“Would You Like to Hang Out Sometime?” – 6 Steps for Success

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to ask someone that question. Before taking this bold step toward friendship, here are steps to laying the groundwork to enhance your chances for a positive outcome.

1. Consider if you’ve spent time with this person in a place where you’ve had a chance to socialize. It might not be enough just to sit next to that person in class you want to be sure you’ve had social moments together.
2. Consider if those social moments together have been positive, awkward or if you’re unsure about how they’ve gone. If they’ve been awkward or your unsure, you might need more time to develop the groundwork before asking them if they want to hang out.
3. Consider what you would do together if they said yes. You’ll want to make sure you have common interests to make hanging out together less awkward and more enjoyable.
4. If you take this brave step in the person says yes, awesome! If you take this brave step and the person says no or has another reason as to why they can’t, regroup and continue to lay the groundwork. It can be hard to tell if someone is legitimately busy or if they are not ready to hang out just yet. One surefire way to tell that they are legitimately busy is if they suggest an alternative date to hang out.
5. If someone says that they are too busy to hang out, don’t automatically assume that they dislike you. Often times people who have anxiety will jump to conclusions when, in fact, the person might just be busy.
6. If they do say yes, still proceed with caution. By that we mean don’t refer to them as your best friend or start to hang out with them every second of the day or become too clingy. Even though they’ve said yes, they still might need some space and some time to get to know you.

Friendship takes quite a bit of effort. It takes effort to lay the groundwork in order to be able to ask someone to hang out and, once they do agree to hang out with you, still go slow with that person so if you can develop a true lasting friendship.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

He just has to learn:

• to be responsible;
• to listen;
• to turn in his work;
• to sit still;
• to pay attention; and
• to focus.

There isn’t a parent of a child who struggles with the symptoms of ADHD that has not heard the words “he just has to learn to (fill in the blank).

You know what? There isn’t a child out there that doesn’t want to please or want to be able to do the things we ask of them. Nothing upsets me more than hearing about a child being punished for his or her disability or symptoms. Because you know what else? Impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattention are symptoms of ADHD. They are not chosen behaviors. (Yes, ADHD children are also perfectly capable of purposeful misbehavior, but it is quite easy to tell the difference.)

Disciplining a child for the executive function challenges inherent with ADHD is the same as disciplining a child who has diabetes for not controlling his or her blood sugar.

The more that a child begins to feel that he or she cannot meet our unrealistic expectations of an ADHD student, the more that child’s self-esteem will suffer and he or she will either act up or give up.

Let’s stop punishing children for their neurological challenges and symptoms. These kids learn much better when we approach them from “how to” instead of “don’t do.”

They don’t have to learn. We do.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Teens today have grown up with electronic messaging in various forms. The thought of picking up a phone and calling someone is a mortifying thought for them. In-person conversations can leave them at a loss for what to say or awkwardly stumbling over their words. They can become so anxious that their minds are concentrating on what to say next rather than listening to the other person.

A common conversation complaint that we hear is that teens will try to talk in a peer group but no one listens. Here are some tips to be heard.

1. Make sure that your body is near the group. I have seen many teenagers try to talk to a group but they are a few feet away from the group. They need to be facing the person or people they’re trying to talk to.
2. Make sure you show interest in the conversation even when you’re not talking. By nodding and leaning in and smiling if appropriate. Saying things like “seriously?” “No way” or “wow” are ways to show you’re listening in a group of teens. Your tone of voice needs to sound “light” and incredulous and not serious.
3. Stay on topic. Others are more likely to listen if you are contributing to the topic they are speaking about rather than trying to change it to a new topic.
4. Try to gain their attention before you start talking with some attention-getting types of openers such as, “hey guys check this out… “, “Hey listen to this… “, “OMG you’re not gonna believe this… “, “hey did you hear…”.
5. Never ever try to gain attention by saying something shocking. The group is not likely to believe you if you say something outrageous and you’re likely to make them uncomfortable.
6. Don’t lie or make up stuff to be cool. Just be you.
7. If someone says something funny and everyone laughs, you can laugh too. Do not try to add onto the joke to make the laugh last longer. If they’re laughing at someone in a mean spirited way, don’t contribute.
8. Filter your thoughts. Some people speak every thought that pops into their heads. Trust us, no one wants to hear everything that you think. Pre-think what you’re about to say based on the people you’re with then decide if you should say it. You can even have practice conversations with a mirror or stuffed animal. Practicing Mindfulness can help with the impulse to tell all.
9. Raunchy talk should be spoken only with really close friends of the same gender.
10. Resist over sharing. A group of teens does not need to know very personal information about yourself or gossip about other peers or family.

