By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

My son (Nadine’s), Trent is a college junior and he rented an on-campus apartment with 3 other guys this year. Three of the four roommates moved in two weeks before the last guy because of preseason sports and other commitments. The 4th roommate is from Paraguay and I visit the day before his arrival.

Flags decorated the walls of the main living space with each flag representing one the guys who lives there. There is a Red Sox flag for the baseball fan, police flag for the criminal justice majors, corvette flag for the car enthusiast and a huge blank stretch of wall. The blank space was prime real estate next to the TV in the living room. It begged the question, what’s going in that space? My son explained, “Oh, we all saved that for the Paraguayan flag. Our final roommate is from Paraguay so we saved that space for his flag. We wanted to surprise him so we ordered a Paraguayan flag online. There is more than one kind of Paraguayan flag so we stalked his Facebook page to see if there was a picture of one that he had posted. We finally found one and ordered that one. We plan to hang it on the wall and surprise him with it when he gets here tomorrow. We’re also going to clean up the place.”

These three college students took the time to find the right flag and welcome the last roommate to his new home. They thought of someone else, relinquished the best space, and showed kindness, pure and simple.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

Humans are judgy beings – whether we should or shouldn’t, we do. It takes just 4 seconds to make a first impression on someone you meet, and 4 minutes to create a lasting impression. Only 7% of what people initially think about us is from what we are actually saying. 38% of their perception of us comes from the quality of our voice, grammar, and confidence. The other 55% is based on how we dress, act, and walk. People ask only two things when they meet us. Can I trust this person? Can I respect this person?

The impression that your child gives to peers, teachers, and the world around them is important. You can teach your child to make a good impression on others with these hints:

1. Smile. That is the most important thing you can do. Not in a forced, creepy way, but a genuine smile that goes along with a “hello,” or “hey, what’s up?”
2. Cleanliness. Good hygiene, combed hair, and clothes that are fashionable and fit well. If your child struggles socially, a poor physical appearance can only makes things more difficult.
3. Confidence. Practice with your child how to stand tall, with their shoulders back and not hunched. They should practice speaking in a confident tone of voice that is loud enough to hear, but not too loud. Confidence can be increased by teaching your child how to stand in a superhero pose for two minutes (privately). This is one area where some kids may have to “fake it until they make it” and it’s important to do so. Confident kids are less likely to be picked on or bullied.
4. Engage. Face people when they are talking to you. If eye contact is difficult for your child, tell them to focus on a spot on the person’s forehead. The other person will not be able to tell the difference.
5. Trustworthiness. It’s important that peers know that your child is trustworthy and honest. Cheating at games doesn’t make a good impression. Being sneaky doesn’t make a good impression. It is also crucial that your child learn to understand that reliability and consistency in their reactions and choices is all part of making a continuous good impression on classmates and peers.

Here is a video on helping kids see the difference between a good first impression and a poor one: First Impressions

 

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
As we start a new school year, social groups have also begun and we start off by asking kids what would they like to improve on in this school year. One teen girl admitted that she would like to learn how to tell when she should stop talking. She’s not aware of the nonverbal cues the listener might be giving.
1. Assess the listeners interest in the topic – if someone loves Harry Potter and wants to talk about it in great detail, the first step is to find out how interested the other person is in Harry Potter. The amount of discussion on a a topic should match the level of interest of the other person.
2. Give a summary and then see if more information is needed – people who like to talk a lot tend to give many more details than are necessary for the story. Some of this can be driven by and OCD-like need to include all the parts of a story. Pre-think the key points and tell only those, then stop and see if the other person asks for more details.
3. Watch for signs of boredom – facial expressions, leaning away, becoming fidgety are all signs that someone is getting bored.
4. Remember to listen – the old saying “you have two ears and one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you speak” has merit. If you realize that you have been talking for a while and the other person isn’t, then it’s time to stop and give them space to add to the conversation.
Conversation skills take practice and there will be times when you realize that you’ve been doing a lot of talking. It’s completely fine to say, “oh gosh, I just realized that I am yakking away over here and haven’t asked about you! What do you think?”

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

When I (Donna) was recently teaching a sportsmanship workshop at my center, the old idiom of stealing someone’s thunder came up in the conversation. We’ve all had our thunder stolen. I think it’s a thing that we humans frequently do to each other. Sometimes, on purpose, but many times, not really realizing this is what is happening. Don’t we all have people in our lives that if you tell them something fun or good that you are doing or have done, they have an even better or more interesting story about the same thing? What are the ways we steal each other’s thunder?

