By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Friendships don’t just happen. Well, maybe there is that occasional friendship at first sight. And even then, in order for that friendship to grow and continue, there has to be an effort. When kids are little, parents make the effort for them by scheduling playdates or befriending other moms. As kids grow, we should be teaching kids how to take over the reins of their friendships.

What should kids know about attaining, maintaining, and sustaining friendships?

1. In order to have a friend, you need to be friendly. A person who seems unapproachable will seldom be approached.
2. Make the first move. Throw out a non-commital friendship feeler. Something such as, “Hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” or “Do you like to swim? I’d like to have you over to my pool one of these days.” Gauge the reaction. A positive one means that the next step is to follow up with an actual invitation. A lukewarm or negative one means that they aren’t interested at this time and to throw that feeler out to someone else. Keep working. Keep throwing. It will eventually catch.
3. Keep scheduled playdates as much as a priority as a doctor’s appointment.
4. If a friend cancels plans, it is then up to them to re-schedule. You may want to make a 2-strike rule, but a friend who cancels more than twice without re-scheduling is not behaving like a friend.
5. There should be a balance of power in friendships. Both kids should have a fair shake at playing what they want to play or creating a plan for a playdate. One child should not always be giving in to another just to keep a friend. Kids can nicely but assertively speak up and say something such as, “We did what you wanted to do, so now it’s my turn to pick.” Friends who do not participate in give-and-take in a relationship are not willing to do the work of having a friend.
6. Friendship takes two, or three, or more. One person cannot be expected to carry the entire load of keeping the friendship going.

If you want something badly enough, such as having friends, you can make it happen. It doesn’t happen by sitting home and moping about not having friends. It doesn’t happen by not talking to anyone in your class. It doesn’t happen by magic. It takes work.

 

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

We’ve blogged many times about the reciprocal nature of friendship. As part of forming truly meaningful connections, each of us needs to decide which friendships deserve the most of our social energy. Especially during this pandemic, our energy might need to be conserved for really close friends.

For example, I (Nadine) tell kids all the time that having 100 friends would be exhausting. Trying to keep up with 100 people and to stay connected to their lives would be an impossible situation. By default, there would be those friends who get more of your attention and effort to keep in touch.

How do you decide?

1. Do they keep their commitments to you? – Less social energy should be given to those who never have time for you or who constantly cancel or even don’t reply to your attempts to connect.
2. Do they contact you or is it usually you who contacts them? – Friendships that tend to be slanted one way are not equal and might not deserve to get too much of your attention.
3. Do they check in on you when you’re having a hard time? – Definitely invest time in those who not only know what is going on your life but those who follow up with how you are doing.
4. Do they twist whatever you say to something negative? – some people will think you’re bragging when things are going well and complaining when things aren’t going so great. You can’t really “win” in this situation.
5. Do they come to you with problems but then are disinterested when you bring your problem to them? – It can feel so great to be able to help a friend who comes to you for support but if the occasion arises when you need them and they are not willing to do the same, then it might be time to shift your energy elsewhere.
6. Are they genuinely happy when good things happen to you? – It is really hard for a lot of people to be excited for others when things happen that are great for them. A true friend will be able to move beyond any envy and share in the excitement.

Friendships are so incredibly valuable. This has never been more true than it is now when our ability to socialize is being restricted. Getting together takes more planning and caution so spend that energy on those who value you as much as you value them.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Conversation skills are something that many parents ask us to work on when we are social coaching kids. The ability to initiate and sustain a conversation can prove a huge task, taking a large degree of effort, especially for kids with a known social communication difficulty. There are ways to break down a conversation into parts.

Conversations are made up of just two elements, comments and questions. So, kids need to learn to make a comment and ask a question. If you decide to practice this at home, two comments to each question is a good start, and then switch roles.

Some kids get stuck on asking questions. We can simplify this component by teaching kids that most questions in a conversation are WH questions. Who, What, When, Why, Where, Whose, Which, and How (which contains a W and an H).

A conversation practice session could go something like this:

1. Q: Who is your teacher next year? A: Mrs. Smith.
2. C: I hear she’s really nice. C: She doesn’t give a lot of homework.
3. Q: Where is your homeroom? A: On the second floor.
4. C: That must mean you are in 5th grade.
5. Q: When does school start in your town? A: September 8th.
6. C: I start on the 16th. C: It will be two days in school and three days at home.
7. Q: How do you get to school? A: I ride the bus.
8. C: My mom drives me.
9. Q: What is your favorite subject? A: Math
10. C: You must be good at math. C: I like science the best.