If you are continuously not being listened to in a peer group or if they constantly talk over you, then they might not be your people. You might need to find a new group who are more accepting of you.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

All kids, at some time or another, tattle. Some kids are consistent, reliable informants. The problem with tattling is that it doesn’t win you many friends. The reasons that kids tattle may include:

• Anxiety around the fact that someone may not be following the rules;
• Purposefully trying to get another child in trouble; and,
• Lacking conflict-resolution or problem-solving skills.

How you handle episodes of tattling depends on the reason that the child is reporting minor incidences.

If a child tattles due to anxiety about what other people should or should not be doing, a strategy is to remind that child that the problem doesn’t belong to them, and if they are following the rules or directions and doing what they are supposed to be doing, they can ignore other people’s choices. There are some anxious children, that no matter how much you re-direct the tattling, it is a NEED of theirs to report. In this instance, try using the strategy of saying, “thanks for the information, I’ll take it from here.” This should provide closure for the child and then you as the adult can decide whether or not there is something to further explore or address.

For children that are deliberately trying to get another child in trouble and reporting something to you, that may or may not be true and is minor, we suggest calling it out. You could say something such as, “That is tattling and it is unkind. I’m sure that you would not like __________ to tattle on you.” A real-life instance of social coaching a tattling incident occurred a few years ago at my Center. I was working with a small group of kids when a little girl, we’ll call her Sally, ran over to me and said, “Miss Donna! Tommy is writing naughty words on the whiteboard.” Of course, Tommy is right behind Sally, with a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face, knowing he was going to get it. I looked at Sally and said, “That’s tattling. Is anyone getting hurt or anything dangerous happening?” She said, “no.” I then replied, “then I didn’t really need to be informed.” The look of relief on Tommy’s face was precious, and Sally just looked at me in a confused way and went back to playing with the other kids. However, I then had to say to Tommy, “Now I know what is going on in there. And I know you know the rule and that it isn’t okay to do that. What should happen now?” Tommy replied, “I’m sorry Miss Donna. I’ll go erase it and I won’t do it again.” Tattler down. Situation handled.

There are also situations where children tattle because they have not yet built the skills to solve a problem on their own. We teach these children the three steps to solving a problem:

TALK: Use a stick-up-for-yourself sentence. For example, “Billy, stop calling me names.”

WALK: If that doesn’t resolve it, it’s time to go find something else to do or someone else to play with.

ASK: And if Billy continues to follow and call names, it’s time to ask for help. If you are teaching children the TALK-WALK-ASK™ method, you should ask if they have done the first two steps when they come to you to report. If they have, you as the adult can step in to model conflict resolution and problem-solving strategies.

We teach kids that there are major differences between tattling and telling. Anything purposefully dangerous, hurtful or destructive should be immediately reported to an adult. Below is a printable (click on it to open larger size) that you can use to help children understand the difference. With time, patience and practice, you can help children learn to resolve their own minor issues and decrease the need for tattling.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Most of the children and teens that we work with have anxiety. Many crave a high degree of control over all things, play, conversation, peers, adults, school work, recess games, homework, video game play and on and on. Since they are unable to control these areas of their lives, they are even more stressed and frustrated. They tend to be rigid in their thinking so being open to new ideas can be hard and suggestions are sometimes met with resistance. They are stressed and frustrated and often times not very happy. So what is the one tip that can make them feel happier today?

Do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return.

It sounds super simple and easy, right? It can be except if someone has a hard time considering another’s point of view. It can take some time to explain our tip to them and it can be even harder to actually do it. Hard as it can be, once they are able to do something nice for someone, they will feel happier for having done so. The “something” can be seemingly really small like start homework before being told or shut off the video game without a reminder. Bigger things could be like washing someone’s car or cleaning the house. Gestures that are unselfish and purely to make the other person’s day better in some way are a great way to get a quick boost of happiness. Imagine if people everywhere adopted this tip on a routine basis? Happiness would begin to spread everywhere. Now wouldn’t that make us all a little happier?