• One-upping. This is when you tell somebody something and they either have something or done something bigger or better.
• Hijacking. This is when you start to tell your story or idea and the conversation gets turned around to the other person’s story or idea.
• Put-downs. This is just plain old mean and belittles the other person.

For some people, this is a habit that they’ve gotten into. It’s something that we could all pay more attention to in our conversations and interactions with others. Instead of stealing thunder, we would do better by enhancing each other’s joy of the moment. Your story is for another day and another time. Today it’s someone else’s turn to shine.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea
Walking into a new social setting can be intimidating and even anxiety-provoking. If you don’t know the people who are going to be there and they don’t know you, it takes courage and effort to show who you are and get to know them. It can be particularly difficult if you have had negative interactions with peers in the past. At this time of year, kids are stepping on to school buses with unscuffed sneakers and shiny new lunch boxes ready for a new school year. The way that they look, and I’m not talking about their actual appearance, matters in how they are perceived by potential new friends.
1. If feeling scared, kids might tend to have an uncertain or even sad look on their face. Paying attention to their expression and having them think of puppies or something that makes them feel smiley can help to create a friendlier expression.
2. Walking with their shoulders back and head up conveys a level of confidence that they can fake if they don’t actually feel confident. Others are more likely to be drawn to someone who appears to be self-assured.
3. The tone of voice used when meeting someone new can also leave a positive or negative impression. Others can tell if you’re smiling even if they are talking to you on the phone and can’t see your face. Tone should be upbeat and friendly sounding and not gruff or sad if they can help it.
Children and teens might need to be reminded that the past does not determine their future. If they have had difficulty with friendships in the past that does not mean that they will always have a hard time making friends. Encourage them to practice a friendly expression in the mirror at home, use a light-hearted tone when talking to other and think optimistically that they will find new friends this school year.
If kids and teens present themselves as someone who is open to friendship by having a pleasant demeanor, they just might make some new friends to go with those shiny new shoes.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Each social skills group that we run has its own unique energy and vibe. The feel environment is driven by the people in the room. Too quiet an environment can feel too stifling or leave you feeling like a spotlight is on you should you choose to talk. Groups with nothing but high energy can feel too chaotic for too long. The ideal balance is a healthy level of energy and noise without being overwhelming. It’s where you don’t have to shout to be heard but that sharing doesn’t feel like an echo chamber.

When in a group of people, regardless of your natural energy level, most people read the room and adjust. The more quiet people will feel comfortable enough to contribute while the high energy types keep their volume and body movements toned down as to not overwhelm.

When this balance is out of whack, the group as a whole might feel uncomfortable. Noticing the vibe and then reacting to it is an important social skill. As coaches, we will try to bring the energy up by introducing a hot conversation topic or an active game. If energy is feeling chaotic, we’ll calm it down with a board game or mindfulness exercise.

Practice reading the energy level with your child or teen. Create a rating system that makes sense for you. Number scales or colors make great rating tools. For example, if at a restaurant, the energy feels quiet, it might be a 3 on a 1-10 scale or maybe it feels “blue”. Discuss ways to adjust energy to blend with the room.

Reading it accurately takes practice and adjusting to it likely even more practice but learning to jive with the vibe will help everyone feel comfortable with being together as a group.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

As our bullying workbook launches, I’ve been thinking about the kids that I have met as a social coach that, for whatever reason, lead in their peer interactions with an attitude of meanness. It seems to be a part of their demeanor (and why they are with me working on improving their social skills). These kids shoot nasty remarks from their mouth before they even know the entire scenario they are reacting to. An example: one kid touches something the other kid had been using, and then instead of checking in to see what the other child is doing, they start screaming that someone is “stealing” their stuff. The other kid who was just interested in something that had been left sitting there looks hurt and bewildered.

These kids will say mean things that go way above the need for the situation. You will also hear a lot of, “You’re cheating!” or something along those lines when things don’t go their way. I’ve had kids say things that I won’t repeat here, but suffice it to say; it can be evident why these kids don’t have many friends. They also don’t have a lot of social collateral to begin with, and are frequently a provocative victim. These are kids who may appear to be bullies themselves but don’t have the social know-how that real bullies have and become victims themselves when they push the limits of what other kids can take from them.

I also observe that many of these kids are either fully aware of what they are doing and seem to enjoy being mean and the reaction they receive; yet others are completely unaware of how they come across to other kids. I talk to them about how being “nice” gets “nice” in return and being “mean” gets “mean” in return. We can also describe to kids the actions or behaviors that are problematic by saying things such as, “that sounded mean, did you want to sound that way?” or “that (action) was very unkind, it will be tough to make friends if you keep doing (action).”