If your child struggles with conversation skills, have them memorize the WH questions and think of them as a tool in their communication toolbox. If they are ever in doubt during a conversation, they can enter with a WH question on the topic being discussed.

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Over the last week, I’ve had a few families tell me that their child will not do anything to try to make friends. The expectation that they have for friendship is that everyone will come to them. It reminds me of a king or queen holding “court” where the townspeople present themselves with whatever they have to offer.

The motivation for this opinion is not selfish or from a feeling of being “better” than another. They lack the knowledge and confidence to seek friendship. Finding friends can seem like too much work. When socializing feels like a “grind”, it definitely doesn’t feel like fun. They also might fear rejection which can make not trying seem like the better option.

The problem with that is unless someone is hugely entertaining or if people are drawn to a person because they are so incredibly charismatic, is not likely that they will have loads of friends seeking to spend time with them. It also can be indicative of what type of friend the person will be. If they are not putting in time and effort into the friendship, then why would somebody want to be friends? Friendship is reciprocal. If they truly want friends badly enough, then they will make the commitment to do what takes to meet people at least halfway. Both parties need to be dedicated to maintaining those friendships. That requires scheduling social time together, texting to check in, following up on the important things in their life, listening to things you might not be interested in, and generally engaging in the other persons life.

Be wary of seeming like royalty holding “court” where people come to see us and “present” themselves to us. Join the townspeople, mill among the crowd (virtually) and commit to meeting potential friends halfway and let the friendships begin.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) recently had an outdoor (physically distant but felt so awesomely normal) coffee with a new friend of mine who I met through presenting local professional development workshops.

I believe that friends come (or go) in our lives for a reason. It’s nice to feel a “click” when you meet someone. Even us grown-ups have room in our lives for new friends, new experiences, and new points of view.

I’m writing about her because she gave me a gift that I (kind of desperately) needed due to so many things going on in not only my life but in the lives of those around me and in our greater life together as human beings. That gift was these words: tolerate distress.

I don’t tolerate stress and anxiety as well as I would like to when it becomes too much. I’m really good at being on top of the day-to-day problems that pop up and teaching children how to manage kid-sized anxiety and stress. But when it’s really big, and it goes on without a foreseeable resolution, and I can’t make a plan, and I can’t solve it? Whelp. My personality doesn’t deal with that very well. And there are multiple big things going on all at once.

Tolerate distress. Her words became a mantra for me over these last few weeks. Anytime I feel myself falling into the anxiety pit or spinning my brain around looking or solutions that may or may not be there, I whisper those words. Because if we can tolerate distress, we can build our coping and resilience skills at any age. Human distress takes many forms. I have friends that are undergoing things that force me to put my own stuff in perspective.

As the meme says, life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again.

And amidst the awful, a friend comes along and teaches you to tolerate that awful, because it will eventually be amazing again.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

New social pressures are occurring as people are interacting during this pandemic. We might have differing comfort levels when it comes to physical distancing. In my experience, there appears to be 4 “levels” of approaches to social distancing.

Level 1: This group is not worried about catching Covid19. They don’t wear masks, have people over to socialize, no concerns about maintaining 6’ apart.

Level 2: This group tries to follow guidelines but aren’t consistent. They make many exceptions to the guidelines. They wear masks at stores but will have people in their homes to socialize without masks or 6’ distancing if they feel that those people are deemed safe enough to allow in.

Level 3: This group consistently follows distancing recommendations. They wear masks if 6’ can’t be maintained and will socialize outside while following guidelines. They will ask how others are with the guidelines when asked to social events to determine if they are comfortable attending.

Level 4: This group has not left the house hardly at all. They get groceries delivered and are maintaining relatively strict quarantine.

When levels 1-3 interact (level 4 will decline social events), a new social or peer pressure might occur. If you’re level 3 and show up at a level 1 barbecue, will you be the only one to put on a mask? If it starts to rain and everyone goes inside, do you go too? Do you leave the BBQ? Do you put on a mask if you’re the only one who does?

If you’re level 1, do you judge others for their caution? If you’re level 4, what has to happen that will make you feel safe to leave your home? Do you discuss why you feel the way you do or keep those thoughts to yourself? There might be families that have multiple levels living together. This could cause strife and intense debate.