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

I (Donna) know a tween who just received her first cell phone. In actuality, it’s more of the fact that now she just doesn’t have to be near WiFi to do the things she typically has done on a cellular device that wasn’t connected to a service. It also adds text messaging and phone calls (do kids even make phone calls anymore?) so that her parents can maintain communication as she spreads her wings into after-school activities.

As expected, the first thing she did was add all of her friends (and family) to her contacts so that she could text them. Since I am one of those family members, I get a kick out of being able to text her, too. We would connect via SnapChat before, but texting is a little easier. As with any kid just getting their first technological wings, she’s been a little bit of a text maniac.

The instant communication that texting brings also creates the urge to reply immediately. I think that is something that most of us, or maybe even all of us who have texting capabilities, may experience. I personally have decided to try to treat text messages more like emails. It takes a little of the pressure off. I don’t know about anyone else, but I become very easily derailed when a text message comes through. I also think that I allow my device, in general, to impact my productivity in ways that it should not.

The impetus for that thinking came from overhearing a conversation between the dad and this tween. Her dad was discussing with and reinforcing for her that a text message is not an emergency and she can train her brain to not respond as if it were. A true emergency would elicit a phone call from the person trying to reach you.

She’s a tween with technology and this is how kids communicate and socialize these days. For that matter, so do we as adults. I think for the typical technology user, something will trigger in your brain to let you know that you’ve had enough. I think for kids and teens who struggle with the social side of life, may also struggle with the balance that technology requires of us to stay socially healthy. One of my assistants was telling me that he can see on his phone how much time he’s spent each day on different apps and it was an eye-opener for him to see how much time he had actually wasted that he could have been doing something else.

Nadine and I are consistently talking to kids about being a “good consumer” of the technological marvels that are available to us. Stats tell us that the average teenager sends and receives over 3000 texts a month. That is a LOT of “emergencies” that their brains are responding to. This tween’s dad told her a good rule for non-emergency texts would be to reply within 4-5 hours. My brain tends to agree.

By Nadine Briggs and Donna Shea

Social groups are back in full swing with kids, teens, and adults of all ages coming to learn how to connect and become more confident in socializing.

Pretty much everyone is feeling anxious. The group participants are coming to a center where they might not know anyone. Parents are sending their children to a place that they hope is going to be the key to what’s been missing for their child to make friends. They worry about who else will be in the group. Will it be the right fit? Parents wonder, will the coach see my child’s struggle and be able to help? If connections aren’t made that first day or if the social challenge doesn’t reveal itself immediately, the worry grows.

We understand. When your child is not connecting socially with others, it’s concerning. We have experienced how it feels to know that your child might be getting teased or have no one to sit with at lunch. We understand your worry about the teen who is isolated and only wants to play video games.

Our advice is to let the “settling in” settle. Trust the process and the professionals who are coaching your child. We’ve got this. If over time, we have a concern that our program isn’t a good fit, we will absolutely let you know. Chances are, once the dust settles, we’ll see why they’re with us. We’ll see connections start to form and we’ll be right there to assist and guide to see that those budding friendships bloom.

It won’t always be smooth. Your child might get bonked, he or she might feel awkward at times, or feel like they don’t fit in. It takes time and effort to coach these skills but the process works, once the “settling in” settles.

By Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

NOTE: This is a post that I (Donna) put up in a hiking group that I belong to on Facebook. Anxiety impacts people of all ages, children included. When I ask children to do the hard cognitive behavioral work of managing anxiety, I come to them from a place of having to do it myself. This is a story of pushing through what scares you.

I quit hiking the White Mountains in New Hampshire three times. My significant other, Mike, and I started hiking in 2010. Not knowing much as beginners, we attempted Mount Washington up Tuckerman’s Ravine. I sobbed with panic, made it to the top and took the shuttle back down, and I swore I would never go up again. We continued with what I called our “nice hikes” until 2013 when I tried the 4K’s again. Three trips once again took me down with panic. Ledges, heights, and steepness took their toll.

