees. We all tend to get a bit “wrapped up” (pun intended!).

So how do parents slide the scale from the gimmes to the gives? Here are some tips:

Focus on gratitude – people who take the time to reflect on all that they have to be grateful for tend to be more optimistic and happy. Gratitude jars, listing 3 good things and why each day and gratitude journals are all ways to stay focused on the good things kids already have in their lives and not just on the toys and games that kids want.
Play imagine if… – ask kids to truly imagine what would it be like to not have enough to eat or proper clothes for the weather or a place to live. Some kids might not realize that there are people who are homeless or who live in shelters. Helping out at a charity is a great way to show them the benefits of altruism for everyone. Those whom they help will be better off and the helpers get a mood booster too.
Toy drives – encourage your child to include a list of toys and games to donate to a toy drive. Ask
Photo and scarf bomb credit: Val Overton-Moore

them to help out around the house to earn money to those toys and have them physically walk in to drop the toys in at the drive.
Random acts of kindness – many of you might have seen Donna’s video to share a smile. Think about what type of random act of kindness your child could do. Several websites create monthly calendars with ideas for acts of kindness.
Secret Santa – have your child make a gift or an ornament and leave it in someone’s mailbox. I belong to a Facebook group where one woman “scarf bombed” a church and a homeless shelter. She made each scarf by hand and left a note on each one that the finder of the scarf was welcome to take it. I can only imagine how excited she felt to leave those precious handmade gifts for strangers to enjoy.

This holiday season, we hope that your children can take a moment to think of someone less fortunate and get the happiness boost that comes when the “gimmes” turn into the “givees”.

Middle School IS Awkward

November 12, 2018 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

As I chatted with a new-to-my-social-group and middle school 6th grader, words came to mind. Awkward. Self-conscious. Body-conscious. Anxious. Friends who are no longer friends. Drama. Dark moods and crying jags or just feeling “bleh.” The beginnings of attraction to other people in new ways. Parents.

As she talked, I listened. I also traveled back in time. And as I did, I remembered that I felt EXACTLY the same way. We all did. But we also all thought that no one else felt that way. No else had the weirdest of thoughts. No one else felt uncomfortable in their own skin. No one else felt sad for no reason or worried so much.

If there is anything that we can pass along to our middle school or junior high school kids, is that AWKWARD is the norm for this time of life. Please share the below with a tween or teen that you love:

It is normal to:

Be super self-conscious about everything, including your body, or lose a little confidence in yourself right now. This is due to the changes your body going through to mature to an adult. Do the best you can to treat your body right while it goes through this major shift. Use good personal hygiene, dress in clean clothes, try to eat at least 80% healthy and move around a little for exercise.
Have mood swings. You feel sad one minute, happy the next. Dark places and spaces are normal. What’s NOT normal is if the dark moods don’t lift and you don’t enjoy what you used to enjoy. It is also NOT normal to think about hurting yourself or other people. If you are having those kinds of thoughts, tell a trusted adult, now.
Change friends. As you get older, you may have less in common with old elementary school friends and more in common with new ones. Everyone is trying on new friends right now. There is a LOT of group switching in middle school.
Feel anxious. And if you are already kind of an anxious person, it is normal for it to get pretty bad right around now. You will have weird thoughts and weird worries. I had some SUPER weird ones that I share with kids this age. Try to remember this: No worry is too weird and never worry alone. If you have thoughts stuck in your head that are weird or driving you crazy, this is where a trusted adult can be helpful.
Be attracted to other people. Some of the people you are attracted to might surprise you. This can also be a confusing time as your brain works on figuring things out along with your body. It is completely normal to feel confused or strongly attracted to a crush. A hint that we can give you is to be friends first. You may decide to take the risk to let your crush know how you feel. That is brave. It is important to understand that if your crush doesn’t feel the same way in return, that it just wasn’t meant to be and to stay friends. Believe us, there will be many people that come into your life after middle school.
Be in conflict with your parents. It is also very normal for you to have a somewhat love-hate relationship with your parents right now. You are probably wanting more freedom and not getting it yet. You are in the middle stage of still being your parents’ child and someone who is mature enough for more responsibility. As crummy as it is, your parents are doing their job looking out for you right now.

I told this 6th-grader that I remembered the worst of it as being the middle school years and into the beginning of freshman year. I told her that by 10th grade, most of this stuff was well past and we were on to more fully become the people that we were to eventually be, with the friends that we were meant to have. Please let our young teens know that we were all once there. And even though you cannot see it in peers and friends, there isn’t one of them that isn’t experiencing the same struggles, even though it might not look like it on the outside. Every middle schooler, and we do mean every, is feeling awkward on the inside.