Over my 17+ years as a social coach, while I have worked with kids who consistently choose to be mean over nice, I have also seen kids be able to recognize their de” mean” or, turn it around, and develop better peer relationships.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Talking strong is delivered in a moderate volume voice with shoulders back, a stand-up-straight posture with head up and a confident look on the face. A strong voice may be a bit lower in pitch than a joking voice would be, but it is not at the level of shouting. Take a few moments to practice talking strong with your child by mimicking a weak voice, followed by a too-strong, nearly shouting voice and then settle into the voice in the middle that is confident and strong.

Walking strong is essential for kids to understand and practice. When teaching kids this skill, we have the kids walk around the room with us in three different ways. First, we have the kids walk the way someone who gives the appearance of a victim or under-confident person would walk. A victim body posture would be small steps, shoulders caved inward and hunched over with a worried, meek or sad look on the face.

Next, we have kids do the exact opposite and walk with maximum swagger as if they are way too cool for school. We generally get lots of strutting around at this point in the exercise and, of course, a lot of giggling.

Then, we settle everyone into a walk that is in-between victim and swagger. Here we teach the kids to hold their shoulders back, and heads up high, but not too high. Take steps with purpose but no stomping. Hands are relaxed and may be put in pockets or thumbs hooked on pocket edges, belt loops, or lightly crossed in front. The walk may include the tiniest bit of swagger.

By practicing the look and sound of walking and talking strong (and we encourage kids to fake-it-until-you-make-it), your child will become less likely to be the target of a bully and will build his or her inner confidence.

For more on how to prevent bullying and managing conflict, Bully Busting and Managing Meanies: Tips for Kids on Managing Conflict is coming August 19th to Amazon.com.

Click this link for an interesting Ted Talk about the research that explains why this is effective.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

There are many different social skills curriculums out there. There are board games, worksheets, role plays, and thousands of tools to help teach social-emotional skills to kids. These tools are super helpful in getting the information into a child’s knowledge base. Kids who come to our social groups can quote us chapter and verse the correct answer to what they “should” do in any given social scenario or situation.

So why do kids, armed with all this excellent knowledge, still experience social difficulties or even failures? These days, there isn’t a socially struggling child that hasn’t had some formal social skills training or participated in a lunch bunch at school. Even we as parents have talked ad nauseam to our kids about the shoulds and should nots of socializing and friendships.

In solving this disconnection between learning and application, kids need to put their knowledge into action under the guidance of an experienced social coach. If kids could translate their knowledge to the playground or recess on their own, they would have by now. What is more helpful to a child is catching them in the moment of when the actual application of a specific skill is required. It is putting kids into real-time peer situations and helping them connect the social dots of action to consequence (positive and negative). It is pointing out to a child what the coach sees as apparent – as any coach (soccer, etc.) would do to help a child improve their skills.

Kids also need to be encouraged to but the social skill into action through thinking it through themselves. Questions such as, “what should you try?” or “what could you do now?” will go much further to help kids generalize skills than merely telling them what to do.

So yes, your child may “know” a lot about social skills, but not yet be able to apply that knowledge when and where it’s needed. Like any other skillset or something you want to improve on, practice makes better.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Younger kids might not be able to articulate why socializing is hard for them. They might also not even understand when or why they are anxious. To gain insight directly from those who struggle socially, I asked some of my teens and young adults. Here are the reasons they gave:

1. Control – they report wanting to maintain control and know they aren’t able to control social situations. Control helps them to know what to expect and they tend to not be particularly skilled at “going with the flow”.

2. Judgment – they are concerned that others will judge them. They think that the might be ridiculed either behind their back or directly to their face. Whether this has been a real pattern for them or only perceived, it worries them. They have had so many experiences where they have felt different that they expect to be judged or viewed negatively.

3. Processing Time – Some people require longer processing time than others. During fast talking conversations, it can be hard to keep up. Just when they come up with the perfect retort, they realize that the moment has passed.

4. Lack of Conversation Skills – They often times don’t know how to keep a conversation going. They run out of things to say and then feel the discomfort of awkward silences which causes anxiety.

To improve in these 4 areas, those who struggle with socializing need coaching and practice in a safe and understanding setting. There are no easy answers and quick fixes and it takes commitment and effort on the part of the individual to practice these skills and reduce their social anxiety. Some benefit from therapy and medical interventions in addition in-the-moment coaching but most will gain the skills needed to make socializing less worrisome.