Mike had the bug to do the 48 badly, (there is a list of 48 peaks to climb that are 4000 feet or higher), so in 2015, I tried again. We made another three trips, and I had to tell him that I couldn’t do it. Mike went on to finish the 48 in 2015, and even went back and repeated the ones we had already done so that he could have them all in one hiking season. I became his support person and would drop him off and pick him up for traverses. I would frequently hike in with him in the morning and then turn around and then hike in again at the end of the day to meet him. I liked the exercise; I couldn’t cope with the fear once I got too far in and it started getting technically tough. I considered myself a trail bottom feeder. Other hikers would ask what number Mike and I were on, and I always had to answer that I wasn’t completing the list of hikes, Mike was. I always felt a little “less than” in those conversations.

In 2016, he somehow tricked me up Zealand Mountain (we’ll just go to the lookout, he said.) We tried again with the Kinsmans. I made it, but I quit yet again. It isn’t fun to have public panic attacks. We went back to nice hikes. Unfortunately, even those started to become panic situations, and I started to feel sick on even the easier trails, thinking that I was going to have a heart attack or collapse out in the woods. I’ve always “run on anxiety,” but it was beginning to impact not only hiking but the quality of life in general. I knew what it was, but it was getting beyond coping with it on my own.

At the risk of over-sharing, because maybe this will help someone, somewhere, I talked to my doctor about it. As I am 53 years old, we decided that the increase in panic attacks and anxiety was tied into change-of-life stuff. I tried six more months to manage it on my own and then I had enough. I agreed to try a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. In a week or two, I was feeling much better.

I don’t remember how we decided to try one more time, but I did. In July of 2017, we went up Mount Hale. Then Cannon (up and down Kinsmann Ridge Trail, which is not easy!). I discovered that a happy side effect of the medication was that my fear of hiking was no longer there. Instead of my brain telling me that I was going to fall and die out there (the amygdala), I was able to access the parts of my brain that just simply looked for where I needed to put my foot next (the frontal cortex). We talk to kids about how anxiety impacts these parts of the brain. I went on to finish ten peaks in 2017, bringing my total to 20.

The success of 2017 spurred me on, and this year, we made a big push to the finish. We climbed 28 peaks between the end of May and this past weekend. One particularly tough mountain I had saved until the end caused some panic, as I expected it would, but I was able to stand there, shake it off and tell myself that I couldn’t quit (as much as I desperately wanted to).

So even though I felt silly, this is why I danced on #48. And while I appreciate the passion that most hikers have for climbing those 4000 footers, I am ready to go back to my nice hikes, but this time, knowing that I’m a member of the 4000 footer club, earned my certificate, looked fear in the face and conquered it.

Guest Blog Post
By Trent Briggs

This blog was inspired by a collegiate assignment that examined the “good life”.

Immediately interested, Joe and I take a look. That night we drove to the market, bought cookie dough, and made cookie spoons, or, tried to. What we created before we put them in the oven, couldn’t be more perfect, and this plan was completely foolproof, right? Well, not-so-much after seeing what they looked like after the oven. These cookie spoons were the biggest waste of time ever, or were they?

Was making cookie spoons a waste of my time, or was it a valid part of my conversation of a good life? In one of my freshman classes, we studied various views on leisure and what that means in our lives. One view was that leisure and work go hand in hand, and complement each other. Discipline describes the balance between doing the things you want to do and doing the things you need to do. If one has a good balance of those two things, they have discipline. If the goal of this discipline is happiness, then the goal of balance is happiness. One must balance their work and their leisure to achieve happiness.

In the example of my cookie spoons, I had just finished an essay which completed my work. Then I started making those failures of cookie spoons which was my leisure. Some feel that leisure should be aimed at self improvent and that free time is time doing neither work nor leisure. I believe that free time must be turned into work or leisure, for one can never do “nothing.” It is this balance of work and leisure that leads to happiness, and inherently, the good life.

So, how does one go about living the good life? Well, I would recommend making some cookie spoons to start, but other than that be disciplined and not allow leisure to overtake work. Do not allow work to overtake leisure either. A life with all work and no play is not a good life. Having a balance of these things allows for happiness and the good life.

Hysterical cookie spoon fails count too.

Trent Briggs, is a sophomore at Saint Anselm College.