Have a middle-schooler that could benefit from even more advice and tips? Check out our book for tweens and teens, available for FREE through Friday in the Kindle version.

“Would You Like to Hang Out Sometime?” – 6 Steps for Success

November 5, 2018 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

“Would You Like to Hang Out Sometime?” – 6 Steps for Success

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to ask someone that question. Before taking this bold step toward friendship, here are steps to laying the groundwork to enhance your chances for a positive outcome.

Consider if you’ve spent time with this person in a place where you’ve had a chance to socialize. It might not be enough just to sit next to that person in class you want to be sure you’ve had social moments together.
Consider if those social moments together have been positive, awkward or if you’re unsure about how they’ve gone. If they’ve been awkward or your unsure, you might need more time to develop the groundwork before asking them if they want to hang out.
Consider what you would do together if they said yes. You’ll want to make sure you have common interests to make hanging out together less awkward and more enjoyable.
If you take this brave step in the person says yes, awesome! If you take this brave step and the person says no or has another reason as to why they can’t, regroup and continue to lay the groundwork. It can be hard to tell if someone is legitimately busy or if they are not ready to hang out just yet. One surefire way to tell that they are legitimately busy is if they suggest an alternative date to hang out.
If someone says that they are too busy to hang out, don’t automatically assume that they dislike you. Often times people who have anxiety will jump to conclusions when, in fact, the person might just be busy.
If they do say yes, still proceed with caution. By that we mean don’t refer to them as your best friend or start to hang out with them every second of the day or become too clingy. Even though they’ve said yes, they still might need some space and some time to get to know you.

Friendship takes quite a bit of effort. It takes effort to lay the groundwork in order to be able to ask someone to hang out and, once they do agree to hang out with you, still go slow with that person so if you can develop a true lasting friendship.

How We Prepare for a Teen Competition

April 30, 2018 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

An epic battle is coming this Friday. Nadine’s center, Simply Social Kids, is hosting Donna’s center, The Peter Pan Center for a game of teen trivia. Team SSK and Team PPC will go head to head on questions
about pop culture, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and general trivia.

It promises to be an interesting night merging the two groups of teens. The evening will be a mix of excitement and anxiety. Our goal is always to help kids find new friends and we certainly will encourage them to branch out as they meet new people. As social coaches, it is our job to anticipate the issues that might arise during the night and prepare. That means, this week in each of the teen groups we will need to address the “what if” questions that we know will come up:

What if you don’t know the answer?
What if you disagree with the answer?
What if you are the team member who is supposed to say the final answer and someone else blurts it out before you have a chance?
What if the team doesn’t choose your answer as the final one?
What if you begin to feel like something is unfair?
What if you begin to feel frustrated or even angry?
What if you really wanted to win but don’t?
What if the team that wins whoops with excitement?

I can guarantee you that with all the social coaches that will be in the room, there will be expert eyes watching for potential hotspots. We know who might have a harder time with all of the above. We know who can “lock” down with intense rigidity. We will prepare them, remind them and privately keep our fingers crossed that the event if the fun experience we hope it to be.

When do the adults come into “play?”

March 25, 2018 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I’ve spent several pleasant mornings and evenings in the month of March presenting workshops for various extended school day programs. I love talking to these groups because we have so much in common. We, as adults who enjoy the company of kids, are also the front line connection to helping kids learn the important lessons that encompass social-emotional learning.

For those of us in our generation, we remember coming home from school and being sent outside to play. Out there, in the wild, is where many of us learned what worked and what didn’t when it came to peer interactions. If I was bossy or too controlling, the neighborhood kids would go home. If I wasn’t nice, they weren’t nice. We chanted “sticks and stones.” We learned how to avoid the “bullies.” Our parents didn’t have a direct connection to where we were or what we were doing.

These days, the after-school life of kids is typically vastly different than what we experienced. There are many more opportunities for learning more about specific interests, organized sports, etc. Many families with both parents working are utilizing the terrific folks at after-school programs. With this change though, there are more adults in a child’s life than there used to be. Kids are well-supervised in their after school interactions. There is the benefit of less risk of physical injury, making sure homework is done and having an adult intervene when problems arise. Certainly, I can think of several childhood experiences in my own life out in the wild that I wish an adult had been available for help and guidance.