There are no easy answers for how to handle this new social pressure. Being respectful of the opinions of others is encouraged regardless of how fervently you might disagree. When this is over, and at some unknown point it will be over, we will want those friendships to remain intact, even if those friends have an opposing view. I (Nadine) have been coaching kids to expect that social events might bring surprises regarding distancing and for them to think about the various scenarios prior to attending so that they can decide for themselves how they are comfortable handling the situation.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Parents are faced with extremely challenging choices this fall as kids return to whatever school looks like for them. The same is true for parents who have kids who are returning to other public programs. This has become a very heated topic as we are all making decisions that we feel are best for our families while knowing that there aren’t any really great options to choose from for most people. Parents are feeling some pretty big feelings, which is absolutely understandable.

The question is, how much of this decision-making process should parents share with their kids? Depending on the age, maturity, and anxiety level of a child, some parents might ask their child how they feel about options being presented. Other parents, who know their kids well, might decide to make schooling decisions for their child. It is completely up to them as the ones who love and know their children best.

As coaches who work with kids of all ages, we feel that kids should be entitled to feel their own feelings around a return to formal education. Big adult feelings being shared with kids could make them feel more scared and more anxious than they already are given the uncertain school year. Adults, like all people, need to process and discuss their feelings in order to process all that’s going. We strongly urge parents to do that with other parents or adults.

Everyone needs to feel their feels and manage them in a way that works best for each individual.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Since the advent of the pandemic back in March, we have all been forced into changes of seismic proportions. What we thought would be temporary, is quickly looking to be much more permanent, or at least long-term.

If you have a Minecraft™ player in your life, you know that the game involves two different modes to play, one is survival and the other creative. It feels as though life is being played this way. We are all doing our best to stay healthy, continue working in extraordinary circumstances, and surviving despite the unexpected and phenomenal challenges that have been thrown at us. It’s survival mode.

Some people are using creative mode for workarounds for our current circumstances. Creative solutions such as birthday party car parades, online activities, working and shopping from home, and other ways that human beings continue to demonstrate their creativity, adaptability, and resilience. In some cases, we are rebuilding from the ground up.

We believe in, and have seen, the resilience of kids through this experience.  For example, Amy suffers the loss of her beloved horseback riding lessons, but finds a way to go on a trail ride. Brian, who found the demands of school more of a struggle than joy, is thrilled with online learning from home. Neighbors are developing their own small people pods so that kids can safely play together. Long-distance friendships are forming. Kids in my social groups meet outside of the group in their own server to play, you guessed it, Minecraft™.

We don’t know what the next months will bring and what might creep upon us to test our survival skills. There are no answers, and humans want answers. We’re living between both worlds, surviving what we must, and creating what we want and need to ease ourselves through the unknown.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Most people who experience difficulty creating lasting friendships with others struggle with being able to see or a different point of view. Understanding another person’s perspective is critical to maintaining a close connection. Friends genuinely understand each other’s lives.

When we talk to people about working with others, whether it be children, teens, or adults, we frequently ask them to take another’s perspective. We want others to at least attempt to understand what it is like to “walk in another’s shoes.” If adults are going to interject advice or feedback into the lives of other individuals, they should stop and check their understanding of another’s point of view. At this point in our world, with the upset and challenges we are globally facing, it is critical and non-negotiable that we are all willing and capable of doing what we ask of others. It is not fair or reasonable to do anything else. If an adult does not understand the perspective of a child or teen, I implore you to ask them. Have a respectful and nonjudgmental conversation with them. Forgot what you read about in the news, or what research article you might be able to cite but toss your knowledge of the topic aside and listen with an open mind and open heart.

We live in a world of constant, global challenging trials. Open your mind and let in the opinions and thoughts and perspectives of others that may be different from your own.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I’m sitting here running a Zoom Room activity where the kids are playing Roblox together. We also have scheduled times when they play Minecraft. Over and over, the same issues come up in these multi-player platforms. Inevitably, someone destroys someone else’s creation or takes items that belong to other players.

The fun is disrupted by repeated loud cries of “Stop!” frequently followed by a player becoming upset to tears. And I watch the infringing player ignore the pleas to stop. This is one of the biggest barriers to having friends that I see among kids.

These games that the kids love to play so much are a den of social difficulty. For children who struggle with boundaries, empathy, fair play, taking turns, and putting their own self-amusement over developing and keeping friendships, multi-player platforms are fraught with social negotiations that are difficult for them to do.

Each time this happens, I remind the kids that one of the biggest favors they can do for themselves if they want to make friends is to stop when someone tells them to stop. Once. One and done. I reinforce for them that the natural consequences of ignoring someone’s request to stop will be they quickly find themselves with no one who wants to play with them.

Stopping upon request is a skill for some kids that will take multiple reminders and practice, not a one and done.