What is it? Mr. Aaron’s guide to things kids love and we parents might struggle to understand.

Guest blogger Aaron Shea is a parent of a tween, a kid at heart, was born during how things were and has adapted to how things are.

FORTNITE – What is it?

You’ve probably heard of it. If your kids aren’t playing it themselves, they probably want too, as it is likely they know someone who is. Here is a guide for those parents who may be late to the craze, and either can’t decide if it’s right for their child or want to know more about the game that has already seeped its way into the house.

Fortnite is the latest video game obsession to gain recognition at the level of Angry Birds. Since its release almost a year and a half ago, it has become a staple among many of the smartphone generation. Now available on all platforms, it is easily the most genius moneymaking game on the market, and it’s free. (That is, free to download and play online Battle Royale without membership.) More on “free” shortly. Let’s begin with the basic question.

What is Fortnite? What do you do? Is it okay for younger kids?
Fortnite is a massive online multiplayer shooter game. I know, “online shooter” can seem like a scary thing and an automatic N-O from a lot of parents, but this one is friendly enough. Remember that ratings are suggestions, it’s up to you to decide what you want your kids playing (and for how long each day or week). Fortnite has been given a teen rating for the obvious gunplay involved. However, it is gunplay in its mildest form. There is no blood and gore, crude jokes, or realistic graphics. I, as a dad to a tween, give it a family-friendly stamp of approval, but other parents might not. The always looming uncertainty of voice chat is about the only thing anyone should find “iffy” about this game. It requires the same amount of caution you would require of your child on any of the online gaming forums. A great resource to find out more about specific games to help you make decisions about whether or not you will allow your child to play them is Common Sense Media. Here is the link for Fortnite:  https://www.commonsensemedia.org/game-reviews/fortnite/user-reviews/adult

Battle Royale (the free mode) is the mode most kids want to play, and it consists of teams of 1-4 people who can chat and work together to attempt and survive the longest out of up to 100 people playing together. Each round lasts up to about 15 minutes, and is 100% fair in every way, in fact, it is a bit reminiscent of the Hunger Games. Every round begins on an island where everyone can goof off until the bus (plane) takes off, and then it begins. Once the doors open, players have around 30 seconds to choose a destination towards which to skydive. Each player begins unarmed, and upon landing must quickly move to find weapons.

Once equipped, the game is about survival coming from two threats, your opponents, and the storm. The storm is what keeps the game moving by forcing players to certain areas of the map to stay alive. By shrinking the map like this, it ensures players WILL find one another. When this happens, it comes down to strategy, both defensive and offensive. Players use whatever resources they gather along the way to build forts and walls to protect themselves, all while attempting to eliminate one another.

Let me speak from experience when I say that winning a round is a longshot. I, like many players, have never been the last man standing, and take satisfaction whenever I make the top 10. A good parental view is that losing this game is a given and learning to lose is always a great real-life lesson. If your child has any anger issues brought on by competitive games, then this may not be the game for them.

What isn’t free to play? What would kids need to purchase?
The developers were genius to make this game free while being so fun and enthralling. By doing so, they create a huge fan base, which means multitudes of players, and everyone wants to stand out. Players do so by unlocking costumes as they level up. However, many players want costumes that not everyone can unlock in the free version. And this is where the money comes in.

Players can spend money on “V-Bucks” which is used to unlock unique costumes that aren’t available to everyone. I’ll admit, there are some cool ones, but in my opinion, it’s this kind of virtual spending that is impacting the understanding of the value of money for this young generation. I have not and will not ever spend REAL money on virtual avatars as many people do in this game, and I am a diehard gamer.

There is, however, a one-time payment available to unlock “Save the World” mode, which is considered the actual story-based game in Fortnite. I am a huge fan of this mode, and I prefer it over multiplayer. If your child plays, I suggest purchasing this mode. Not only is it an actual game, but you can earn “V-Bucks” while playing it, which you can then spend on costumes in multiplayer version. There is no real money wasted, and they must earn it!

Fortnite is a game based on an RPG cartoon zombie survival plot. Players complete missions, search for supplies and treasure and progress through the story. In my opinion, it’s worth the money as far as video games go.

That is all there is to it! I hope these questions and answers were helpful. Look out for future guest blogs from Mr. Aaron.