There is, however, a different risk, that might not be so beneficial to kids. At these workshops, we’ve discussed the tendency of kids to rely on adults to solve all of their problems, even the small ones. Many children are not developing the coping skills needed to deal with adversity.

The discussions turned to just how much adults should involve themselves in the play of children. Where do we step in and where do we step back? Personally, I think it is a balance that can be managed when done purposefully. It’s important when observing kids in moments of conflict or adversity (that isn’t physical or aggressive) to wait and see what they are capable of in terms of problem-solving. And then, if needed, teach them to problem solve, rather than solve it for them. And if it isn’t a problem that can be solved the way a child wants or demands it be solved, teach them the coping skills necessary to overcome the moment or the challenge. Resilience is built one coping thought at a time.

A Slice of Perspective Pizza and a Free Downloadable Tip Sheet!

January 6, 2018 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

One of the prevalent social skills challenges we see in kids is the inability to see a perspective beyond their own at any given moment. And many times, their own perspective of a particular situation is inaccurate and leads to a bigger problem than what happened in the first place. Over and over again, we see a kid’s “hot” thought ruin an otherwise good time or friendly engagement with peers.

For example, in a case of one of my kids who is super sensitive to being touched, particularly unexpected touch, there have been several instances of social disaster. In one of these scenarios, it was a brush across the arm caused by the long swinging hair from one of the girls in the program. She didn’t even realize it had happened, as the kids were simply just playing. Unfortunately, his “hot” thought led him to misperceive the situation and he reacted as if it was a physical attack and offered an aggressive response. All of which led us down the slippery slope of de-escalation with him, and helping the unwitting victim work through what happened. All due to a simple misperception of intent, or even the lack of understanding that there was no intent at all.

When things had finally reached a point where we could talk, I asked him to think about situations like a pizza. In many instances, we only have one slice of pizza or one slice of information about what’s going on. Our brain responds and works to fill in the rest of the pizza, and there are times when our brain puts the wrong toppings on those other slices. I call them Assumption Anchovies (no offense to you anchovy lovers out there). Our conversation continued about how it’s better to take that slice of pizza that we have and stop to think about what types of toppings we should put on there. Maybe it’s just Plain Cheese and nothing needs to be said or done except to ignore it or let it go. Maybe it’s Perspective Pepperoni and we need to look at the issue from more than one angle. In all cases, it’s best to let that slice of pizza cool off before you bite into it and suffer a friendship burn.

FREE TIP SHEET ON PERSPECTIVE PIZZA – CLICK HERE

If you have a child who struggles with social situations, check out our book series, How to Make and Keep Friends.

Nadine Briggs, Director of Simply Social Kids and Donna Shea, Founder of the Peter Pan Center for Social and Emotional Growth are authors of the How to Make and Keep Friends books series. They specialize in creating simple tips that teach kids with social challenges the social language of friendship.

Connect with Briggs and Shea on www.howtomakeandkeepfriends.com, Twitter, and Facebook.

What’s your People Plan?

October 19, 2017 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) observe many kids in my social group that tend to gravitate toward an individual or isolating activity. This week, I had a couple of boys building structures, but separately. Kids at the Lego bins are intent on their creation and removed from their peers. Another gal is intently creating a work of art. The more social butterflies are playing a game and working on a different set of skills.

There is nothing wrong with being a happy introvert. However, the reality is that human beings are social on a grander scale, and learning to interact with the greater social world is essential for life, work and finding a life partner, if that is something one wants. I tell my happy introverts that they don’t need to have a ton of friends (that would be exhausting for a person who expends energy to socialize instead of gaining energy from other people), but that a couple of good ones will do (just in case one moves away).

Getting happy introverts to interact with the other kids at social groups comes down to a rational explanation that I give them to do so. I ask if they enjoy coming to the center, and they always say they do. I tell them the problem is that if they play alone, I will get fired by their parents. This statement always gets their full attention and a look of surprise. I explain that if they leave the social group and tell their mom or dad that they only played alone or did just Legos, that their mom or dad will say that they can do that at home and they won’t want to send them to play with us anymore. Every time, a kid says, “oh, okay” and moves off to find someone to engage with, or I help with a suggestion or support them joining in with some other kids that are doing something social and interesting.

After having this discussion, then when I see a kiddo playing in isolation, I do a quick check in by asking, “Hey there, (name of kid), what’s your People Plan for connecting with a human? One other human your size will do.” This little reminder usually brings a smile and prompts the child to engage with a peer on their own.

Going “in” to play, instead of “out” to play

September 11, 2017 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) had my 10-year-old granddaughter Maggie at our house for a sleepover a weekend or so ago. I love spending time with her. She’s just such a great kid. It’s been a shift for me watching her grow from her child self into the beginnings of her adolescent self. While I miss part of those little girl days, I love the new conversations we are having, and I learn so much from her about what it’s like to be a pre-teen these days. She talks to me a great deal about recess “drama,” the music she loves and the anime that has become a new passion in the last six months. She takes me back to my 5th-grade self, and I realize there are many similarities and many differences between her and I. Hanging up posters of heartthrobs, same. Spending hours in her room, writing down thoughts, daydreaming and listening to music, the same. Parents being embarrassing, the same. Life is all about her friends, that’s the same.

What’s different is how she interacts when she hangs out with her friends. While I rode my bike all over town to see my friends, she facetimes. While I spent time arguing with my sister over using the one phone in the house to call my friends to talk for hours on end, she talks to hers in a text-based way through apps and games they play together. She talks to me about online terms that I don’t understand – i.e., virtual cosplay (having your avatar dress up as a character from a movie, book, or video game, especially one from the Japanese genres of manga and anime). I have her teach me about apps. She laughs at me but shows me anyway. She tries to teach me how to take a selfie. As you can see from the picture, I have not yet gotten the hang of it, and likely never will.

We talked at length about my concerns about her being online so much instead of outside. Maggie explained to me that the places she goes to play games (such as Roblox), where she can play and talk to her friends at the same time, are the playground, backyard or neighborhood for them. They meet there, hang out, giggle and chat. In some ways, they are safer, and their parents know where they are. They go “in” to these online forums to play, rather than out to play. In other ways, I tell her I still feel they are missing out on something, and then I get teased about being old-fashioned. And maybe I am, but she loves me anyway. Maggie is still a well-rounded kid and tells me she likes going outside; she just doesn’t want to be told she HAS to go outside. We talk about balance. She shuts it off when requested to do so without complaint (well, maybe just a little complaining, she’s ten after all). She does not have any phone or texting capabilities as of yet, but in all honesty, that doesn’t seem to be a major part of what the kids are using online with each other considering all of the apps available to them. We talk about being trustworthy when she’s out in the big world of the web and not searching for content (especially on YouTube) that her parents wouldn’t approve of her watching. Maggie talks to me about how she knows how to cover her tracks by clearing her history, but she doesn’t break the rules because she doesn’t want to lose her privileges.

Maggie has an entire playscape available to her that, at her age, I couldn’t even begin to dream about when I was ten. She sees her friends at school, hangs out with them in person on a regular basis and demonstrates excellent social skills, so her going “in” to play seems to be most akin to the hours I spent on the phone, but with the ability to play together at the same time.

While I am a firm believer in making sure that kids maintain a balance between on and off-screen time, I am spending time listening to Maggie to understand how her world works in this digital age of friendships. It is different, but in many ways, just the same.

Give Hope a Chance: Support Friendship at the Start of the School Year

September 3, 2017 By Donna Shea Leave a Comment

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Each new school year brings the chance for kids to make new connections with potential friends. Parents look forward to their kids having a fresh start. They are hopeful that this year will bring the right mix of kids for their child to make friends. As your child hopped onto the bus on the first day of school, were your fingers crossed? We’ve been there.

As the saying goes, give hope a chance. If your child has had a history of social difficulties, hope may not be enough to ensure success this school year. In our experience, most families wait to provide social support when they hear concern from their child’s teacher at the October parent/teacher conferences. Some parents take action at that time to put support in place but others take longer to figure out next steps. Before they know it, the holidays are upon them and they don’t have the time to fit in an additional activity. Parent wait until the new year, and that’s when our phones ring like crazy for kids who need social support. By then, many months have passed for the child who hasn’t made any friends and our social groups are often filled. Your child might end up on a waiting list for social support.

We suggest giving your child support on the front end of the school year. If kids make friends and all is going well, then you can discontinue support at that point. Support can include lunch bunch, recess club, or an after school social skills group like Donna and I run in MA. Perhaps touch base with the school guidance counselor and ask them to check in regularly with your child. Or you can create a routine of reading a chapter each day from How to Make & Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges.

Being hopeful is great but not always enough. Feeling accepted and having friends is an important part of the school experience and your child’s happiness. Give your child the best chance for social success. Give hope a chance.

« Previous Page

Connect with Briggs and Shea on www.howtomakeandkeepfriends.com, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and Facebook.

Connect with Briggs and Shea on www.howtomakeandkeepfriends.com, Twitter, and Facebook.